Eye Spy

[Saz]

Can somebody give me some C&C on a quest I'm doing on Arlia-sei called Eye Spy.

Here's the link.

I have yet to get any real C&C given to me. I have a vague idea of how I'm doing and some of the aspects of my writing I need to improve upon, but I'd really appreciate some input from anyone who's willing to give it. And not just, you're doing well keep it up, or your bad get better. But a indepth guide on how I am to improve and what I'm doing wrong, hopefully that isn't asking too much.

[Yamu]

First and foremost I like your word choice. Your vocabulary contains some very distinct words like ?bafflement? and ?whilst? which you use flawlessly without sounding verbose like most people do when they try and put a unique word into their writing.

You end your posts very well too. You close with a flourish making sure the reader wants to continue to the next. It is not so episodic as they don?t flow but not to open-ended that they cannot be read alone.

I enjoy how you use the ?ze? instead of ?the? to remind me of his French accent. Give Sazuaa a certain flair as I read the dialogue.

The major grammatical flaw I found was the lack of capitalization at the beginning of spoken word. When ever you started dialogue not at the beginning of a paragraph you usually left the first word lower-case instead of capitalizing it.

The one stylistic problem I would work on would be trying to fit to much description into your writing. You try and push to much information onto the reader at once.

Examples:

I thought you said you were taking me to see ze king," Sazuaa asked the two Arlians who had found and brought him to the underground prison, from behind the rusty metal bars.

The sentence goes on forever. You could take the part out about the two Arlians and just leave him ?asking from behind the rusty bars? and you will still get the image you want of an imprisoned Sazuaa without having an awkward sentence that extends to far. Don?t treat the reader like an idiot, he can fill in some gaps without being explicitly told.

The ?over-describing? happens other times too:

The only thing covering their grey bodies were armour plates on their chests, and leather belts which held their weapons, around their waists.

We will assume the belt is around their waist?it is where belts go. Even if one or two add a cross strap that goes around their shoulder to meet the waist, it does not effect the scene so explicit mention of it around their waists is extraneous.

I hope those were useful pointers.

[Saz]

Wow I didn't expect a reply, especially so quickly. Thanks Yamu for the advice. =D
And yes it was very helpful.

Originally posted by Yamu The one stylistic problem I would work on would be trying to fit to much description into your writing. You try and push to much information onto the reader at once.

Description has always been what I consider to be my biggest flaw. When I first joined I wasn't putting enough detail into a post and now I seem to be putting in too much. I'm trying to find a medium between the two, but I think it's something that will only come with time and practise.

Originally posted by Yamu The major grammatical flaw I found was the lack of capitalization at the beginning of spoken word. When ever you started dialogue not at the beginning of a paragraph you usually left the first word lower-case instead of capitalizing it.

I seriously did not know you were supposed to capitalize speech even if it wasn't at the start of a sentence. Thanks, I'll make sure to work on that.

If anyone else would be so kind to shed some light on where I'm going wrong and what not, it would be greatly appreciated.