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+---- Thread: Uh, a little help please. (/showthread.php?tid=9829)
Uh, a little help please. - OldNoriAccount - 12-05-2006
I had to write a poem about life in the Nazi Concentration camps of germany, and I would like some critisism on it. Before I turn it in. Its worth a lot of points.. so.. yeah.
Ashes in your Mouth
People have round shoulders from fairing heavy loads.
The soldiers liberating them
Execution the price to pay
Sorrow paid for valor is too much to recall.
Of the countless corpses piled up by the barracks wall.
Like a meadow the fallen comrades lay
The guns voices rising, voicing our slaughter
The dead man screams, his body ablaze
Smoke rises as the bodies burn away
The children?s eyes glinting in the embers
Staring at you in perpetual sorrow
The smoke fills yours lungs; suffocating
Tears well in your eyes
Your life becomes contorted
Ashes in your mouth
People have round shoulders from fairing heavy loads.
The soldiers liberating them
Execution the price to pay
Sorrow paid for valor is too much to recall.
Of the countless corpses piled up by the barracks wall.
Like a meadow the fallen comrades lay
The guns voices rising, voicing our slaughter
The dead man screams, his body ablaze
Smoke rises as the bodies burn away
The children?s eyes glinting in the embers
Staring at you in perpetual sorrow
The smoke fills yours lungs; suffocating
Tears well in your eyes
Your life becomes contorted
Ashes in your mouth
Uh, a little help please. - Hellfighter 17 - 12-05-2006
You switch betwene third-person to firs-person, with the lines "The soldiers liberating them" and "The guns['] voices rising, voicing our slaughter." Also, the third line makes no sense.
In stanza three, first line, I think you should revise. First of all, it is second-person, "yours" is "your," and "suffocating you" or "suffocation" would work much better.
Yay for moved to the workshop.
Uh, a little help please. - OldNoriAccount - 12-05-2006
Well what do you suggest for the third line? Its supposed to reperesent the fact that the german soldiers liberate them with their execution.
Uh, a little help please. - Hellfighter 17 - 12-05-2006
Well, first of all, normally in the act of liberating, one isn't paying anything. Also, starting it with "With" would work better. I suggest this: "With execution the means to free."
Uh, a little help please. - OldNoriAccount - 12-05-2006
Ashes in your Mouth
People have round shoulders from fairing heavy loads.
The soldiers liberating them
With execution the means to free
Sorrow paid for valor is too much to recall
Of the countless corpses piled up by the barracks wall
Like a meadow the fallen comrades lay
The guns voices rising, voicing our slaughter
The dead man screams, his body ablaze
Smoke rises as the bodies burn away
The children?s eyes glinting in the embers
Staring at you in perpetual sorrow
The smoke fills your lungs; suffocation
Tears well in your eyes
Your life becomes contorted
Ashes in your mouth
People have round shoulders from fairing heavy loads.
The soldiers liberating them
With execution the means to free
Sorrow paid for valor is too much to recall
Of the countless corpses piled up by the barracks wall
Like a meadow the fallen comrades lay
The guns voices rising, voicing our slaughter
The dead man screams, his body ablaze
Smoke rises as the bodies burn away
The children?s eyes glinting in the embers
Staring at you in perpetual sorrow
The smoke fills your lungs; suffocation
Tears well in your eyes
Your life becomes contorted
Ashes in your mouth
I think this is the form with your suggestions. Any other suggestions?