How can I improve? Review?

[Tensen]

Hey there, I would like to hear from some of you great writers out there who are willing to help a new face to improve his writing skills.

I have made three posts today, just over 3,000 words here:
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post509081

If any of you would be so kind as to give it a read over, and give me some tips to how I can improve. Or even if you don't read it, could you give me any help on techniques to improve my writing skills.

I will be very thankful for any help

[Cain]

The number one thing you can do to improve is to read, as you've already gotten down the writing alot. As you read good fiction you'll notice similarities or dissimilarities you need to keep or fix in your roleplays.


Oh, and here's your roleplayer's manual of sorts:
http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17671

[Mal Nova]

Oh shit, I'm gonna get bashed for doing this. I know it! If I'm wrong on something, someone will correct me. Trust me/

I read the start of it, and skimmed the rest. but I think I can help you a bit...

First off... that '85%' should be typed out as 'eighty-five percent'. Always use words, not numbers.

You've got some good details, and perhaps a few places where some details are lacking, in my own opinion. Maybe try to flesh out your character and give it a bit more depth as you go along.

There were some missing punctuations in the first part and maybe one or two run on sentences that I saw. I know one of them was talking about the logs at the beginning. I'm to lazy to do all those quotes. Someone around here might do it if they want to nitpick at it.

Perhaps furthering the vocabulary other then saying only Monk or the name might also help a bit? Some people like it, but then again some people dont like to much of it(IE= Some didn't like it when I had around ten or more different things to call Retane in a single post).

Kami initially told me, when I started way back when, to try to avoid the word 'his' and 'he' by using the above mentioned advice.



My advice personally is to hook up with a person or two to RP with and such, and you can learn from them, and perhaps they can do the same from you. Also, give your character more depth as you go on and make him grow.

Never forsake your character. If he's a peaceful bastard that hates fighting, make sure that if he has to fight, that the reader knows it. In other words, don't just go from a happy go lucky bastard to an enraged psycho without a reason. Not saying that you will but yeah, it's advice.

Also, while it might be good to test other styles, as you might be better at it then your original, don't worry if your style doesn't look like anothers. You do what you're comfortable with.

But my best advice is to mmingle and be creative... and MOST of all... have fun... Lol

[Cain]

Anything under 100 needs to be spelled out. Ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven, etc.

You have good, descriptive imagery in the opening paragraph. It's:
A: Too short. 4-6 sentences is the standard.
B: A run on sentence. (Needs an extra period at some point.)
C: Sometimes a little extra editing can make a world of difference.
D: Includes a nice visual, almost textural description of the act of sweating.


Read seriously. It doesn't matter what the book is if it's good enough to get you reading those 25+ pages in a sitting. You can also read the writing on the site. Some favorites are: Ander, Anikah, Jonathan Meer, Kaden, and Sage.

[Mal Nova]

Anything under 100 needs to be spelled out. Ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven, etc.

You have good, descriptive imagery in the opening paragraph. It's:
A: Too short. 4-6 sentences is the standard.

Read seriously. It doesn't matter what the book is if it's good enough to get you reading those 25+ pages in a sitting. You can also read the writing on the site. Some favorites are: Ander, Anikah, Jonathan Meer, Kaden, and Sage.

Standard? That's not entirely true when it comes to fictional novels and writing. I just randomly picked up a book by Salvatore and of the initial first few pages I glanced at, even the opening itself, was 2 and 3 sentence paragraphs and hardly any of your 'standard' paragraphs.

The standard you're talking about is taught by schools, more so to write reports and essays.

[Jesper]

While there's not really a specific standard for such a thing, any paragraph you have should fully develop at least a single thought (the author's thought, not the character's). Kaden is as good an example as anyone. Look at an excerpt from the ending he wrote for Cain and Mal Nova's fight:

The crowd couldn’t decide whether to look away from the ring, or risk their vision trying to follow the action. The android Cain had coated the ring in a layer of ice, which shimmered in the afternoon sun. Even to the untrained eye, it was obvious that something decisive was about to happen. Maleficus stood, poised, at the edge of the ring and Cain was slowly circling towards the Namekian, his face bearing the signs of deliberation.

Whether intentional or not, Cain’s opponent was taking a big risk. Exhaling a steamy breath, the android nodded to himself and lowered his weight. Maleficus sunk lower into a defensive stance as his opponent lurched forward into a mad dash.

As his feet pounded against the icy ring, Cain threw a hand forward, lobbing a small ball of energy towards his opponent. Without skipping a step, the android then flung forward his other hand, tossing a jagged shard of ice. The ki blast was a simple feint that, hopefully, would give him enough of an opening to ring-out Maleficus.

Each paragraph is describing something different. In the first one, the writer explains the atmosphere of the fight. Notice that there's not much action, but there's enough there to keep the reader reading. The second paragraph is the beginning of the next exchange of blows, if you will. Here, Mal Nova makes the first move by attacking. This is carried into the third paragraph, but the action in detail is Cain's.

The idea here is flow. You want to keep each paragraph different so the reader knows that the post is actually going somewhere. Each of those paragraphs were linked, but different ideas and actions were described.

The best thing you can do for yourself is practice. That's how you get better at anything you'd want to do in life. Also, as others have said, reading helps too.

[Jonathan Meer]

1. 'Murder your darlings.' If there exist any paragraphs, sentences, or words in your roleplay that don't do anything, delete them. Be cutthroat.

2. Be evocative and efficient with description, not lengthy. Description should always contribute to the piece in two ways; first, enabling the reader to visualize the scene, and second, some other capacity (be it hints at the character's nature, or foreshadowing of a future event, etc).

3. Do not forsake your character. You will be tempted while roleplaying here to insert your own guiding force over your character. Do this as little as possible. If it is within your character's personality to forfeit a match due to IC (in-character) reasons, then do it, even if it means less of a reward. Do not be an overbearing parent.

[Tensen]

Hey thanks so much everyone, some great advice there. I will re-read over my next posts in word with these helpful tips at hand before posting again.

Again thanks

[Mal Nova]

Re-read? Word? What's that?

[Belle Hibiki]

http://academic.csuohio.edu/simond/courses/elos3.pdf

Page 51 down is Strunk and White's "An Approach to Style." These 21 very simple suggestions have helped me enormously when I find myself worried about the quality of my work, and I hope they help you, too.