Frieza

[Bardock]

I'll get to this tomorrow (technically later today).

[Bardock]

I'm Bardock, I'll be your mentor. Since we take pride in our roleplaying here, I expect you to pay close attention and to learn from what I am teaching.

Sorry that I've been putting this off for a while. My computer has recently not been running properly so I don't get on as often. But you've got my full attention right now. Unfortunately, until you pass this, you're not an official member, so you don't really get all the member benefits of training and stuff like that. Also, you're not allowed to roleplay anywhere until you're officially accepted. You could have been banned for it, but I'll let it slide. Let's get started.

Your roleplay is actually only 192 words, and the minimum requirement for any roleplay is at least 300. It also could use some work, because the level is basic. Since there's not much, it won't be tough to fix, but hopefully your level of quality will improve if you decide to stay here for long. Your biggest problem seems to be capitalization.

Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make them flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.

Revised by Bardock
Frieza, using his superior intellect and strength, was looking around after blowing up a city. Frieza saw one survivor. He then walked over to him.

"Death Beam!" said Frieza.

"Aaaaagghhhhh!!"

The man was dead and from out behind him the saiyan warrior Trunks appeared.

Trunks and Frieza engaged in a devastating battle. Frieza punched Trunks in the gut, and then he sent Trunks flying using his tail. Frieza transported behind Trunks and then slammed him down using his fists. Trunks went crashing to the ground. Frieza used Death Beam, and Trunks was dead.

Okay, that was all pretty cut and dry. Let's begin. Instead of using parenthesis, I just put the whole "strength and intellect" bit in the sentence using a couple of commas. Don't use parenthesis if you can help it. Next thing I did was separate one sentence into two. Notice how I separated the dialogue from the rest of the paragraph. It's cleaner and easier to read. You always need a period at the end of a sentence. Again, I separated the dialogue. You always capitalize the first letter of the first word in a sentence, which is what I did for the "aah" sound effect. I also added a couple of exclamation points on the end, because he's screaming in agony. Again, capitalize the first word in a sentence. Another thing you always capitalize is proper nouns, which in this case would be 'Trunks,' a person's name. Always capitalize a person's name! Things you don't capitalize would be words in the middle of a sentence that aren't proper nouns (people, places, stuff like that). You don't capitalize 'and' in the middle of a sentence. 'Trunks' is capitalized, and you always need the word "and" between a comma and the word 'then.' Once more, "Trunks" is capitalized. You need a period at the end of a sentence. Both 'went' and 'crashing' are not capitalized. 'Beam' is capitalized but 'was' is not.

Revised by Bardock
Goku came, and then he saw what Frieza had done to Trunks. Frieza used a Killer Ball on Goku to show his wrath. Goku was holding it back so Frieza used this time to charge up a Death Ball, but Goku sent the Killer Ball into space and used a Spirit Bomb on Frieza.

The two moves clashed and then they both blew up. Frieza took advantage of this and sent a Death Beam crashing through Goku. The land was in waste and so were Goku and Trunks. Frieza's might was too powerful and in the end he prevailed against the Z-Fighters.

You have a bunch of repeat mistakes here, but you should be able to figure them out. The only two new ones were you forgot an apostrophe in 'Frieza's' to make it possessive, and you spelled "prevailed" wrong.

Now, I'll be honest, your writing is REALLY cut and dry. I recommend you read the Roleplaying Guide for a few tips on how to make the content a little better. You could benefit from the entire thing, but you should focus on Section II: Description and Details.

I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will help catch minor errors. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done. Unfortunately, it doesn't help with capitalization, so you'll have to learn that on your own.

I'd also like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Frieza never knew Goku or Trunks or the other Z Fighters and he never killed any of them. He doesn't even have to be a rampaging warlord, but if that's what you want to make him, that's your choice.

Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Make sure you put it right here in this thread. It also has to be at least 300 words minimum. You can continue where you left off, or you can create a whole new situation, although since you killed two main characters it might just be easier making a completely different scenario.






For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:

ORIGINAL:
Frieza was looking around after (using his superior intellect and strength) blowing up a city. Frieza saw one survivor he then walked over to him. "Death Beam" said Frieza"aaaaagghhhhh" the man was dead and from out behind him the saiyan warrior trunks appeared.

Trunks And Frieza engaged in a devastating battle. Frieza punched trunks in the gut, then he sent Trunks flying using his tail. Frieza transported behind trunks and then slammed him down using his fists, Trunks Went Crashing to the ground. Frieza used Death beam, Trunks Was dead.

Goku came, then he saw what Frieza had done To Trunks And Frieza used a killer ball on Goku to show his wrath. Goku was holding it back so Frieza used this time to charge up a Death Ball, But Goku sent the killer ball into space and used a Spirit bomb onto Frieza.

The two moves clashed and then they both blew up, Frieza took advantage of this and sent a death beam crashing through Goku. The land was in waste and so were Goku and trunks. Friezas might was too powerful and in the end he provailed against the Z-Fighters.

EDITTED:
Frieza, using his superior intellect and strength, was looking around after blowing up a city. Frieza saw one survivor. He then walked over to him.

?Death Beam!? said Frieza.

?Aaaaagghhhhh!!?

The man was dead and from out behind him the saiyan warrior Trunks appeared.

Trunks and Frieza engaged in a devastating battle. Frieza punched Trunks in the gut, and then he sent Trunks flying using his tail. Frieza transported behind Trunks and then slammed him down using his fists. Trunks went crashing to the ground. Frieza used Death Beam. Trunks was dead.

Goku came, and then he saw what Frieza had done to Trunks. Frieza used a Killer Ball on Goku to show his wrath. Goku was holding it back so Frieza used this time to charge up a Death Ball, but Goku sent the Killer Ball into space and used a Spirit Bomb on Frieza.

The two moves clashed and then they both blew up. Frieza took advantage of this and sent a Death Beam crashing through Goku. The land was in waste and so were Goku and Trunks. Frieza?s might was too powerful and in the end he prevailed against the Z-Fighters.