04-12-2006, 03:13 AM
I will be posting some jokes my step mom sends me that I think are pretty damn awesome...so...yeah...
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear
the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I
cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I
was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied,
"Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new
cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it
cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four
more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
two more times and then started giggling."
_______________________
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that
she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first
applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be
beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest'
lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about
honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my
education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first
case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."
____________________________________
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was
admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She
invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in
the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and
scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter?"
-----------------------------------------
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar
opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can
have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
-----------------------------------------
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to
see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very
expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells
me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go
wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too,
brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a
fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a
Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer,"
replied the rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
------------------------------------------------------
Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a
line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit
tracks!"
The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
-----------------------------------------------------
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin
with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things
like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel
about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What
happened next?'"
--------------------------------------------------------
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to
help the students. One day during recess, she noticed a girl standing by
herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids
enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked the girl if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed that the girl was in the
same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously.
Feeling that she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you
standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"
------------------------------------------
Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in
Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants,
having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the
department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The
manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but
we've decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why you
gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"
The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but
on the one you missed."
Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo
betta dan da otter?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I
don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'
__________________________________
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness,
he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting
his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your
stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble
spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are
married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law."
--------------------------------------------------
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is! the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
!
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because e on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with.. "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s...t"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
-----------------------------------------
There is a bunch more, thought you all could use a break before I post more. ^_^
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear
the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I
cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I
was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied,
"Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new
cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it
cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four
more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
two more times and then started giggling."
_______________________
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that
she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first
applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be
beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest'
lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about
honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my
education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first
case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."
____________________________________
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was
admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She
invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in
the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and
scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter?"
-----------------------------------------
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar
opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can
have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
-----------------------------------------
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to
see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very
expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells
me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go
wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too,
brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a
fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a
Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer. "I turned to God for the answer,"
replied the rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
------------------------------------------------------
Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a
line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit
tracks!"
The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
-----------------------------------------------------
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin
with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things
like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel
about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What
happened next?'"
--------------------------------------------------------
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to
help the students. One day during recess, she noticed a girl standing by
herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids
enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked the girl if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed that the girl was in the
same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously.
Feeling that she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you
standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"
------------------------------------------
Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in
Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants,
having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the
department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The
manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but
we've decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why you
gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"
The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but
on the one you missed."
Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo
betta dan da otter?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I
don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'
__________________________________
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness,
he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting
his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your
stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble
spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are
married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law."
--------------------------------------------------
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is! the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
!
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because e on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with.. "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s...t"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
-----------------------------------------
There is a bunch more, thought you all could use a break before I post more. ^_^
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Fuck you, Photobucket.
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