Cold Snap

[Aiden]

I'd like some C&C on my fist RP, hopefully i can take what whomever didn't like and improve my writing skills. Obvouisly it's "Cold Snap"

EDIT: Link, pal.

[Ander]

I'm going to essentially ignore Kilah's posts, although if he would like C&C as well, all he need do is ask.

First paragraph: you make immediate reference to the changeling invasion as having been done "two weeks ago." That seems like a short, short amount of time between an invasion and a period of peace, especially since it was done a while ago. I would have made the exact time vague, although indicate that it had occured within the recent past.

Some of your stuff doesn't make much sense. You make mention of a cap and scarf, and then it's never heard of again. Did you mean he took it off, after the weather changed? Also, when you are describing the cup of coffee, there's something about a "giant rose," but I have no idea what you mean.

I liked the way you set it up. You began right off the bat, without needing to go through the whole explanation of why you were undertaking the mission. I took this to mean it was going to get to the good stuff right away. However, something I've noticed about your writing is it's too rushed. In some cases, it can be a good thing, because you cut a lot of crap that drags down and loses the reader's attention. But I don't feel like you pay enough attention to things that require finer detail.

What I mean is your writing is cut and dry; you do the very minimum to get your point across. Sure, you mention things like time, measurement, and furniture, but those aren't the kind of details I mean. There isn't enough story. It's just 'Nappa goes and kills people' or 'Nappa meets Kilah and they team up.'

Now, on to the technical stuff.


Written in Word. Nice, but will only catch half of your mistakes.

'Korba' is the name of a changeling, hence a proper noun, and should always be capitalized, yet you never do.

Originally written by Nappa
?Yeah, I mean what?s it gonna hurt man? korba laughed.

?You son of a bitch, get out here? He screamed from outside the house.

?Ha, well my friend this is where your mission ends.? The changeling said.

FIXED:
?Yeah, I mean what?s it gonna hurt man,? Korba laughed.

?You son of a bitch, get out here!? he screamed from outside the house.

?Ha! Well, my friend this is where your mission ends,? the changeling said.

First one: you need a comma. You don't use them. At all. Use them. They're your friend. Second: you could use a comma, but I put an exclamation point because he is screaming. Third: the beginning of the sentence I changed for the hell of it, but again, you needed a comma at the end, not a period. And don't capitalize the first word after dialogue.

Now I'm going to point out something you will never do again. NEVER. Because if you do, I will kill you (slowly) with a dull pencil.

Originally written by Nappa
?Looks like you overdid it, but then again maybe not. (Remembering the bodies he?d seen at the house and where he?d met the saiya-jin)? Kilah spat somewhat unhappily.

Did you see that? Did you? Never again. You do it quite a lot, actually. To me, it is the equivalent as using asterisks (e.g., *stomps*).

Fixedededededededed
?Looks like you overdid it, but then again maybe not,? Kilah spat somewhat unhappily, remembering the bodies he?d seen at the house and where he?d met the saiya-jin.

Originally written by Nappa
These changelings of the cold empire, my former employer, are here (looks at the bodies) and they are guarding something.? The saiya-jin fighter replied his curiosity rising each time he looked at this guy.

?Hell if I know (looks around) I say we just bust in right here (stomps again).? He implied to his partner.

FIXED:
These changelings of the cold empire, my former employers, are here,? the saiya-jin fighter replied. He looked at the bodies. ?And they are guarding something,? he continued,his curiosity rising each time he looked at the guy.

?Hell if I know,? Nappa answered, looking around. ?I say we just bust in right here,? he implied to his partner, stomping again.

You also slip between past and present tense.

Originally written by Nappa
But lately as the saiya-jin has been hearing rumors of a few of the surviving members of the changelings are attempting to refreeze the earth.

That should be "had."

[Aiden]

Well I'm definatly going to take all that into sonsideration as i continue writing... 'll probably just keep this thread up as a write for a while just to remind me of my errors... Thanks alot