Rate the Roleplay Above You

[Jonathan Meer]

It was interesting, but felt overdone. You had a specific, vibrant scene in your mind, but I think you tried to write about the scene instead of allowing the scene to escape through your pencil. I know that might sound awkward and figurative, but it's the best I've got right now.

From a technical standpoint, it was a good post. I'm not the biggest fan of poetic imagery in prose, but that's just a personal opinion.

The definite thing that stuck out to me was the dialogue. It felt a little awkward and unnatural. Dialogue comes tough to some and easy to others. I don't know if this is one of your weaknesses, or if it was just this post, but if you struggle in this area, the best advice is to simply listen to people talk. Then, strip it down into what is important, and make every word count.

8/10.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post190540

[Kazuya]

Short, sweet and to the point. I like how you describe things in that post, although I can't quite put my finger on what is missing, which I am sure the next installment will make up for that.

7.5/10

Read this one, my first post in the red stallions. I liked the way I had characterized KB.You'll see what I mean ^_^ Linksies!!

[Broli]

I thought it was pretty good. I'd only make a couple of suggestions. First, make sure you sentences aren't too long. Like, you don't want to make too much action happen in a single sentence, because that gives a rushed, choppy feel to it. Let it flow. Second, pay attention to your vocabulary. Some of the words you used were just gorgeous, but they clashed with more simpler terms. For example, you had great description going at the start when talking about the scattering of colors in the sky, but the vocabulary became mundane in the following sentences when adding the rest of the detail to the colors.

Other than that, it was great. I hope you don't take any of the criticism the wrong way. You did an awesome job with imagery and organization, the works.

7/10.

Mine.

[Belle Hibiki]

I like the opening to your post, it's very good 'scene setting', laying down the 'law' as it were. This is actually prevalent throughout your post, and I like how you stay 'on message' as Broli, writing things from -his- perspective instead of someone on the outside looking in.

Unfortunately, it's almost completely scene setting, and on the second page of the thread; it doesn't really go anywhere or do anything besides reaffirming what Vegeta has already said. I know that isn't typical for your posts (that and it's a little short), but I give this post a 8/10 - good.

Mine, second post of mine on the page, please. The first is open for commentary, but I don't really feel like I worked on that one... ...Knowing my luck, it's probably the better of the two.

[Kazuya]

*quirks brow in interest* Nice! There were a few things I was unclear on, especially the ending of the first paragraph, but that just may have been a typo. Overall, 7.5/10 Great job!


This is the third installment for me in the Red Stallions quest here

[Kazuya]

You were talking to Buu, right, that has no impact on my post. If so, someone please rate mine, truely appreciated.

[Piccolo Daimoun]

I hope I reviewed the right one.

Originally Posted by Violet
"What the hell is that?" Super Buu said in the quietness that had formed between the trio.

It's not that big a deal, but if he's asking a question instead of writing 'said' you should use words like, "Questioned" or "Queried (sp?)"

I think it's also a good idea to give an adjective or adverb for every action or noun, or just something that better brings out the action.

"Shut up, will you?" He snapped.

Its always assumed that when someone snaps, they do it in anger, but maybe you could explain how they snap? Like something like this...

He snapped at Violet, baring his teeth in a rage.

One last thing I suggest to you, is to use other pronouns instead of 'She' or 'Her'. I don't know much about your character, but for someone like Gohan they would call him, "The half Saiyan", or for PD I may say, "The jade Namekian."

But I'm not saying your writing didn't have anything good about it. I liked your choice of words in most cases, as it's fairly sophisticated. I couldn't find a mistake in your grammar, and I liked how you put Violets thoughts into a lot of the actions that happened.

Overall however, I'd give it an 7.5/10. I really like your posts, however, and your entire quest is doing pretty awesome.

Trunky

[Jonathan Meer]

It (the last post in your Trunky Quest) was alright. The flow was pretty poor, keeping me from really concentrating on your writing. Beyond that, I was having a very tough time figuring out what was really going on. It felt too vague and choppy to really be enjoyable. 6/10

But hey, that?s just me. I?m a picky reader.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post196800

[Kazuya]

Not too bad, although I am not really feelin what you are trying to convey. I ike the witty dialogue, but maybe you can elaborate more on scene details and internal monologue. What is Krillin thinking? What is he really like, inside? Where the heck is he and how does he see it?

Other than that, 8/10


Moi.


EDIT: Also, of noteable mention, not my own, but, is pretty awesome and rateworthy: Bebi's SK training

[Jonathan Meer]

What I like:

1) I love the parallel here of Violet and Piccolo and the original show theme of Kid Gohan and Piccolo. Sort of the same idea. Things like that make me feel fuzzy.

2) The personality is quite evident. That's always good.

3) I got a good feel for the whole atmosphere from the details you chose.

4) It's long. That's a good thing.

Criticism:

1) The flow was rather awkward. Reviewing the scenes in my mind, some of the situations don't feel all that natural, especially this selection:

Piccolo smirked. ?I have something in mind. You still got that 1000zn note??

Violet nodded. ?Yep. Sure do. What?s it for??

?We?re making a slight change in your wardrobe.? He replied, his smirk waned.

?What do you mean, slight change in wardrobe? 1000zn can buy me a whole new wardrobe!? She exclaimed, and took the envelope from the hem of her sweats.

?It?s not for that. It?s vital to what I will be teaching you. Trust me on this, you need what I will be teaching you later.?

Taking the much bigger Namekian?s advice, she decided not to gripe anymore about it. ?Well, where to first, then??

?Capsule Corp.? And with that, burst off into the sky in a vivid green streak.

It just doesn't feel right to have Piccolo bolt off after saying "Capsule Corp." without something else. Doesn't seem to fit his personality. That's pretty much my only gripe, but it's a heavy one. 7/10

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post194831

[Alexander Trafford]

I always follow your writing when i can, Bojack, You seem to have this flow that is constant with all of your RP's. And i love how you took Bojack, a DBZ charachter, and made him into this dark kinda space pirate, cigar smokin, gritty down to earth charachter, which appeals to me. You're writing follows a flow that seems to me like a good short story, it's detailed, good vocabulary and it easy to read. Sometimes when i read RP's it's like grinding to get through, your's read well and are fun to read, very enjoyable piece here, as well as all your stuff. Keep up the good work.

OMG here.

[The Terminator]

Bad link Mino.

[Alexander Trafford]

...

[Jonathan Meer]

You used a few too many adjectives here and there, which gummed up the reading considerably. Beyond that, there were quite a few misspellings and such, which are never good things. Not too shabby, but could use some polishing. I'd say maybe a 5.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post250351

[Kaden]

So, I didn't look at where that post was when I first clicked the link, which made the beginning of your post a little confusing. Once I caught on to the whole Dojo thing, it made a lot more sense. Anyway, on to the actual rating.

That RP is what I would refer to as "fluff." Nothing happens in it. In fact, you spent 6 (estimating because of your chosen format) paragraphs to say "Krillin walked halfway down the hallway." Obviously there's room for exprapolation in your next post, but I'm not rating the one. I'm assuming that, for the most part, you're RPing the application process on your own. So having something so fluffy isn't that major a drawback since no one is relying on you for character progression. Its just lame as a reader to read through something then, at the end, stop and say "wait... nothing actually happened."

Or at least it would have been with anyone else. Seriously, the humor in your posts never fails to amaze me. Its always entertaining, doesn't feel forced and is never too over the top for your character that it breaks the writing. Trying to conjure a mental image of the Serphim standing there watching Krillin do pull-ups from a chandelier would make anyone grin. I know I did. Even without the humor, you add so much flavor to seemingly mundane passages (ie. the bit about the clumsy mantra) that you turn whatever you want into a plot device. As far as writing actually goes that's genius.

And, of course, who doesn't love capes?

7/10

EDIT:

Errr... right. My post.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...age=3&sid=

I really just wanted to post what I thought about Krillin's. I spaced the fact that I was supposed to post an RP of my own. Aaaaanyway, the most recent post by yours truely in the linked thread will be fine.

[CoolSpice]

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...16501&sid=

I thanks those few people who gave me some C&C on it before, but I wouldn't mind more so that I can realise my mistakes and problem area's and get better at them. Thanks.

[Burter Jr]

Spice, you have to rate the roleplay above you (Rad's) before someone else will rate you. Until then, you'll be skipped over

[CoolSpice]

Yeah. Sorry about that, don't know what I was thinking (not much).

Well to Raditzu:

Personaly I liked it. I found that your ability to RP a fight scene is very, very good. I also enjoyed some of your vocabulary.

When they returned to hers, they were full of such sincerity that she forgot they had been beating the proverbial shit out of each other just seconds ago.

Another thing I enjoyed was the fact that you didn't over use one certain way of addressing a character before moving on to another.

With a sudden surge of determination, 18?s arms broke free of her captor and swung forward violently. Instinctively, Raditzu jerked backwards and pushed himself away from his lover. Too slow. Even he couldn?t completely avoid the sudden assault. Small pieces of flesh dangled from the woman?s finger nails and blood ran freely from the saiyan?s right cheek. Without even thinking about it, the pure-blooded warrior?s tongue snaked across the wound, lapping at the blood, momentarily, with a sadistic grin. When he had finished the small display he spoke:

Instead of:

With a sudden surge of determination, 18?s arms broke free of Raditzu and swung forward violently. Instinctively, Raditzu jerked backwards and pushed himself away from his lover. Too slow. Even Raditzu couldn?t completely avoid the sudden assault. Small pieces of flesh dangled from the woman?s finger nails and blood ran freely from Raditzu's right cheek. Without even thinking about it, Raditzu's tongue snaked across the wound, lapping at the blood, momentarily, with a sadistic grin. When Raditzu had finished the small display he spoke:

I may be over exaggerating a bit, but it gets my point across.

I didn''t notice any gramatical errors, no spelling errors, it was very well writen, and just good all around in my opinion.

(I would have taken a bit longer on this, but i'm going somewhere soon I don't want to keep anyone waiting.)

[CoolSpice]

Good god... i'm falling apart. Sorry for the double post and for forgetting the rating.

9/10