C&C on "Take Two"

[Belle Hibiki]

Considering that I am almost done with my current quest, I thought it would be a good idea to put out a request for general comments and critiques (like I did with my "Veni Vidi Vici" spiritken thread). It might be a little late to improve upon for this particular thread, but at least I can make improvements in the future >_>

So yeah! C&C please.

Link to "Take Two"

[Ander]

Okay, I've been lazy, just because I'm intimidated by multiple posts in one thread.

I would like to comment that it was a brilliant tie-in with the changeling invasion. Way to work the RPG history to your benefit! Your character, and the way you portray him, is absolutely hilarious and innovative. You took the show character and made him your own, but still kept his roots. I would have never thought of keeping zeni (which, by the way, it's great to see he hasn't quite grasped the concept of money) inside your stomach. His manner of speaking is akin to that of someone of Cro Magnon intelligence, and yet he manages to get his point across very well.

I'm kind of curious as to know what a freak accident with soda and gasoline would be.

Originally written by Kid Buu
...Chihuahua-endorsed food poisoning.

Loved the reference.

The cow thing...? A little disturbing, but in that amusing kind of way.

Overall, it is the perfect mix of humor, suspense, and sadistic behavior. I find my eyes going wide at the depth of each character, whether they are as mundane (and I mean that as measurement of importance) as the ice cream guy ("Craterface") or as critical as the director. Sometimes you tell a little more than you show, but I will give you this: you know how to creatively spin a story. In my head, at first I was thinking, "Oh god. I just do not have the patience to read this much from one person." But I started, and I couldn't stop. Bravo. If I were staff, you would have nailed the quest after the first couple of posts. It wasn't written in Word, and I noticed a bunch of little technical mistakes, but I'm willing to overlook them because the plot was so good. I can't think of any real improvement other than my usual nitpicks, because I honestly wouldn't change a thing. What you have works.

Keep up the good work! *thumbs up*

[Belle Hibiki]

I honestly wish I hadn't written the last of that post t 2am in the morning, but what's done is done. "Take Two" is now OVAH, for anyone who wants to C&C it. Thanks to Bardock for the comments.