[BT1] Orion v Victoria Review

[Jonathan Meer]

http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?...post553341

Closed in three days, provided the minimum of 5 votes.

[Jarka]

Crap, you guuuyyyyys, why couldn't you make this easy on us?

It was really enjoyable reading both of your posts - you managed to convey the joint history without totally losing somebody who wasn't aware of the details (such as myself). You're both phenomenal writers, too.

ORION:
You're a very very solid writer. You are also one of those writers whose style really seems to reflect the way the character would see the world, which I love. Sometimes it felt a little bit... dry? But, again, it felt like how Orion would describe things, so it worked.

VICTORIA:
Your strength lies in your descriptions. It really fleshes out the world around Victoria in your personal RPs as well as in this tourney. However, there are sometimes when you get a little too descriptive, and it takes away from the action of the post. In addition, the very end of your second post was a bit confusing at parts - initially I wasn't sure if the repeated slap was from her feet hitting the ground as she ran or from her actually slapping him, and you buried the clarification midway through the following paragraph. I know you were pressed for time because of the keyboard breaking, but I wish you could've had a better chance to reread that.

Crap, guys. Crap. You're both awesome.
I vote Orion.

[John Doe]

Whew, it felt like I was reading the final round of the tournament, rather than a first round bout. It'll be tough. I became familiar with both of your writing because of the Invasion Saga, and neither of you disappointed me.

Orion: Hahahaha, I didn't know who or what Lekel was during your (awesome) super saiyan transformation scene, and it threw me for a loop until I looked it up in your roster. Boy do I feel stupid. As I mentioned before, I'm quite fond of the inner thoughts character narration stuff, and your posts are full of it. Good stuff. While I can't find where you can make improvements myself, I'm sure some of the more skilled writers can help you out there.

Victoria: I envy your ability to write description, which I myself loathe like no other (actually many others, apparently). The choice and flow of words are some of the best on the site (imo), and I helped me picture what was going on in my noggin. There were a few times when some sentences felt... weird to me. Like this one: "A sharp kick collided to her side whilst she remained flying backwards, now she flew to the side." Dunno what it was, but I felt something off when I read it. As well, there were some times when I felt you had unnecessary punctuation in your sentences.

Voting. Um... Well shit, I think Orion's stuff was very solid, but I also really enjoyed the description from Victoria. Fuck.

I'm going to vote Victoria, but you're both winners in my book (too cheesy?). More than likely going to vote for one of you when that "wildcard" thing pops up.

[Sigfried Hunin]

The reason I've been putting off voting for this is because it's just really goddamn hard to give good C&C for yas. Not to say you're perfect or anything, but I really enjoyed it.

Orion:
The only thing I'm gonna say is that it came off as mildly "flat" in some places, but that also sort of pulls through the nature of your character in a lot of ways, so meh.

Vic:
It can get a lil flowery here and there, but that ALSO brings out your character, so MEH.

I vote for Orion.

[Aero]

Like everyone before me said: extremely hard to judge.

Orion
Good story-telling. I've never read any of your work prior to this tournament, but I already feel like I have some sense of your character. I like the fact that you integrate a lot of Orion's perception along with the narration. Like everyone above me said, however, some parts of your posts came across a little flat (I don't know if that's your character, or simply your writing). You're dialogue was relatively good. Not many grammar/punctuation issues, from my sight.

Victoria
Sometimes your strength is also your weakness. You're very good at painting a picture for the reader. However, sometimes you paint it so well that you don't allow the reader to have their own perspective. Really, description is about execution; you have to know when and when not use too much. Good dialogue as well. I couldn't really see any grammar/punctuation issues.


Honestly, I gonne vote no decision.

If I'm forced to choose between the two, then let me know and I'll try.

[Belle Hibiki]

Orion:

Enjoyable. You write from a third-person limited perspective rather than the third-person sorta-kinda-omniscient form that gets used a lot around here, which I am a big big big fan of. No obvious structure errors that I could see, some minor flaws here and there (the part about him knowing better but it feeling like Victoria lit his robe on fire stuck out oddly), and I was able to get a handle on the basic archetype and thought process of the character very easily. The writing was, for the most part, concise and to the point. Good stuff.

There are occasions where I think you state things too plainly - as in his emotional state - but the SSJ transformation pretty much avoided this. The image of his anger burning hotter because it was burning at all was potent.

Victoria:

Your spelling is fine. Your grammar is fine. You have a developed style that doesn't jump around. Your basics are extremely solid, and I liked a lot of the first half of the first post. You created a rich backdrop that felt real. “Hey, we kicked ass, we're still here” felt so right. It even made me forget that constant sound makers, screaming and cheering can't really be breaking any kind of "silence."

What evs, you know? Nitpicking.

I got a feel for the character - not a great one, I didn't feel like I connected with her, but I at least know why she's there and the shit she's dealing with.

However, despite the good beginning, I found it very difficult to get through your posts.

Why?

I'm not going to judge you by past threads, but I will mention that this is something that's almost always been an issue. Whether a lot or a little, it's always been a bit ... purple prose-y. A daisy is not a daisy, it's "a be-petaled flower, its pristine white, silky ornaments reaching out from a radiant, sun-kissed center."

Vic's hair is never pink, it's coral. She's almost never just Victoria, she's 'the youth', 'the hunter', or some other euphemism. (Though this latter is a widely used by other members of the site, and as I've judged them without knocking off points for it, I won't complain overly much of this.) A wind can't touch her cheek, it "kissed her cheek, very much tingling with the warmth of the fiery suns".

It hurts your writing. It hurts it a lot. I know that this is your style, but it needs to be tweaked. Flowery prose is not innately bad - just when it is used with wanton abandon. Like salt, it can spice up a dish and make it even more delicious, but if you use too much it becomes all you can taste, and the real meat of your prose is overshadowed and lost.

Verdict: Orion.

[Edward Reynolds]

Victoria: I was a bit off-put by the beginning of your first post. After thinking the fist-punching was going to begin as it ‘seemed’ to have at the end of Orion’s post, I was…deflated by a somewhat laborious description of the stadium. To echo what most people have said, you do suffer from extensive purple prose. I believe that Belle put it the best, so to save myself from having to awkwardly paraphrase what he said, just give his remarks double the attention.

Orion: I really enjoy Orion—I think he’s a very solid character, which is reinforced by some very solid writing. Orion feels very grounded in reality. Your first post was somewhat…tame, but that’s a critique I have of a lot of fights this round—lots of ‘pre-stuff’ involving people standing and walking and looking. It’s all well-written (don’t think I’m implying otherwise), but as a reader, I wind up tapping my foot waiting for something to happen. I thought your use of the italicized quotes in your second post was very well done. I’ve seen that done before quite poorly by others, but you own that stuff.

End: Your both fantastic writers. I <3 reading both your work, but in the end, I have to give the edge to Orion.

[Mal Nova]

Bah! They say Criticize people you are pretty sure are better then you...

Fucking hell...

Lol....

Orion.... Your first post was near perfection in my opinion. Everyone that has an Intro has made it their own, and you did something similiar. I'd have to wonder who went before you and who's RP's you read and ponder if it all fit, but who knows? Maybe it could fit? The sitting in a room and waiting had me wondering is all. You depicted your character greatly and had me eager about the droid thing, but also had me wondering if the droid was the half mechanical brain you mentioned. Second post you leave it all out. But your flow is great.



Victoria.. Maybe it's me... but I tihnk I saw 2-3 switches of flow. It was subtle and decent. But I think I saw it. I'm actually sure I saw it, but I tihnk you were trying to hard to make it, and that's why I saw it. Second post. I saw something that i noticed in the first post. You are describing to much and at times pushing it to far. You had 1500 limit. You could have cut the top half alot and made things alot more intersting.


Vote: Orion

[Alexander Trafford]

5-1 Orion, vote closed. MOVING ON TO THE NEXT ROUND.

[Jonathan Meer]

Final Tabulation: 5 votes for Orion, 1 vote for Victoria

Orion wins Round 1.