School project.

[Veritas]

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[Aiden]

It's very detailed, and it has me interested for sure... i'd like to read ur updates whenever they may come.

[Ander]

Your PM box is full, Recoome. I only have an AIM, so if you do, PM me.

Technical stuff! Paragraph numberentence number.

- 1:2: 'back drop' is a compound word, and should be smooshed into 'backdrop.'

- 2:2: add an apostrophe to the end of 'bodies' (bodies') to make it possessive. Change the word "representations" to "manifestations." It fits better to me.

- 6:2: change the 'then' to 'than,' and the semicolon can become a regular comma. Also, although "naivety" is technically correct, using "na?vet?" is more show-offy.

- 7:1: change the 'then' to 'than.'

- 8:2: use something other than "string-like" to describe her arms.

- Substitute something for "battle" every once in a while. It's overused.


If you don't get an 'A' or something damn close to it, it'll blow my mind. Very well written. What is the main subject of your story? Your focus is very much on the storm, and not of the soldier.

[Treius]

Just plain old "skinny" would probably do well instead of "string-like".

And soot covered needs a hyphen, so it's "soot-covered". In general I like it.

Beware the return of the Grammar Nazi!

Bardock got to it first though =(