[C&C] The Pantheon: Rise of the New Gods

[Old Zangya]

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post430169

There's my first post in the thread. C&C, please.

I tried to portray a darker Zangya, a changed Zangya, less fearless than the one portrayed when I first began writing the character. The events of the past few posts I've made have changed her, and she's now a crippled, miserable soul, filled with fear and thoughts of betrayal. She's a soul easily manipulated, if someone could reach inside and release the torture she's been trying to fight. I haven't yet placed her on a particular side of the Pantheon, I tried to be as vague as possible on that point; but I do have a side in mind for later on.

[Alexander Trafford]

I enjoyed the post, it was good. The last paragraph doesn't really seem "dark" per se, it seems more scared. But i guess fear leads to darkness, so i can see where your going with it, and i'm not gonna lie; i like it. Good writing, Good development, keep it up.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post430169

[Aero]

Solid writing Mino. I liked your word usage and your sentence structure. All of the fundamentals were down.

one thing that I wasn't particularly trilled about was the cameo of the child and his mother. It felt awkward. It was like you wanted to get your point across to the reader, but just took the wrong method of doing so. The dialogue between them was solid, I just though that the entire concept was a mistake.

That was my only problem with it. Everything else was seemingly flawless. Nice work.

Me:
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post430169

[Jesper]

Great intro. Your descriptions were adequate, and it was interesting enough to capture my attention. The only problem I saw was the one you pointed out -- the quality at the end began to fade as you got closer to finishing the post. It was like you were near the finishing line in a race and you started to slow down. Other than that, it was solid.

Mine: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post430020

[Old Zangya]

Very, very, very good, Bujin. You expressed Bujin's personality adequately, and his reaction to Amun-Ra's 'announcement' was funny. The whole post was very humorous, indeed, and the 'mirage effect' was also a good addition, though perhaps an unneccessary one. I would continue to try to use humor in your posts, as you are a person that can pull it off well.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post430474

[Aero]

You've really grown as a writer. I can remember when you were a mere novice, but now you're getting a strong grasp on the craft. I like your style. You don't over detail or under detail, at least to me. I can see Zangya's character coming together as I read your work as her. She's evolving with you. Dark feeling? I don't really grasp tones of posts well, since all posts come off as kind of serious in a dreadful way to me. Good job though, worthy of a...


7.8/10

Get the character down more and whatnot and it will increase. Skill at writing will come naturally as your write more and more. Master her.


My post:
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post430550


I'd like c&c and a rating (1-10/10) Thanks.

[Aiden]

Gokua:

i thought the opening paragraph was great. your details grabbed me right at the start. And your entrance into the battle, with the quick ki beams was pretty nice. Overall i thought it was a good post,

6.5/10

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post430570

[Jesper]

Pretty good. Better than I expected, actually. You did an adequate job of explaining the situation and most of it was detailed.

You'd do well to go deeper into your character, though. What is he feeling, and so forth. You explained what he did, but not why. I don't know, try it. It might not be your style. Overall, I'd give it a 7/10.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post431154

(You might have to read the post of mine before it to get a better feel for the situation.)

[Alexander Trafford]

I really enjoyed your post, it was a good mix of action and detail. You portrayed it well, and you could create an image with your mind pretty easily, which is always a good thing. Solid Post, Keep it up.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=40

[Dave]

I always like reading your posts, they have great detail and that certian touch that makes the reader keep reading. What I like most is how you portray evil/darkness theme in everyone of your posts, thats prolly what I like reading best. Great post, keep em coming.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=38

[Pan]

I'd like to hear all your opinions of my writing as you all overshadow me in skill. thanks ahead of time sorry too hard to type in links on psp (where is the freakin copy/paste when you need it!)

[Jewtastic]

I give you a 5/10. You have the basics down, now its time to start working on tehcniques to make your writing flow a little better. For one, don't just use the name to describe Pan. Granddaughter of Goku, Obsidian haired female, warrioress...something else other then Pan. Also, as Baron stated, try and stray from exact powerlevels. They aren't needed.

Other then that try sprucing up your writing with some colorful words. It seems a bit cut and dry.

-----------

Now its my turn. My last RP...the 1000 word one. Someone give me some feedback. I would link it, but I'm at work, and for some reason need to use a Proxy to see the boards, so the link would be linked through a proxy, not something I wish to make you guys travel through.

[Dave]

I always like reading your posts, they have great detail and that certian touch that makes the reader keep reading. What I like most is how you portray evil/darkness theme in everyone of your posts, thats prolly what I like reading best. Great post, keep em coming.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=38

>.>

[Jewtastic]

You get your main point across which is good. There just seem to be some fundemental errors but nothing a second scan over wouldn't fix. I liked how you made Piccolo immediatly make sure the girl was all right, as well as the exchange between them. I enjoyed it. I wouldn't go as far as to say I think its your best work I've read, but its no where near the worse so congrats on that.

Now do me. Either one of my last two posts

[Jewtastic]

No? I can't get C&C from anyone in the saga?

[Dave]

I'll hit you up. =)

Alright, I havent read your latest posts so I'll do the one where you were on the island fighting the mobs and destroyed the city. I really liked them they had great detail and kept me wanting to read more, like your fighting parts are phenomenal I love reading when you fight...you own. Um...I dont really see anything wrong with how you write, and I suck at giving C&C...but I tried. Just keep writing how you do. =D

[Alexander Trafford]

He didn't put up a link, but from what i've read of your writing in this Saga you're doing very well Picc, i really like the writing style, i don't know if your new or an older member returning but it seems like you've been here awhile. Good detail, but not too much to bog down the writing, it looks good, keep it up.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post433681

do me!

[Jewtastic]

Intense. No one ever goes for a shot to the pills anymore...its a rare sight indeed.

I enjoyed the gruesomeness of your post. The choking with entrails for one. Amazing. And the detail, you managed to keep it through something I manage never to accomplish to my liking. Keep up the damn fine fight scenes and you should be good to go.


http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=91

My turn.

[Aero]

Posted. Sorry for the bad quality. D: