Tell me what you think

[Grandpa Gohan]

For those of you that have read my stuff here on chubbs, Im asking for you opinions on my work. I play Silver the hedgehog on FoF and Im more happy with my one post there than I am with most of my stuff on chubbs.

How well am I portraying the old guy? What do you like/dislike, ect. Just a general CnC I guess, let me have it =o

[Grandpa Gohan]

Bump + Links? I think so.

Arriving at Heartforged Keep
Forlani + Reilan Units
Fusion Visits Port Karolin
Dante and Syntech Clash First.
Fusion Re-visits Port Karolin
Fusion Meets Sazuaa
The Battle for Aztec Tower
[D][O] Hypertron Fortress

[Yamu]

I read your two posts in ?Hyperton Fortress? and giving C&C on those.

The first thing that came to my attention in your posts was your use of commas. You use them WAY to liberally, at times you shouldn?t, and then not at times you should.

The old man couldn?t really speak, he was after all, in the competition, he had taken many a life, though what did it really matter if he became a mass murder in this competition, after all, if he didn?t then he would probably be the one who ended up dieing; Something the old man didn?t want to experience for a few more years, even though he had lived his life, and didn?t mind the thought of death.

While not grammatically ?wrong? the flow is hindered by the repetitive unnecessary comma. This just flows better:

The old man couldn?t really speak he was, after all, in the competition. He had taken many a life but what did it really matter if he became a mass murderer in this competition, after all, if he didn?t then he would probably be the one who ended up dieing, something the old man didn?t want to experience for a few more years, even if he had lived his life and didn?t mind the though of death.

Use sentences to break up the writing and give the reader stop points. When we have to read an entire paragraph made into just one sentence it gets laborious.

Other then that there was no real problem with your writing, if you want a specific area to work on I would say focus on your action writing. Your putting great emotion into each post which is one of the keys to a good RP, but there is still of the matter of the action. Creating badass battles makes for awesome writing, two of my favorite action writers are Bra and Android 20, I would suggest finding a spar or saga post of one of them with a fight in it and see how they write their fight scenes.

Hope these tips helped.

[Grandpa Gohan]

Yeah. I had noticed that while re-reading it after I had posted it and was like "wtf yo." >.> I should let my stuff sit and re-read it before I post, I almost never do =(

Anyways, thanks for the advice Yamu <3