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+--- Thread: The Death of Celipa (/showthread.php?tid=9856)
The Death of Celipa - Sullivan - 12-10-2006
http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/thread.php?threadid=23530
Please, I'd love some C&C on this.
EDIT: Yup, I'm dead. Still, I'd love some C&C. ^_^
The Death of Celipa - James - 12-24-2006
Quote:50 guards stood in front of a tower. 50 idle guards, who thought they'd be seeing no action anytime soon.
For some reason numbers just interrupt you while trying to read, go for the lettered approuch when typing out your digits. Keeps things flowing.
Quote:She was in normal saiyan armor, only with red trim. Armor really didn't match her cute face at all.
Under her armor she had a massive wound.
Avoiding the use of repetative words helps alot in the desciption development department. Could replace 'armor' with 'defensive attire' or something or the sort, using a thesarus also helps because after a while of using those words they can be added to your personal vocabulary.
Quote:One man's leg came off, followed up with his head.
Really crave for reality, give brutal descriptions, really make your reader cringe at what you're explaining.
"The blood ravished sword darted downward in a fury of retaliation, catching side of a guard's thigh and driving the sharpened edge through to the other side in a hail storm of crimson flesh. As so to receive the same desired effect, the prey then found himself on hell side of the demon driven metal cleanly slicing through his throat which toppled off helplessly."
You definitely get the idea across of what Celipa is going through though, that I can assure. Nicely written.
The Death of Celipa - Sullivan - 12-24-2006
^_^
Thanks Goten. Thanks mucho.