Come On. Be a Sport. Please?

[Sage]

Reticence

I'm... not sure if I'm doing so hot. I've been distracted with life issues lately. Please, I'd like some honest criticism. If you don't think it's good, say so. I won't kill you, promise.

[Kaden]

I've been a huge fan of your writing for a while and, while the quality of Reticence is definitely up to par, your execution is not. The progression of events feels rushed and, as a result, there are bits of development that are practically screaming to be embelished.

Eagerly looking forward to word on her disc, the demi saiyan rushed out the door and sprinted across the courtyard, only to be ambushed by a quartet of well-dressed men. One rushed out from behind a tall shrubbery wall and tackled her to the ground, while the other three leapt out of a black luxury car.

While I totally applaud your use of shrubbery I did a massive double-take at that passage. I was thinking "ok, cool, we're going to see what's up with the disc" and all that jazz, and then she's fighting in the next paragraph. I know you could have written out some cool scene with these men-in-black trying to sneak around the house, acting all commando, and really build up the attack on Bra. As it is its just really... blunt.

The fight scene in the first post was fine. Again, it felt a bit rushed, probably since it was being thrown in with everything else, but, again, the quality is still there. I wish the fight had been written to be a bit... darker towards the end. It seems pretty normal, just going along beating people up, and then all of a sudden she's ramming a dagger through some poor bastard's skull. Seemed a bit out of character considering the tone you had given the rest of the fight. It doesn't ruin the fight, but its a touch that I think would have added a lot, and could have been incorporated with no more than a couple of extra sentences.

The wind down at the end of the first post was great. The little text message, the exploding car, the overly dramatic "key to her past" bit: all great stuff.

Your second post did a really good job of keeping up a frantic, frenzied tone as Bra was racing to get her disc back, and the slow down for a plot dump didn't break the flow of the post. The sudden erruption back into slaughtering was a bit abrupt, but that's a very minor criticism.

Again another great wrap up. With the agents dead and Bra standing in a room full of technicians controlling a time bubble, it leaves you open to all kinds of choices.

All-in-all, I think your second post was a lot more consistent with your higher-end writing. That's taking into account the standards like word choice, and plot/character development, but also the flow from one scene to another, the tone of the post, and the themes presented for your character. The first post, while definitely good, felt pretty underdeveloped.

[Sage]

Wicked C&C Rad, thanks.

I usually dislike to bump a topic like this, but I'm really interested in what you guys think about the latest post in the same thread. I think this one finally conveys the gravity of everything that's been happening to Bra. Was it too hamfisted? Did you like it?

I'd love to hear from you guys.

[Super Buu]

I'll try and get round to C&Cing this later (which could mean anywhere from today to a month from now ... but give me some slack ). I'm definitely interested in reading up on this, since I followed Shift and your other between-saga stuff. Just poke me on AIM if I seem like I've forgotten, because I definitely want to give this a read when I've got the time (why not now? Last minute Christmas shopping, fag).

[Super Buu]

I told you! I told you I'd keep my word! XD (Thanks for bugging me) Anyway, I'm going to be very hardcore on this, because you are IMO one of the best writers on Chubbs, alongside such other gems as Kibbles, Rad and Seventeen. Just my little disclaimer.

Immediately starting to read this, the only way of rewording things I can find are really personal preference and nitpicking. The first part of this C&C is going to focus entirely on the writing itself rather than story, so bear with me (or skip it if you honestly don't care, as I know some people don't >_>) Some of my ways would only be better arguably. For example, I was halfway finished writing this before I realised I could be completely wrong:

Original:

The cyan haired princess leapt out of the vessel as the canopy opened with a hiss.

My way:

As the craft opened with a hiss, the cyan-haired princess leapt out of the canopy, landing with a soft tap on the concrete floor.

One instance of "words I'd change" would be 'sleep' in the second paragraph, as you'd used it in the line before.

I would have condensed some of the earlier paragraphs. For example:
Origanal:

Discarding her tattered clothes, the young empress climbed into the shower, turned the lever to it?s hottest setting, and opened the tap, allowing the warm spray of cleansing purity to wash over her and take away the dirt, grime, and sweat of combat.

Bra stood, idle, underneath the water for several minutes, unable to bring herself to carry on as a familiar wave of depression conquered her thoughts. She sighed, and finally, a pair of shaky hands reached up for a bar of soap and a sponge.

wtfsbver:

Discarding her tattered clothes, the young empress climbed into the shower, turned the lever to it?s hottest setting, and opened the tap, allowing the warm spray of cleansing purity to wash over her and take away the dirt, grime, and sweat of combat. She stood, idle, underneath the water for several minutes, unable to bring herself to carry on as a familiar wave of depression conquered her thoughts. Finally, after a deep sigh, a pair of shaky hands reached up for a bar of soap and a sponge.

Those minor edits (bolded) also try to eliminate referring to Bra and remain on the actions. Again, personal preference.

I also agree with Rad on the ambush thing. I think it was too abrupt - you need to give the reader some kind of cue to indicate the sudden change in pace. One moment she was strolling along, and then in the same line she's been ambushed. I would have started a new paragraph for it, perhaps accompanied with some cheesy onomatapoeiac sound effect to reflect the rush of feet.

The rest of the post prawned (it ... it was good. It owned. I'm sorry ).

Inbetween now and the next post I got confused with where the disk actually was, as I thought it'd been on Bra's possession. So I had to go search, and reading your last post on Vegeta, got up to speed. Just a little note, and probably my own fault for not following your stuff properly. =P

This sentence confused me:

The heiress phased into sight between the invader closest to the researcher, and butted heads with the man, shattering his sunglasses and sending him stumbling backward, only to receive a vicious kick to the chest which hurled him into his colleagues, bowling two of them over.

For a moment I thought it was Bra who had recieved the kick. Perhaps cut it in two after he stumbles backwards, beginning a new sentence to explain the followup attack.

The rest flew by, and I was enraptured until the end. The fight scenes were very satisfying, and kept the blood pumping. I'm dying to know what's on the disk, and that's made concrete by your brilliant execution of Bra as a character. I feel like I know her, and I can believe her due to her past and what's happened. That's what makes your writing so immersive and believable.

Keep it up!

[Sage]

Holy shit.

Thank you so much, dude.

And yeah, the ambush thing was rushed and lame. I was really distracted when I wrote that. (Only a few people know why, but, yeah, whatev)

No excuse. It coulda been better, I know that. And I actually do agree with some (rather, almost all) of the syntax issues and junk.

I appreciate your input, SB. It was a great deal more effort than you needed to do, and for that, I thank you.

Be sure to IM me if you ever ask for C&C, because I would very much like to return the favor someday.