BT1[SF] - Belle Hibiki v Alex Trafford Review

[Jonathan Meer]

http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28528

Thread will remain open 72 hours, as long as five votes have been reached by that point.

All votes must be accompanied by C&C.

[Sigfried Hunin]

I really liked this fight. I love seeing people that have history do BATTLE.

Belle:
Really cool classic anime feel to it, as always. I liked the way you framed it in a way that made me imagine the animation style and how it would look if it was ever made into a TV show. You write your character into your style very well.
You do have a tendency to sort of go off on tangents though, which hurts you when you have such a small word count limit. I really liked the scene and it framed the back and forth very well, made it philosophical and even MORE anime-like, but it was too long for the tournament. You also had a lot of paragraphs that were very similar in length (very very short) and it made your writing seem a little too choppy for me.

Trafford:
I love the detail that goes into your work. At times, you seem to forget how powerful that can be in your writing, and I think if you really put yourself in the moment you might pull them out with more consistency. Little things about your character make him real to me, he's not really just some kind of made up person somewhere when he's speaking or interacting most of the time. You're also pretty creative with your powers, which is a huge selling point for me.
You slip out of it sometimes, which is your biggest weakness. You can draw us into moments and feelings so frequently and then you inexplicably drop it, only to pick it back up again. I think if you had more time it wouldn't be like that.

I vote for Alexander Trafford on this one, but it was very close in my mind. I had to read it over a few times before I decided.

[John Doe]

Trafford: I've noticed that you like to used "sun kissed" or something similar when you start these fights. Not factoring that into this vote, just saying that I saw it.

Your posts are incredibly well written. Not just for of the way you frame your sentences and your choice of words, but also because you seem to be able to visualize what you what to write in excruciating detail. I usually have the latter, but significantly lack the former.


Belle: Just like Traff, your posts were written well. You know how to paint pictures with your words and understand your character and setting enough to correctly portray it. There were a few strange phrases or sentences, like:

Alex, if anything, looked just as surprised, the bringing up of his other weapon halting.

It felt really awkward to me.


Both: Trafford and Belle have a history together and you both manage to show it. It kinda reminded me of the Vic and Orion fight early on, where there was a sense of history without over-explaining it. Both of you also dove into some personal character history in your second posts. Trafford had his character tell the story, and Belle had the narration do it instead. Both different but both did their job.

The entire fight was very vivid and emotional, with great material from both sides. I'm going to vote for Belle at the end of it all.

[Jarka]

Hurngh.

Again, why couldn't one of you not post? Make things easy on everybody?

Okay. Here we go.

Both of you are grand writers and both of you wrote extremely well for this fight. Jerks. Both of you have very very very sound mechanics and overall enjoyable writing style. As a result, my commentary will be totally subjective suggestions for the both of you. lolol

Both of you: The bird? I know it's important; you both mention it; I know it died. I would have liked to know from one of you a teensy bit more about it. Just, like, one sentence more of context.

Trafford:
While I liked the exposition into Traff's history at the end of the 2nd, I think it could have been done a little bit better. It a little bit abrupt and out of left field. However, you ended that post magnificently with that line about knowing what it's like to be Traff and shooting the gun. My biggest suggestion to you, and it's totally just a matter of personal opinion, relates to your dialogue.

I think my favorite line of dialogue from your entire post is this one:

“Ah, Belle, I see that you’re still alive . . . pity.” The well-dressed teenager inhaled one last time on the cigarette and then flicked it towards his opponent. It landed harmlessly on the ground between them.

The reason for this has nothing to do with the speech. See, you have a good enough mastery, for the most part, that the reader can tell who the subject of a paragraph or the speaker of a line of dialogue is. Because you have enough skill with this, you really don't need to use speech qualifiers (said, whispered, shouted, growled, etc.). If you don't use them, you free yourself up for more awesome imagery and action, like that cigarette exchange. The only time you really need to use them is if HOW they spoke is important (it's usually not). Even then, it's often more effective to do something like this:

“Fuck . . . you . . . Belle.” Trafford's groan spattered blood across the saiyan’s face.

It makes the dialogue feel more like part of the action. You did use fewer speech qualifiers in your second post, and I felt it flowed a lot better than the first. To clarify, there's nothing wrong with using qualifiers, I just think you're good enough of a writer to not need them. To see if you like how it sounds, reopen your posts in Word and try to eliminate all speech qualifiers by integrating them into sentences or just flat out deleting them and replacing them with a line that clarifies the speaker, like the cigarette one. Or just keep it in mind as a possibility in the future.

Oh, also, your dialogue tended to start paragraphs, like:
"Words words words." His hand raised. Rest of paragraph blah blah.

Don't forget to switch things up by starting with the descriptor and ending with the dialogue (this works really well with short paragraphs, like the end of your second) or by putting an action between two spurts of dialogue, like:

"Words words." He scratched his head. "Words and words." Rest of paragraph blah blah.

He faced the man. "Words words words." Rest of paragraph blah blah.

Belle:
Definitely liked this round better than your first round. As Orsaligfried said, your paragraphs are sometimes too choppy and short. While a burst of short lines can be very effective (as in the very end of your second post), grouping them together into bigger paragraphs makes for a much more readable post due to the variety of sizes. In regards to your flashback, I definitely enjoyed it as a way to give the reader insight into Belle's history without him being like, "ORLY, Traff? I had tuff lyf 2. Here's how blahblah". I thought you made a really good decision in doing it that way. I will make one nitpick that you may choose to entirely disregard for the future. You had a 1500 word limit for these posts. At the end of the flashback, you had the mantra from Belle's father

“If you're weak, get stronger. If your edge is dull, get sharper. If you're knocked down, get back up. And if you hate, learn to forgive. You are the weapon you wield: if you strike … strike true.”

Then, at the very end of the post, you repeat this mantra verbatim (with action bits in between). I think the size of the post was way too short to do a lengthy word for word repeat like that. It would have been more effective, in my opinion, to have the flashback end with a hint to the fact that the father is about to say something sagelike without giving specifics. Then, when the post is wrapping up, have it be all "The words of Belle's father rang through his mind as it had on that blustery winter night so many years ago. 'If you're weak, get stronger'..." The verbatim works for longer posts/threads or if it's done stylistically, but I didn't think the execution was as good as it could have been because of the short nature of the posts. Just something to keep in mind in the future.

...

So, I honestly think both of you had equally strong posts. As a result, I know my vote is subjective and based off of whose writing style I personally prefer, and that is Trafford. Again, very very very very close. Like, coin flip close. Feel free to disregard my vote if need be.

[Vad]

Both of you did a splendid job, but Belle garnered my vote in the end. I'll be posting some C&C when I finish some stuff around the house that was just brought to my attention.

[Jonathan Meer]

Votes are deadlocked at 2 and 2.

The next vote will decide it.

[Mal Nova]

Alex: Post 1:There's not much I can really say aside from a few things I guess. I think you've done the entrance type post each time, and to do that and not make an entrance bland without some type of story arch this many times, at this point, is pretty awesome in my book. You kind of left us( or me as a reader) hanging, on the bird thing., and I would have liked to know more about it in my personal opinion. I do think somewhere in the post you used 'spit up' instead of 'spat' as well... And after a ';' I think the next letter is supposed to be capatilized...

The Ascension was a bit weird and all of a sudden in my opinion. I felt there was something missing, like a reason behind it...

Belle: First sentence had me smiling. And it felt really perfect for your character and something of what I was thinking when I was finished reading Alex's ascension.

Maybe it's me, but it felt as if you were trying something... I assume trying to make it seem like there is a deep confused hatred against Ace(I'm not wording this right) But I don't think you hit the cresendo, or mark, I would have expected out of you. I honestly think you could have done better on this one... As well I think it was weird that he was all gung-ho/berserk but then was backpedaling without much explination in the end.

Alex 2nd: Well aside from the ';' remark I made above, i dont think you should have used 'bellow' twice. To me it came off like it entered your mind and you just wanted to use it.(Same with countenance)

You probably could have went further with the near loss of conscienceness/drowning in his own blood thing in my honest opinion and made it more awesome, but it was easy enough to understand. Not to sure there should have been an apostrophe in "the warrior's barren chests" And if there was I think it was suppose to be warriors'...

(Belle reached out and snatched Trafford’s wrist and clung to it, but nevertheless their bodies were thrown apart.) "attempted to cling to it" not "clung to it"

The small speech at the end could have been done better slightly better, but it did leave me in suspense to read more about Alex... and his troubbled life...

Belle 2nd: First off... (Silhouetted against Namek's shining sun, the half-saiyan stood straight-backed, his head tilted to stare down at the arena below) You cant stand on air... Lol unless you got a technique like the one im about to buy =P


(Trafford whirled around, bringing the gun to bear) Bare, not bear.

(Trafford's gun game up in a blink) came not game..

And lastly.. you made made the history scenario and all come together at the end. But still im not entirely sure it all fit fully together...




My vote goes to Trafford.

And before I get lynched at the criticism... I'm sorry but I had do my best at this and just picked up the things I noted. I chose Ace as the winner because all in all it seems Trafford was more consistent with his posts and didn't over shoot it, like I felt Belle did. I actually came into reading the posts tihnking Belle would have done so, and in my opinion, had he not tried so hard, he would have.

[Alexander Trafford]

I vote Belle, I would have graded them as such: Belle 2 > Trafford 2 > Belle 1 > Trafford 1.

[Mal Nova]

Pffft... It was Traff 2 > Belle 1.5 > Traff 2 > Belle 2

O_o Nothing personal\

Edit: And the perfect ending to the fight should mention the sleep thing... =D

[Alexander Trafford]

Pffft... It was Traff 2 > Belle 1.5 > Traff 2 > Belle 2

O_o Nothing personal\

Edit: And the perfect ending to the fight should mention the sleep thing... =D

Well, I'm pretty sure my vote doesn't count.

[Mal Nova]

Rules state you cant vote for your own fight. =P

[Jonathan Meer]

Yeah. You can't.

Trafford - 3 votes
Belle - 2 votes

Alexander Trafford advances to the final round.

[Belle Hibiki]

Trafford can do the write-up. If he wants.

[Mal Nova]

Mention the sleep thing!!!!!!

Dammit!!!

[Belle Hibiki]

What the FUCK are you talking about?

[Alexander Trafford]

If you want to write the write-up Belle, then that wouldn't be a problem.

Edit: Otherwise I will tomorrow.

[Mal Nova]

Brown eyes flicked down to Belle's hand, then back up. “Not sure,” he answered, his deep voice just above a murmur. “Hard to do training when you haven't slept.”

“I did sleep,” Belle spat. “It's not my goddamned fault you're so lazy.”

“Hm,” his Dad grunted as Belle turned his back to him.

The attack came without warning. Belle dropped to the snow as his father's fist cut the air above him, knocking up a curtain of snow. He waved his body, shooting a kick at the old man's shin as he rolled away, got to his feet, and turned to face him.

But he wasn't there anymore.

“Opening!”

Belle jerked to the side, but not fast enough. Sledgehammer knuckles raced past, tapping his chin, and his entire skull seemed to rattle. Belle sagged.

The knee drove into his gut, the air wheezing out of him. He fell, and as he did, a heavy hand clamped onto the back of his head and pushed down, slamming his face into the snow. He twisted his head to the side, gasped for air.

“You shouldn't lie,” his dad said, disapproving. “For one thing, you suck at it. Second, I know you too well.” His grip shifted, crushing Belle against the cold as he tried to wriggle away. “You haven't slept. If you did, you'd have been able to dodge an easy punch like that. There's no point to training when your senses are that dull. Understand?”

[Mal Nova]

Im sorry but you can make a perfect ending off of the first rule.... =/ it would fit...

[Alexander Trafford]

How would I incorporate a memory that involves self-imposed sleep deprivation that occurred years ago into a current fight in which the two fighters are loaded with adrenaline?

[Belle Hibiki]

Alex - Considering the end of my last post, I think it's more appropriate for you to wrap it up.

Plus describing my own defeat in my mental state right now would feel like stabbing myself in the gut over and over. Going to think about how I want to proceed.