DA Post

[Whompt]

I've been working on my writing skills, and I'd like some advice on how to improve. Here's my latest work. Tell me whatcha think.

[Piccolo Daimoun]

I'm not very good with C&C, but I'll give it a go.

I can't really anything wrong with it, and I liked the part that made Blue go insane. One thing I could suggest is that you try and use something like a metaphor to give definition to how bored and angry Blue is, something I want to incorporate in my writing, actually.

Anywho, Blue himself is pretty cool. One thing I could suggest is to have other names for Blue...Pronouns? =/ Anyway, calling him something other then Blue and 'he' helps to spice up the writing a bit, as long as it's not overdone.

\m/ >.< \m/ Rock on! Write on! *Insert word* on!

[Yamu]

I can't tell you why but like the first three paragrpahs bothered the hell out of me. They just seemed...white bread. There was very little emotion and just seemed very 'Blue was in line. Blue didn't like the line. Line is bad.'

I really wish i could give better advice on hso to fix it...all I can really say is that I didn't like it much.

The last half I liked alot better. I think I liked how it hit something everyone feels, everybody hates lines and we all want to do what Blue does and that is just march to the front and have the balls to not let anyone tell us no.

The line:

Blue:

Blue reached out, took hold of his arm, and threw him like a wrecking ball into the rest of the line, which fell like dominoes. It?d be funny, if he wasn?t so pissed-off.

That had me laughing.

You had a better rythem at the end, things flowed better and it made for an interesting though I can't say spectacular join post.

You have the meat...tapping into something everyone feels but showing how a Z-fighter handles it, but the condiments were lacking. I would say focus on flow, read over you post paying attention to how you punctuated and see hos it pieces together in your mind.

[Whompt]

Alright. Thanks for the help, guys. I actually meant to refer to the Post Office somewhere in that, but it slipped my mind. As for the pronoun thing... well, I do my best but there's only some many things I can use for a psychopathic, red-haired human.

[Whompt]

Sorry for the double post here, but here's the latest I've done.