[C&C] Juno

[Juno]

Hey. So, I'm back, and, quite hopefully, permanently.

So, I've posted two new topics in the past week, and I'm not exactly happy with them, so I'm not asking for C&C on them. They were, quite basically, my attempt to jump back into writing Juno. I'm asking for a C&C of the original (and, in my opinion, most solid) Juno, the one from FOF3, mainly, as well as Revolution and Reformation. Obviously, the new topics didn't work, so I'm sitting down now and evaluating where Juno stands, getting a grasp on where he is and where I want him to go.

I'd like some feedback, what's solid and what needs to be worked on, where I personally can improve as a writer, and where the character can improve to be more believable.

[Juno]

Here's my new and (improved?) Juno, basically the same guy but with a couple of more mature tweaks. Hopefully will become a long-running story-ish thing after Kill Town, right now just prologuing it.

"Shield" -- http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post530984

[Victoria]

Well, the first thing I saw was

“In one corner,” the announcer’s voice boomed, “We have Juno—a mysterious fighter from far off locales, and the challenger. “On the opposite end of the ring, we have the current reigning wrestling champion, the biggest guy on the block, the destroyer—give it up for the DRAGON-SLAYER!”

You added a quotation in the middle of the announcer's speech.

the hulking mass of idiot sputtered

I liked that, really good use of words.

Overall the RP was good, although it felt a bit rushed, but I imagine it was just an intro to the better stuff. I look forward to reading more.

[Juno]

Thank you for the feedback! I hate typos, personally, but I'm really lazy about proofreading, so people pointing them out just makes me want to actually check my stuff before I post it, haha! Thanks for your compliments on word choice, as well.

I'll try to get around to reading "Stolen Goods" within the next couple of days.

[Victoria]

I always re-read my Rps before I post them, it gives me a chance to remember what I just wrote and fix any mistakes.

Don't worry if you don't get around to it, my story is massive so I'm sure it's daunting to some people.

[Mr. Zhu]

the hulking mass of idiot sputtered

Shouldn't it be hulking mass of idiocy? I don't know, sounds more fluent to me.

[Juno]

So, it's official. "Blackout" (which I for some reason don't have a link to) is the next official chapter in Juno's canon story, taking place an appropriate time period following Revolution and Reformation. C&C plz?

[Juno]

I'm starting to really get a foothold on Juno again. It feels good. If anyone wants, I'd like some C&C on my Kill Town posts, and I'm too lazy to pick a specific post and use the thread in Pain Town, so yeah. I may end up going there later, but...

If anyone has any feedback, I'd love it. I definitely feel like "Age of Wyrms" is some of my best work ever, so I'd really love for someone to pick it apart, lol.

[Juno]

Now that Kill Town's over and I've taken care of some business, I'm on Namek and back into Juno's main plot: Gifts.

I'm asking for C&C from Kill Town on, please. I'll be happy to return the favor.