anyone got some time?

[Old Captain Silver]

Can anyone give me some C&C for my two posts in MoA so far?

Post #1 - Entry post

Post #2

Please and thanks!

[Ander]

POST #1: ENTRY POST

Originally written by Captain Silver
Silver awoke on the hard ground of the planet Mercy and it hurt like hell.

Show me it hurt like hell. Being straight and to the point was a good way to introduce it, but now I want to see why he hurts like hell.

While it's clever that your ninja spirit or whatever can convert his "soul" into a traveling entity, it's also very, very wierd. Like Jyuken is a parasite or something. I also would be interested to see just what exactly he planned to do about the tranq, as I view him as more of a separate consciousness versus anything of physical substance.


POST #2

Originally written by Captain Silver
This thing was not tame and it was not afraid to show it. The only thing it cared about was seeing the insides of the human that kicked his human form.

Redundant.

Going Sasquatch is kind of cool. However! Going crazy is like shooting up heroin...you can only do it so many times before you OD. After a while, it gets boring as the reader builds up a tolerance, and eventually interest dies. I recommend only using it at a pivotal moment in your character's development.