Please?

[Chase]

Spar: Toma Vs. Tapion

Pretty please. My mind is making too much of an idea as to what I should continue Toma into, and I'm trying to get things straight.

Please and Thanks.

[Yamu]

I guess first and foremost I was a little confused?you alluded to too much back story with giving a direct reference for the reader to know what was going on. All the stuff about the dragon in your first post and the arm in the second I was baffled because I had no idea what was going on. I try and think of each thread I write in as a blank slate and whoever is reading it has not read anything else. If I reference my NPC Muya, I always remember to add that he was Yamu?s slave master as a boy so people know who the hell the random name just mention in my post is. Think of each thread as a completely new people are reading it. You don?t have to do complete summaries of your history but give us a little piece so we know how or why what your writing about is significant.

Ok actual points:

You referred to your character as ?the teenager? for the entire first post then switch to using just ?Toma? for the end of the second post. Try and vary it up more, throw in Saiya-Jin and what not, just mix it up more.

For this:

The salted air that caressed the wounded ground, scarred by the attacks of the dragon, lifted up into the air and rotated in the middle of the battleground.

You?re trying to fit to much into a single thought. The image you are going for is the air visibly lifting into the air, the ground is just a pass over point for the invoked image of the air. Giving equal, if not more, time and imagery to the ground distracts the reader from the central image of the salted air. When writing imagery try and stick to one per a sentence as it works more effectively then trying to picture everything at once.

This sentence:

Toma had no intention of fighting the non-transformer?however he had no choice.

I just didn?t like. If it was ?had had not intention? it would have worked better as it would establish past tense, but just one ?had? makes it present but the end of the sentence says he has already resigned himself to fight making it contradictory.

If you?re looking for direction I would try to focus on one half of Toma or the other. Either lean more towards the determined fighter willing to sacrifice everything for pride, or focus more on his young unsure teenage side and write about how everyday insecurities are magnified by someone with super-human powers.

[Chase]

Originally posted by Yamu
I guess first and foremost I was a little confused?you alluded to too much back story with giving a direct reference for the reader to know what was going on. All the stuff about the dragon in your first post and the arm in the second I was baffled because I had no idea what was going on. I try and think of each thread I write in as a blank slate and whoever is reading it has not read anything else. If I reference my NPC Muya, I always remember to add that he was Yamu?s slave master as a boy so people know who the hell the random name just mention in my post is. Think of each thread as a completely new people are reading it. You don?t have to do complete summaries of your history but give us a little piece so we know how or why what your writing about is significant.

Kinda hard, as it's kinda of a big story.

Ok actual points:

You referred to your character as ?the teenager? for the entire first post then switch to using just ?Toma? for the end of the second post. Try and vary it up more, throw in Saiya-Jin and what not, just mix it up more.

You think of a few more names. I can't refer to him as a saiyan, because he doesn't know he is one, yet...

For this:

The salted air that caressed the wounded ground, scarred by the attacks of the dragon, lifted up into the air and rotated in the middle of the battleground.

You?re trying to fit to much into a single thought. The image you are going for is the air visibly lifting into the air, the ground is just a pass over point for the invoked image of the air. Giving equal, if not more, time and imagery to the ground distracts the reader from the central image of the salted air. When writing imagery try and stick to one per a sentence as it works more effectively then trying to picture everything at once.

Point taken.

This sentence:

Toma had no intention of fighting the non-transformer?however he had no choice.

I just didn?t like. If it was ?had had not intention? it would have worked better as it would establish past tense, but just one ?had? makes it present but the end of the sentence says he has already resigned himself to fight making it contradictory.

Actually, that's because you didn't go about it the correct way. It goes on in my head like this:

Image shifts to Toma, the narrator/inner voice speaking.

"He/I have/had no intention of fighting this non-transformer."

Image shifts to his eyes or face or something.

"...but I/he have/had no choice."




This type of scene can only be really RPed in script-style unfortunately.

If you?re looking for direction I would try to focus on one half of Toma or the other. Either lean more towards the determined fighter willing to sacrifice everything for pride, or focus more on his young unsure teenage side and write about how everyday insecurities are magnified by someone with super-human powers.

Well, this is mostly because of two things:

1. I'm kind of at the start of the storyline...

2. He doesn't know he's a saiyan and usually the determined warrior part comes out only when he fights and the saiyan pride/battle spirit comes out.





I've taken your points into account and I'll try to correct my ways... =P

Many tanks to you ...uh...thanks... to you.

[Jewtastic]

You are writing as thrid person here, as in you are telling his story, so just becuase you refer to him as a Saiya-jin doesn't mean he knows it. Youth, Teen, brute, grunt, any of those would work. Saiya-jin would work as well.

[Chase]

>.>



I'll think about it...

Also, I edited a part in. =D

[Yamu]

Image shifts to Toma, the narrator/inner voice speaking.

"He/I have/had no intention of fighting this non-transformer."

Image shifts to his eyes or face or something.

"...but I/he have/had no choice."

Why didn't you do that?

I don't want this fight! the young warrior thought but clenching his fist his eyes took on a steely gaze. "...but I have no choice."

You can break up thoughts and words so that it doesn't run together.

Usually I go with nouns for Yams like brute, pit fighter, and distinguishing characteristics to break it up like ebony eyed, veiny, overly muscular, hairless just find stuff that fits your character and other people are unlikely to use. 'The dark haired Saiya-Jin,' doesn't work because thats basically all of them.