Narrative Essay: Need grammar, sentence structure help, etc. Short read.

[Cain]

A sallow-skinned, sad faced boy, no one saw Martyr as a man. Instead they saw a boy who often overstepped his boundaries. Maybe some saw the anger that seethed beneath the sallow-skinned, sad-eyed, and smiling surface. Few noticed the chinks in his veil of self-confidence. Fewer still had seen the tears. They were tears of a boy made a man by a father that was never there.

James laughed. It was the tragic, forced sound of a laugh you'd hear from an amputee told a bad joke to lighten his mood.

"Thanks for the cookie," James said, politely munching the treat. "So you've called the cops?" The boy shifted uncomfortably beneath the blanket Mrs. Brass had laid over him, which now covered his legs alone while he sat up.

"I had to. It's not every day someone breaks in, takes their shoes off at the door, and goes to sleep on my couch." Brass said. James laughed that "Kill me now," sound. "I guess not," he said. "Sorry about that."

"Nothing to be distressed over child," she said, and took his plate bearing oatmeal raisin crumbs back to the kitchen.

He thought about running. Wondered how far he'd get before the cops picked him up. He wondered if Jack had met a similar fate. They were building a deer blind when the Zanax and Adderall had kicked in. If I ever get a stupid idea like that again just strike me dead, lord, he thought, and sat.

***

"James! James where are you!?" Jack fought his way through brambles and branches, wreckless and unaware of the many scratches that painted his skin pink. He remembered moving uphill, tripping, falling backwards; trying to sit up. Then the dreamless sleep. The dead sleep. And someone shaking him awake.

"We're going to the hospital," his mother had said. He was somehow sitting in the family car. He remembered fighting her off, staggering inside, and falling asleep. When he came to he was on the couch and the living room was full of police.

They asked him questions, both commanding and friendly like, "Where's your friend," and, "What did you take?"

"Zanax," he remembered answering. It was the only question he knew the answer to. Then more sleep. For more than a day.

Jack called Martyr the next day, who had somehow eluded jail. "I wish I hadn't woken up," Martyr said on one side of the line. "Wish I hadn't either," Jack replied from the other.

They were both boys then, too young to know what they were doing to their bodies and brains; too young to know what they were saying. Jack and James are grown up now. Smarter; clean. Maybe even wiser. They were just kids then, experimenting with madness, and just lucky enough to make it back alive.


Edit: Chubbs Jack unrelated.

[Orion]

Pretty good. First up, watch adjective repetition, or any word repetition. Like in your first paragraph, you used 'sallow-skinned' in the first two sentences. Changing it up makes your writing more interesting to read.

In the second paragraph "James laughed. ..." the "you'd" sticks out to me like a sore thumb. When talking in third person, it's best not to refer to the person reading. Here's a rephrased sentence:

It was the tragic, forced sound of a laugh heard from an amputee who was told a bad joke to lighten his mood.

Just to give you an idea.

There are occasional grammar issues, but not many. Eg:

He remembered moving uphill, tripping, falling backwards; trying to sit up.

The semi-colon really isn't needed there. You could substitute another comma in there, or put in the word "and."

The only other thing that stood out strange was this sentence:

They asked him questions, both commanding and friendly like, "Where's your friend," and, "What did you take?"

The word "like" is used in a strange way. I had to re-read it to get the way you used it. I'd either take it out and put a full stop after "friendly," or add another comma directly after "friendly."

Apart from those little things, it reads pretty well.

[Cain]

Thanks man. The English teacher warned about switching persons like that.