Nightwalker

[Orion]

Could someone take the time to give me some C&C on my latest quest please?

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...19343&sid=

[Ander]

I will get to it within the next 24 hours.

EDIT: Make that a little longer...

[Ander]

Sorry about the wait.

Originally written by Trunks
The technological supremity of Frost-sei drew a great deal of people.

While supremity is a word, I mentally replace it with "supremacy."

Haha. Trunks is an Aussie. That's awesome.

You don't fail to live up to my expectations. You've always been a great writer, and all of your scenery is described very well. I could get a clear picture of the city you were in, and using words like "evaporated" instead of "vanished" for teleportation is creative.

Titan's encounter with the "Nightwalker" was also very elaborate and unexpected. The outline of the quest left the Nightwalker's identity vague, so I was pretty into it, and then at the very last second you pull the sheets out.

Titan himself is pretty fleshed out: a cowardly opportunistic bigmouth.

Originally written by Trunks
"Titan you fuckwit!"

XD XD XD XD

I was rooting for him to get eaten. Oh man was I. But that would have completely removed his purpose as Trunks's foil, and we couldn't have that lack of buffoonery until just the right moment.

Originally written by Trunks
A quiet, almost inaudible sound of a pebble dropping to the ground stopped the violet haired teenager in his quest for silence. It was very close this time, much closer than the drop of the first rock.

The Super Saiyan looked around, but still couldn't feel a ki signature. Grimacing, he reached for the handle of his blade. Suddenly, a swift wind ran across the back of his hand. He pulled away, more startled than anything. His eyes examined his hand; it was fine.

Temporary confusion. At first I thought that Trunks had reverted to his normal state, but then the second pronoun contradicted that. Didn't like it, but it's almost trivial. I also didn't much like your phrase "impaled sword." Something like "embedded" would have been better. But meh.

I was intrigued as to Trunks's "pre-cognition," which was a nice addition.

Your story has twists and turns, conflict, and humor. Perfect blend. Bravo. I look forward to the conclusion.

[Orion]

Thank you very much Bardock. I thought I was beginning to get stale, but at least in your opinion I'm doing well. =D