[BT1] Belle v Aero Review

[Jonathan Meer]

http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28416

For review of the fight. Will be closed in three days (as long as there are at least five votes; if there are fewer than five votes, the thread will remain open until five votes are reached).

Your post should include both comments-and-criticism for each, as well as your selection for the winner. Your general criteria should include technical prowess and stylistic prowess. Your vote should not take into account any posts outside of the fight, and should not include how much you like a particular character or person.

Make your selection for victor clear by bolding your selection at the conclusion of your post.

[Victoria]

Okay, I'm gonna try to do this. I'm not very good at C&C though...

Belle,

I like how you used your NPC, but you didn't over use her, which is a plus. I admit that I was afraid you would depend on the NPC for filler, but it added a bit of an outside feel to your posts. The humor was good too, we all like a little humor, and I'm sure we were all waiting for the classic reminder of how scared of women Belle is.

The only thing I can point out about your writing is that your posts seem a little cut and dry. The age old rule of "show don't tell" comes to mind. Your detail could use some work, and there isn't a lot of depth to the style. There were a few typos and grammatical errors, so if you don't proof read, that would help.

Aero,

Your writing has some good depth, I like how you had some retrospective moments to give a feel for what the character is thinking/feeling. There was good detail put into the fighting, giving me a better picture of what was going on. I really liked how you included the announcer and incorporated the feel of an outside view.

I wasn't a huge fan of the OOC-esq inclusions, anything in the brackets could have been written in or narrated. It sort of threw off from the flow of reading the posts. Instead of saying "This is like a DBZ fight" write it like a DBZ fight. I'm not sure if you were trying to be humorous, but, from a writing point of view, I don't think it's correct. There were a few typos here and there, which tends to happen, so a good proof read will help with that.

Conclusion:

I found that overall the fight actually reminded me a lot of Naruto lol. Especially when Belle said to Aero that he figured him out, and when Aero was going to use his technique he hadn't perfected yet. Not that it was bad. It was pretty good, although, overall it still felt a little watered down.

Anyway, my vote will go to Aero. Both were good, but I enjoyed the detail and depth that Aero included in his writing.

[Jarka]

Yay to the first BT1 fight completed! Vic said things that I was planning on saying, so this'll probably be briefer than intended.

I thought both of you did a really nice job capturing the attitude of an announcer. I know that's kind of a weird comment, but it was consistent between the two of you and it was a nice little way to make the reader feel like they were actually watching the fight. It was also humorous when the announcer would repeat something verbatim that had just been described (and handy, in case of any confusion on the part of the reader).

It also seemed like you were both able to write in the essence of each other's characters adeptly, letting each get a bit of give and take. There were a few times where I had to bounce up to see who was writing the post!

Belle:
I think your first post was your strongest. You did a nice job of setting up the scene and demonstrating the attitudes of the characters quickly. In my opinion, I think the second post lost a lot with the breast scene. I had to reread it a few times because I had no clue what was happening - it felt like you were skipping over lines of action/description. I'm still a little confused by some details. I mean, I get the gist, but I felt it took too much away from the rhythm of the fight and it seemed a little rushed. I think you have the skill to integrate that kind of scene better. Other than that, I really enjoyed your writing.

Aero:
I felt your second post was your strongest. The first one was okay, but you really stepped it up for your second post. You have kind of a casual tone in your writing that really works with the way you portray Aero - it makes your posts feel really consistent. I agree with Vic about your brackets and hyphenates (which you sometimes used as a form of alternate bracket): a lot of them could have just been written into the narrative. The one exception, for me, was "Blueberry-san (that had to be the gayest alias since Goldust) balled up both of his fists." I literally laughed out loud, and it seemed more like a thought of Aero's than the author saying "Hey, picture this, okay?" I know you can integrate the bracketed imagery into the main narrative if you try - you have some really wonderful imagery in your writing already.

Hmmmm... It really is a tough pick, but think I'm going to go with Belle here.

[John Doe]

Both of you guys had a good grasp of each other's character, and I could feel it (Blueberry-san!).

For Belle, I think you could have easily cut out the breastses near the middle of your second post. I don't think it was needed, even if it is a part of your character.

For Aero, the parts in the brackets took me out of the story. Like Vic and Jarka said before, I think you could have easily added into the narration itself.

I'm going to vote for Aero in the end.

[Sigfried Hunin]

Belle:
I loved your characterization and polished writing style. I don't see typos like everyone else (one of the problems I have with my own editing xD) so I can't really complain about that. I just feel like the quality of your writing was very strong. I liked your NPC for the most part and the humor of that action break was good.

However, you broke the action and pacing up in strange ways and it sort of threw me off. The first post seemed a bit dry (which I suffered from as well) and it took a while to get to the crux of the action which I think hurt you. I think all in all, the thing I would say to work on was that certain "clunky" feeling that carried in some places.

Aero:
I liked the way your carried the fight forward. You made it dynamic and pushed us through the movement of the battle really well. The pacing was a little weird in places, but over I think that was your strong point. Creative ways to fight with just a few abilities and a good understanding of how characters interact is a great thing.

I hate your OOC snippets. I shouldn't be told that, "This is like XYZ," I should read your work and be like, "Oh! This is like XYZ!" You seemed to struggle in a few places when you broke your groove, and that also interrupted the pace of the fight.


Overall, it was a fun read from both of you guys! I really enjoyed reading that fight and I hope you guys stay active so I can read more form both of you.

Final Judgement: Belle

I feel like even though Aero carried a lot of the battle, Belle's writing and the way he revealed character interaction and development was enough to tip it into his favor. Once again, close call, good fight.

[Edward Reynolds]

I should have posted my verdict earlier, and then everyone after me would have felt like a broken record other than the opposite way around, bah. It doesn't help that I positively suck at stuff like this ~_~. Well, let's give it a whirl.


Belle: I thought your strongest work was the second half of your first post and the first half of your second post. It was well-paced and kept me engaged in what was going on as a reader. The break in the middle with the humor was funny, but it pulled me out of the scene. For me as a reader, it killed the momentum I saw you building and made the end of your second post less dramatic than it would have been if everything had been working up to that point. Your use of the NPC didn't bother me a whole lot.

Aero: Too many parenthetical citations in your writing. More than one in a post always leaves me furrowing my brow. You can always try to incorporate them in more varied fashions if you like them as a staple (perhaps make some of them into internal quips or whatnot, it will keep them from jarring the reader, I suppose). I do like the style of your writing. It reflects Aero as a character very well. I felt you excelled in your pacing of the combat. Your second post was superior to your first as well, although you probably didn't need the asterisk and massive amount of space. It just made me quirk my brow.

End: These were both some great posts. I advise both of you to glance over your work to catch any subversion errors in grammar that hide from even the most skilled writers (if only everyone would do this, myself included). The fight itself was very entertaining—it felt like a genuine match in the TB from the anime, and for that, I applaud you both, although I wish it would have been less entertaining, as it would have made the decision less nerve-wracking. In the end, I lean toward Aero.

[Alexander Trafford]

Belle: This was not your best work. You seem a little rusty, which is something I entirely understand as I am in the same boat. Despite that you’re nothing if not consistent. Granted, the second half of your first post and the first half of your second post, as Piper said, were the strongest parts of your roleplays. But if I had to grade both of your posts numerically, I’d give them the same grade. Your description was a bit weak at times, but, as you probably know since I’ve said it a dozen times before this, I love your style and how you structure your posts. They feel very ‘DBZ-anime-ish’, for lack of a better term, and I dig that. Also the humor and Belle’s interactions with others was spot on. I enjoyed how you utilized the announcer. Good posts overall.

Aero: Your second post was one of your better pieces of work, in my opinion. I haven’t read much of your stuff recently, but I really, really enjoyed that. Conversely, I was not a huge fan of your first post. I’m also not a huge fan of the parenthesis. I enjoy your casual style and how you advance the post and the fight. You seem to have a very strong hold on Aero and I enjoyed how you wrote his interactions with Belle, as well as how you utilized the announcer and the crowd. You do a very good job of ‘painting the picture.’ There were a few lines in the first post I had to reread as they were unclear, but besides that I noted very few grammatical errors overall.

Vote: This fight was especially close. I enjoyed reading both writer’s posts and the fight as a whole was very enjoyable. Both writers did a superb job at navigating their environments. They used the crowd, the announcer and one another very effectively. That is something that always impresses me as one of my personal weaknesses is interactions with other player-characters.

On the one hand Belle was extremely consistent. He was like the baseball player who bats .350 every year and is always on base, just a workhorse. And on the other there was Aero, who was more like the ball player who bats .250 but cranks out homerun balls on a frequent enough basis to leave you in awe. Overall though, my vote goes to Belle as the totally body of his work in this fight was more impressive to me than Aero’s. Still, though, it was an incredibly impressive read from both sides and I hope both of you maintain your activity.

[Mal Nova]

Bah.

I haven't read any ones C&C and it did take me a moment to realize that Aero has CT.


But My C&C is thus......

Aero... You flip flopped. You changed your style from DBZ oriented to Wrestling to other things. You used the ()... brackets I believe that's what they are called... to express unneeded crap. And crap be the correct word because that is what it was.

Then there was the hole part of the 'mother fucker' thing. It didn't flow and seemed as if you were trying to hard to make your character be in a mood that you wanted him in... or something... It just didn't fit...

However, reading the other parts alot of it flowed or meshed well together and was pretty good. I'm not big on the db-esque tournament type thing on the announcments and stuff but it seemed you were trying to pull it off...



Belle... BAH! What do you really want me to say? You took the cheap way out of starting a fight. You used the time spacer to have already started it. And already had it going. It's not a bad idea... But it is cheap. Yours RP's worked but they didn't all work fully. It was as if there were some hiccups in them though... The flow wasn't constant...

You both wrote well and you both have a vocabulary I wish to try to have when I write... But... My vote goes to Belle...

[Aero]

I'm not going to question your vote; I am going to question your effort in reading.

I didn't do any wresting moves in either of my posts (the closest I got was a underhook takedown, which comes from Judo too). If you're referring to the WWF entrance part I wrote, I was trying to describe an aura. Belle described his so well that I didn't want to repeat what he said.

It actually is a part of Aero's character to curse and say "mother fucker" and whatnot. It's not me trying to display his emotions too vividly--thats just what he'd say.

I'm not going to say anything about the brackets--they're called parenthesis, by the way--because everyone else has alluded to disliking them. However, I wouldn't say that constructive critique would be calling them "crap". Parenthesis can be used effectively, if you didn't know, and is in punctuation for reason. I probably do use them too much, and oftentimes incorrectly, but I'll try to get better at them.


EDIT: Also, you say at first that I "flip-flop" between styles. Then you say that the flow was good. Just sounds a little contradictory to me.

[Mal Nova]

I said style. I did not say wrestling MOVES... I said STLYE... ANd before I said that I said you FLIP FLOPPED.


When I said style... I was talking about your writing... Not your characters MOVES.

But of course you are gonna bitch because I guess my vote decides your crap.

But you were the fucking one wanting to get another vote on your damned fight. WTF ever

[Aero]

No,I'm glad that it's not tied-up anymore, regardless if it's in my favor or not.

And no need to throw around the bitch word man. I said what I had to say.

No need to continue this in the RPG discussion.

So please dont take this post as a retaliation.

[Mal Nova]

Fine... To attempt to elaborate...The flow was good without the flip flopping and the brackets(its what google called them, sorry. I had a brain malfunction on the correct term for the moment.)... But reading what you put in the parenthesis ruined a lot if it for you in my book, as well as the wrestling comment following one of them. You used 'wrestling' as a way to describe something DBZ-esque

The 'Mother fucker' thing... Well That's also a problem... From what I read I know nothing of your character at all... aside from the fact he is most likely a foul mouthed prick?

In my opinion there is very little.... character in what I read...

And for the record: I hate doing this because I am NO where close to being someone with authority on writing

[Victoria]

For future reference, ties do get broken, guys. So you don't HAVE to break the tie, Mal. However, we DO want you to participate in the voting process (there are a few others who still haven't). Read the rules in the General thread.

All participants are expected to vote in at least three fights per round. If a person does not fulfill this obligation, the voting result for their fight will be docked for each missing fight-grade, along with further penalties at my discrimination.

If a fight-vote results in a tie, a panel of three judges, who are not participating in the tournament, will break the tie.

So you could have just not voted, if that's what you really want.

Let me also point out, guys, that this is a vote on writing technique. It shouldn't be a vote on character swearing, or if you like or hate said character.

[Orion]

Belle:

I've had the pleasure of reading your past work (I wrote a rather huge C&C of some of your stuff a while ago) and your skills haven't diminished at all. Technically you're very proficient, your structure and control of flow is excellent, and you manage to sneak in some humorous moments in here and there.

Your greatest strength is how effortlessly you portray Belle's character while still keeping it interesting. Eg:

"Belle wasn't sure what he'd expected. Something … more, maybe. The man was older than he was by a number of years, with wild blue hair even more disheveled than Belle's own. There was a lazy look about him, as if he were both bored and amused at the same time.

Belle hated him already."

By simply adding "Belle hated him already," we have an insight into part of his character (his judgemental aspect.) Also, the part where the announcer asks what took him so long, and he awkwardly responds with the toilet excuse is another well displayed instance of Belle's mannerisms conveyed to the audience while actually standing out and being entertaining.

There isn't much I can criticise, except your use of your NPC. Akiha is obviously from your storyline but there was no context for someone like me who hasn't been following your stuff. For starters, I know Belle is terrified of women, but Akiha is one and he seems rather natural around her. Without having to dig around, I don't know why that apparent contradiction exists. Make sure that if you're entering a community wide event and you include something like that, describe or give a quick run down as to why she's there/who she is, etc.

tl:dr; Probably one of the best fleshed out characters on the site.

Aero:

I must say I was impressed with your writing. I haven't read your stuff before but you show a lot more skill than I was expecting. Your flow and structure rivals Belle's, and that's definitely a good thing.

You have a inclination toward great description. A lot of the time your choice of words and phrasing were very effective, such as "a mixture of blood and saliva shot from his mouth, like a old westerner spitting out wad of tobacco." You find a lot of unique ways of describing events or thoughts, and while some people may hamper their writing by doing this, you obviously understand how to do this well.

I also enjoyed the ending of your last post, leaving the decision hanging on an apparent cliffhanger.

There are a few issues, mostly with overly verbose sentences. Eg:

"The Idiot (Belle hated when Akiha called him that; Aero—if in his shoes, if he wore shoes—would have called her a bitch, and mention that her old ass needed to get some dick)"

That's way too wordy for a brief allusion to Akiha.

"The announcer began the count. “1!,” he said, throwing out a single digit from his right hand—an index finger. “2!” He threw out another digit. “3!” A third. “4!” Every finger but his thumb. “5!” Threw the thumb in, and then he put all his digits back down, except for his index. “6!”"

This was also needlessly drawn out and would've served you better if you made an overall reference to the counting of fingers rather than describing them as it happened.

I also thought "(it was like a real DBZ fighting scene—Goku versus Burter)" was a little jarring. I'm not a big fan of breaking the fourth wall, and describing something like this comes off as a little bit lazy and from your previous descriptions, I thought this was also a bit redundant.

tl:dr; Accomplished writer, above average knack for/placement of descriptions, further refinement of style would make you a fantastic writer.

Another difficult choice here, but Belle just manages to edge out. I think both of you are great contenders for the wildcard match as well.

[Jonathan Meer]

Previous verdict reversed; Orion's post came late. The rules indicate that the panel of three has to break the vote.

I'll update this with their decision as soon as it happens.

[Belle Hibiki]

I don't think those under evaluation should post in their judgment threads, but I'm gonna break that personal rule a bit, because I'm confused.

Even if you discount Orion's vote, it looks like it's 4v3 on voting.

Votes for Belle: Jarka, Siegfried, Alexander, Mal Nova

Votes for Aero: Victoria, Doe, Edward

Unless you're throwing out Mal's, too.

[Jonathan Meer]

Oh. You're right.

[Jonathan Meer]

Tabulation: 4 votes for Belle, 3 votes for Aero

Belle Hibiki wins Round 1.