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+--- Thread: Misguided (/showthread.php?tid=9537)
Misguided - Jonathan Meer - 11-05-2006
Alright, if you guys haven't noticed, me and Twenty are having a Fight. Because this is rather deep and complex (considering that Gero and Krillin have been allies for ages), it would be great if we could get some critique.
For those who don't know Twenty's background, I highly recommend digging up his old topics, such as Diary of a Machine, and giving them a read-through.
So, without further ado:
Misguided
Misguided - Sullivan - 11-06-2006
'K, so, I read it. I totally did NOT see that coming, actually...when you said you thought you guys might've made it too obvious, you must've been delusional.
=O
So, nice post. And I like the concept you used for Gero being inside Twenty...and all your mental stuff played into it really well.
Keep up the good stuff, and I'll keep reading.
Misguided - Ruhiel - 11-10-2006
Sweet. I just now noticed we had our own topic. Thanks for pointing this out, Krillin.
Yeah, the battle's about to start. My last post wasn't the greatest, it just set the scene. I'd really like to hear what other people think about our fight as it progresses, because I hope and think it's going to be awesome. I'm pumped about it, and I haven't been pumped about writing anything except in two other cases: 1) DA 2005, and 2) Gero's Ultranova on Kooriza.
Misguided - Jonathan Meer - 12-19-2006
Still rolling. Been busy, but got another short post up. Thoughts all?
Misguided - Yamu - 12-20-2006
To begin with I have to congratulate both of you for the plot and the clarity. You two are working up quite an interesting story that you manage to keep clear and consise. There were only a couple points where I needed to re-read to make sure I knew what was going on with the confusing switch of names and color choices for telepathic speech. Overall an undertaking of that magnitude would trip writers up but you two pull it off fluidly.
Krillin:
You know your posts are technically flawless. You?ve been here long enough to not make dumb errors and every post looks like a refined draft, like you?ve gone over it to fix any errors.
You keep thing?s light hearted and it really sets you apart form the melodrama that most Chubbsians lean towards. However sometimes it seems like you REACH for the joke because you feel it is expected of you. You?re a funny guy let it come naturally in your writing. The beginning of your second and third posts it felt as though you wouldn?t begin writing unless you had humor to lead off on. Have confidence in your dramatic in action writing as they are superb as well. You humor played off excellently in the body of your work at felt much more natural in the context.
A personal matter is that I like big endings. I tend to view posts as chapters or episodes in a bigger picture. Your first, second, and third posts tend to end suddenly to me as if stopped for time or material constraints. I liked the ending to fourth better, it gives a better sense of closure and advancement of the story. I understand the immediate problem facing Krillin in the context of the greater battle. While you might have thought your last post was short, to me it felt more concise and thought out then some of the others that merely coasted with the story.
All that said and done, you are a talented writer and I only say negatives because that?s the only way to get better and you would not have asked for C&C had you not wanted self-improvement.
Android 20:
As I believe I said when I last gave you C&C, you are one of my favorite writers on the site if not my favorite. You have a narrative style that works so expertly in conveying action, plot, and emotion. No grammatical problems or anything I found. I greatly enjoy the humor you toss in to flavor a work, and you differentiate between the two halves of your character in a noticeable manner.
I really could not say to work on anything. I wish I could because criticisms are more helpful the compliments but nothing comes to mind. I think you are a truly gifted auteur and you should continue doing what you doing.
Misguided - Jonathan Meer - 01-27-2007
The fight is coming to an inevitable conclusion. I've a few questions for anyone that is still keeping up with it.
One: What are your thoughts on my adaptation of Kai-o-ken to Krillin (which is, essentially, turning him into a perfectly logical being).
Two: What do I need to work in regards to these, some of my more serious posts?
Three: In comparison to my more light-hearted writing, which would you say is better? My serious writing, or my light-hearted writing? Why?
Misguided - Ruhiel - 02-24-2007
*necro*
Uh... yeah, I'm having trouble writing out these final posts the way I want them to. This is basically going to be my current character's closure, so I want it to be the best I can possibly write.
Problem is, I'm both unmotivated and unsure of what to do. If people could tell me what posts they've like and haven't liked that I wrote in the thread, I'd really appreciate it. I tried out about 3 different styles throughout this whole ordeal, so I'm trying to see which is truly my best.
Misguided - Ruhiel - 02-27-2007
*sigh*
Zeni reward will be given to the first person who gives me some C&C. Amount varies on how "in depth" you go.
Misguided - Szar - 02-28-2007
What?! DO I SENSE AN ANDROID IN NEED?! I WILL HAPPILY STEP IN AND SAVE THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
((Money holds no value to me!!!!!))
Hmmm...it's hard for me to decide really...
God, if I weren't lazy as a bitch I'd whip out the super CnC.
I'll make it easy on myself.
First Post: Didn't like. Twenty talked in too crude of a manner for my tastes.
Second Post: I didn't like this one either, though it's hard for me to place why.
Third Post: I liked this one. Much better than the others.
Fourth Post: I liked this one even more than the third.
Fifth: My favorite post of them all.
Six: All good things must come to an end, I didn't like this one.
Last Post: Meh. I'm undecided on this one.
I guarantee that did not help at all. But I did something.
=(
Misguided - Ruhiel - 03-01-2007
No, that REALLY helped. You picked the style I preferred myself, although it's more difficult. I really appreciate this man, you have no idea how helpful that was. I was afraid that my "cinematic" style wasn't working out, and I'd have to go back to "flow of consciousness." Yes, I named my styles, what of it? =P
But yeah, now that I know what I'm doing best with (considering the ones you liked best were those of "cinematic" in them), I can start writing again.
Name your price. I'll give you 1000 zeni just like that if you're too lazy to name a price. =P
Misguided - Jonathan Meer - 08-01-2007
The fight's finally over.
After nine months of writing, planning, and discussion, the fight's over. Me and Twenty went inactive, active, then inactive again throughout this fight. And it's over.
We've both developed as writers in the time. One and a half sagas has passed in the time.
This is essentially my most concentrated writing effort on Chubbs so far. If anyone would mind giving C&C, I would greatly appreciate it. My writing style changes as the topic goes on, and it's greatly abridged (considering my writing style is itself 'abridged' in relation to other's styles), and I would love to hear thoughts.
I'm sure the same goes for Twenty (who hopefully we'll see that this topic is up-and-running).
This is largely unexplored territory, after all. I'm not entirely certain many (if any) Mind Spars have actually been attempted, and I know for a fact this is the very first Mind Fight (for those not in the know, Mind Spars and Mind Fights are entirely Telepathic).
So, what are your thoughts, both of our writing styles, and of the actual fight itself? I greatly appreciate any and all replies.
Misguided - Ruhiel - 08-23-2007
Managed to find this place again, but I have to say, very nice ending to it all, Krillin. Sorry I just sort of disappeared entirely right after that one post. I have to say I prefer this particular style of your writing best ("abridged" or at least moreso than usual). Making the ending shorter really enforced the finality of what was going on, and made the ending more realistic/natural than if it had been drawn out and become too dramatic/cliche.
But yeah, I also mirror Krillin's sentiments here. Despite my recent complete lack of activity or even being here altogether, I put a lot of thought into those bits of writing, as I felt I was closing off my character. Granted, yes after rereading it a few times, I see areas I should have exploited, and stupid grammatical/spelling mistakes as well, but I feel that this was some of my best writing here on Chubbs. Any comments, suggestions, and especially criticism, would be greatly appreciated.