Torbie

[Krillin]

You should read the Orientation Thread. It will let you know how this forum works. Once you've read it, make a roleplay and one of the Mentors will help you out.

Welcome to the RP School. =)

[Bardock]

I'm Bardock, I'll be your mentor. Since we take pride in our roleplaying here, I expect you to pay close attention and to learn from what I am teaching.

While your roleplay is a bit over 300 words, its structure is horrible. Albeit that you separate your dialogue, it is still squished together. Have another line between each sentence, like so:

Example
"Y-yes sir?"

"The prisoner is escaping. I need you to intercept at hall 14 and bring him to me at once."

"Yes sir." The assistant hurried to carry out his orders.

The commander turned to the monitor. "Nobody gets out of my prison alive..."

See how there's a space in-between each new sentence? Also do this when you change paragraphs. It will make your roleplays look much cleaner.

Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make them flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is in bold and underlined. A total comparison is down at the bottom.

Revised by Bardock
Torbie quietly made his way down the hall, making sure that nobody was following him. He couldn't let the Red Ribbon Army catch him, he heard rumors, and he knew how ruthless they could be.

As he came to a corner, Torbie noticed a camera on the other side of the hall.

Can't have that now, he thought to himself, and he shot a ki blast at it, thus destroying it.

The commander was in the monitor room, and took note of this.

"Hm, so he destroyed a hall camera but didn't bother to get rid of the one in his cell." He chuckled silently to himself. "He's making this way too easy."

He pressed a button on his console and an assistant came in shortly after.

I put spaces between dialogue and what I assumed would be new paragraphs, thus making it look much cleaner and easier to read. To differentiate thought between speech, simply put the thought in italics. You had "in this" instead of "of this" which was the correct. You don't make a note "in" something. You also forgot a period on the end of your dialogue. Don't forget the ending punctuation! Lastly, "counsel" is advice, a "console" is an electrical device.

Revised by Bardock
"Y-yes sir?"

"The prisoner is escaping. I need you to intercept at hall 14 and bring him to me at once."

"Yes sir." The assistant hurried to carry out his orders.

The commander turned to the monitor. "Nobody gets out of my prison alive..."

Torbie continued down the hall, unaware of what was waiting for him on the other end. Just as he was getting to a corner...

"Halt!"

Torbie paused for a moment. He thought he heard something. After a moment of silence he decided that is was nothing. Then once again...

"I s-said halt."

This time Torbie really did stop, as the voice said. Something was going on.

"Who's there?"

Once more, I put spaces. You can use a hyphen, but it's better if you use elipses, or three periods. You had two sentences put as one with a comma splice. Instead, you need a period and then make a completely new sentence.

Revised by Bardock
"I am. You have to come with me."

"Or?" Torbie replied. He was curious now, as he had not heard him come out.

"Or...or..." The assistant stepped out of the shadows. "Or I-I'll have to-to shoot you."

Torbie looked at him weirdly. "Well, I'm not moving out of the way." He thought about this for a second, before he said, "No wait, I meant I'm not going to not...I'm not going to listen to you! I'm escaping, so could you please..."

"Okay, I-I hav-ve no choice now." The assistant pointed his pistol at Torbie. He was ready to shoot.

"Look, you don't really want to kill me now, do you--"

But it was too late. The assistant put his finger on the trigger, looked away and...click.

Torbie slowly walked up to the assistant. "Well, I'll be going now, so... if you need me I'll be, somewhere over there." He made his way down the hall.

Again, you had two sentences put together with a comma splice, when actually there are two. You need a period to end the sentence. I'd like to point out that the dialogue is kind of confusing, when Torbie is talking to the assistant. Spell out the word "okay" instead of just the letters. Once more, you had one sentence that had to be put into two. If you're going to use a hyphen to represent someone being cut off, use two in a row. Another sentence problem after that. Put sound effects in italics as well.

Revised by Bardock
"I have direct orders to stop you bef--"

"I don't have time for this. I have some important business to get to. So if you don't mind..."

"The commander ordered me to--"

"...I'll see you later then."

"But I have to bring you to the commander."

This time Torbie just continued down the hall, ignoring him.

"Don't--I ju--" he kept trying, but to no avail. "The commander said--COME BACK HERE!!!" The assistant burst into flames, now getting Torbie's attention.

"Wait," Torbie said, "you don't have to get so angry, maybe if we could just talk things out?"

"IF YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME, I'LL JUST HAVE TO KILL YOU INSTEAD!"

"Fine then, we'll have it your way!" Torbie said as he readied himself to fight.

Anything that has a double hyphen is for when the assistant is being cut off. When Torbie is trailing off, I used an elipses (three periods). You used "now got," when it should be "now getting." You put the comma outside of the quotation marks, when it should be inside.

You have plenty of roleplaying potential. I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will help catch minor errors. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.

Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Keep going where you left off, or create a completely new situation. Your choice. We'll continue this until you're ready.





For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:

ORIGINAL
Torbie quietly made his way down the hall, making sure that nobody was following him. He couldn't let the Red Ribbon Army catch him, he heard rumors, and he knew how ruthless they could be.
As he came to a corner, Torbie noticed a camera on the other side of the hall. 'can't have that now' he thought to himself, and he shot a ki blast at it, thus destroying it.
The commander was in the monitor room, and took note in this.
"Hm, so he destroyed a hall camera but didn't bother to get rid of the one in his cell." He chuckled silently to himself. "He's making this way too easy" He pressed a button on his counsel and an assistant came in shortly after.
"Y-yes sir?"
"The prisoner is escaping. I need you to intercept at hall 14 and bring him to me at once."
"Yes sir." The assistant hurried to carry out his orders.
The commander turned to the monitor. "Nobody gets out of my prison alive..."
Torbie continued down the hall, unaware of what was waiting for him on the other end. Just as he was getting to a corner-
"Halt!"
Torbie paused for a moment, he thought he heard something. After a moment of silence he decided that is was nothing. Then once again-
"I s-said halt."
This time Torbie really did stop, as the voice said. Something was going on.
"Who's there?"
"I am. You have to come with me."
"Or?" Torbie replied, he was curious now, as he had not heard him come out.
"Or...or" The assistant stepped out of the shadows "Or I-I'll have to-to shoot you."
Torbie looked at him weirdly. "Well, I'm not moving out of the way." He thought about this for a second, before he said, "No wait, I meant I'm not going to not...
I'm not going to listen to you! I'm escaping, so could you please..."
"Ok, I-I hav-ve no choice now." The assistant pointed his pistol at Torbie, he was ready to shoot.
"Look, you don't really want to kill me now, do you-" But it was too late, the assistant put his finger on the trigger, looked away and-'click'
Torbie slowly walked up to the assistant. "Well, I'll be going now, so... if you need me I'll be, somewhere over there." He made his way down the hall.
"I have direct orders to stop you bef-"
"I don't have time for this. I have some important business to get to. So if you don't mind-"
"The commander ordered me to-"
"I'll see you later then."
"But I have to bring you to the commander." This time Torbie just continued down the hall, ignoring him.
"Don't- I ju-" he kept trying, but to no avail. "The commander said- COME BACK HERE!!!" The assistant burst into flames, now he got Torbie's attention.
"Wait", Torbie said ,"you don't have to get so angry, maybe if we could just talk things out?"
"IF YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME, I'LL JUST HAVE TO KILL YOU INSTEAD!"
"Fine then, we'll have it your way!" Torbie said as he readied himself to fight.

EDITTED
Torbie quietly made his way down the hall, making sure that nobody was following him. He couldn?t let the Red Ribbon Army catch him. He heard rumors, and he knew how ruthless they could be. As he came to a corner, Torbie noticed a camera on the other side of the hall.

Can?t have that now, he thought to himself, and he shot a ki blast at it, thus destroying it.

The commander was in the monitor room, and took note of this.

?Hmm, so he destroyed a hall camera, but didn?t bother to get rid of the one in his cell.? He chuckled silently to himself. ?He?s making this way too easy.?

He pressed a button on his console and an assistant came in shortly after.

?Y-yes sir??

?The prisoner is escaping. I need you to intercept at Hall 14 and bring him to me at once.?

?Yes sir.? The assistant hurried to carry out his orders.

The commander turned to the monitor. ?Nobody gets out of my prison alive??

Torbie continued down the hall, unaware of what was waiting for him on the other end. Just as he was getting to a corner?

?Halt!?

Torbie paused for a moment. He thought he heard something. After a moment of silence he decided that is was nothing. Then once again?

?I s-said halt.?

This time Torbie really did stop, as the voice said. Something was going on.

?Who?s there??

?I am. You have to come with me.?

?Or?? Torbie replied. He was curious now, as he had not heard him come out.

?Or?or?? The assistant stepped out of the shadows. ?Or I-I?ll have to-to shoot you.?

Torbie looked at him weirdly. ?Well, I?m not moving out of the way.? He thought about this for a second, before he said, ?No wait, I meant I?m not going to not?I?m not going to listen to you! I?m escaping, so could you please??

?Okay, I-I hav-ve no choice now.? The assistant pointed his pistol at Torbie. He was ready to shoot.

?Look, you don?t really want to kill me now, do you?? But it was too late, the assistant put his finger on the trigger, looked away and?click.

Torbie slowly walked up to the assistant. ?Well, I?ll be going now, so?if you need me I?ll be, somewhere over there.? He made his way down the hall.

?I have direct orders to stop you bef??

?I don?t have time for this. I have some important business to get to. So if you don?t mind??

?The commander ordered me to??

??I?ll see you later then.?

?But I have to bring you to the commander.?

This time Torbie just continued down the hall, ignoring him.

?Don?t?I ju?? he kept trying, but to no avail. ?The commander said?COME BACK HERE!!!? The assistant burst into flames, now getting Torbie?s attention.

?Wait,? Torbie said, ?you don?t have to get so angry, maybe if we could just talk things out??

?IF YOU WON?T LISTEN TO ME, I?LL JUST HAVE TO KILL YOU INSTEAD!?

?Fine then, we?ll have it your way!? Torbie said as he readied himself to fight.

[Bardock]

To use italics you need BBCode, which guests aren't allowed to use.

This roleplay is acceptable. There's still plenty of room for improvement, but you pass. Repost this roleplay in a join form for Torbie and somebody will make sure you're officially approved.

Congratulations, you GRADUATE!