C&C Szar

[Szar]

Hi everyone. I know I haven't been active very much here, but recently I've come out of retirement for the saga. I was wondering if anyone who has followed my posts thus far, would mind commenting on my stuff. Nitpick as much as you please, I just want to know where I stand with all of you.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25787 Business as Usual, my first and only job RP thusfar.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27291 Wonderland, my first round in Kill Town.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27328 Ice Climbers, my second round in Kill Town.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27356 Space Battles, my third round in Kill Town.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27405 Search for the Booty, my fourth and final round in Kill Town.

Should you decide to do this, and you yourself are looking for C&C, I will gladly return the favor.

[Szar]

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27476 Battle the Terraesque. Szar vs Giant monster a go-go.

[Ander]

Szar, god damn, it’s been too long since you’ve sat down and written, and let me say, WELCOME BACK. I know you forced yourself to write for the saga, and I am glad you did, and I hope you will continue to force yourself to write in the future.

You’re one of those people who is a much, much better writer than they either think they are or say they are. For you, it’s just a matter of shaking off the rust. If you look at your first post in Kill Town to your last post, there is a world of difference, and it all boils down to becoming re-acclimated to your writing style. Length is not so much a factor with you, and that’s typically what you worry about the most, but I always appreciate anyone who can write 300 words of visual crack over somebody who writes 3,000 words of crap.

I’ll go ahead and comment about your tarrasque posts, because they are the most recent to stand out in my mind. Your very last one struck me as very good, with the potential to be great if you had a little bit of polish. I liked your metaphor for Szar’s power being inside of a locked box with holes in it. I always appreciate using something like that, because I am a very visual person when it comes to reading and writing, and the better something is described or the more profound the metaphor, the clearer the picture in my head. Now, typically, a “locked box” is a pretty common one for something like inner power, but yours stood out because he was like, ‘there’s one lock that’s weaker than the rest.’ You actually took the time to describe the box like it was an actual thing, versus a brief analogy. And then there was that whole “Szar is like a fly” thing which was hilarious.

The one thing that would have made that post better than it was, is if you cut down on the ‘to be’ verbs, which are things like: am, are, is, was, were, be, become, and became. What you want to replace those with are action verbs. Here’s an example sentence:

To Be Verb:
Szar was afraid the tarrasque would kill his friends.

Action Verb:

Szar feared the tarrasque would kill his friends.

Lastly, to remark upon the character itself, I find him highly appealing in the sense that most writers (myself included) typically embrace their racial stereotypes. Saiyans are tough sons of bitches, humans are emotional and frail, and so on and so forth. Szar, however, rebels against his. There’s nothing more endearing that somebody who fights against what the world perceives they are born to be, and that echoes so well in real life that Szar can almost be considered an allegory. I would keep that up, because it’s a very powerful tool in your development.

Also, Iceman and Hotshot. That is all.