C&C Origins of Burter

[Yamu]

Hey. I've just gotten back on the horse and I want to see if anyone has some C&C on my posts:

http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24131

Anyone speak up, I value everyone's opinion, so if you've read them please post.

[Kaden]

I guess I'll just get right into it.

Going off of the three posts you have in The Origins of Burter, I'd definitely say that dialog is your strongest point. It all sounds natural and is accompanied by enough markers that the reader knows who's speaking, but not so many that it feels forced and cluttered.

The emotion going through your first couple of posts was awesome. It made the characters seem much more real, and you did a great job of weaving that same emotion through the dialog.

I have two suggestions for improvement. The first one sounds kinda cheesy.

Formatting. Keep in mind how the post will actually look to your reader as you're typing it. Too much white space and people skip stuff, but not enough white space and they gloss over it. Sometimes this might mean making a paragraph break where you normally wouldn't. It might seem awkward while you're typing it, but it will increase the readability of your post.

Your second reply to Origins is a great example. You're going along just fine. Maybe a little heavy on the white space at first, and then BAM! Wall of text. It totally makes sense to have written it the way you did. There's a continuous dialog throughout and, technically, it all looks correct to me. Technically, it's also painful to see it. There's great writing in there, if it's buried, people will never see it.

For reference, I would describe your first post as perfectly formatted. Your third post has a couple of fairly intimidating blocks o' font.

Surprisingly, my other suggestion is to use a bit more punctuation. In several places I found myself thinking that it would have been nice to have some clear indication of how a sentence was supposed to be read. Here's an example from the first paragraph of your third post:

The taller of the two standing at the window hated the noise, the outdated tools they were forced to use to mine the Energy Ore reminded him of how this assignment had been meant to be a punishment.

There's nothing wrong with that, it just feels a little amorphous. A couple extra pieces of punctuation gives it more structure and guides the reader.

The taller of the two, standing at the window, hated the noise; the outdated tools they were forced to use -- to mine the Energy Ore -- reminded him of how this assignment had been meant to be a punishment.

That might not be the best example, but I'm just trying to illustrate the point.

Really, in the grand scheme of things, those are two pretty minor things. You're writing is incredibly solid and, really, it's just a matter of nitpicking the couple of things I could find.

[Yamu]

Damn, lightning turnaround time! I really appreciate it and after reading it and looking at my post it really does look very...glaring, so thank you very much for the C&C. It is great to hear pros and cons.

[Juno]

Return C&C coming tomorrow morning, when I can think. =]

[Ander]

Alright, let's see if I can still do this.

First Post:

You start off very comfortably portraying the others and setting yourself up for the best possible entrance, which didn't even have to start with you. In a personal saga like this, you have to be able to appropriately use each character within their personality scope, and it takes good chemistry and is not really all that easy to do. The transition from Bra and Burter dialog to Yamu as the main focus was nice. You also break Yamu's grand return in with hilarity; I thought this post was incredibly funny with the Bra interaction. Even so, you manage to punctuate on the seriousness of the situation in the end. No real criticisms but a couple of minor grammatical nitpicks, which are hardly worth mentioning.


Second Post:

I'm going to have to agree with Rad that big blocks of text, especially blocks with dialog embedded in them, are a turn-off. Broli, brilliant writer that he was, used to do that and it would just kill me.

But again, the interaction between the characters is very natural (from what I know of them). This post is a whole lot deeper than just "What's up yo? I'm back from the dead!" and should be treated as such. You did a great job with his monologue, but there are a couple things I would have liked to see. For example:

Yamu crossed the room again and sat down on another bed forcing the metal frame to groan noisily. The Arlian Guardian was again clearly uncomfortable laying out his inner thoughts before not only Burter but Bra as well.

Yeah, you can tell me Yamu is uncomfortable, but I want you to show me he's uncomfortable. The speech shows hesitation, which sets the pace for his voice, and sure, he's walking back and forth a bunch, but give me more. Where's he looking? How's his posture (is he standing stiffly, is he slouching, is he fidgeting, etcetera). You don't have to describe everything, but give a little more detail of his physical demeanor. This, I feel, would underscore what he's trying to articulate. You can even throw in an internal thought or two, maybe a memory.

Nonetheless, it was excellent character development, and you shuffled the mood nicely with just a hint of cynicism. I love it when writers feel comfortable enough with their own characters that they can make fun of themselves or things their characters do, especially when it's not direct.


Third Post:

I'd like to point out that I like the word 'toady.' It's incredibly underused. It has nothing really to do with your post, but I felt it needed to be said.

As I keep going down, here, I notice there are a few places that could probably use a comma. I may just be a comma freak, but I like them for pauses or breaks in sentence where appropriate. Few edited examples taken from multiple posts:

Yamu crossed the room again and sat down on another bed, forcing the metal frame to groan noisily.

Taroc’s crossed his arms over his chest, each forearm completely encapsulated in a customized Battle Charger.

“The signature is familiar…” Bra murmured, forcing her male companions to look at each other in confusion as neither of them recognized the signature. “Hey…I meet people outside of you two, y’know…”

It looks better to me and makes the sentences feel less rushed. There's a tempo that goes with the words and you gotta treat it right. Also:

“I would not talk so…candidly about his majesty.” Keal said with a smile, totally confident in the protection afforded to him.

“I will talk however I please on my planet.” Taroc said with a clenched fist.

I've always been bothered about periods being used in places of commas for dialog. As far as I was taught, it's not correct. In the scope of things, it's relatively minor. Just a personal pet peeve.

As for actual content, your imagery is awesome in this one, the primary example being:

...Taroc could not fight the color of rage that filled his face at me referred to so out of hand...

The sentence itself is oddly written (perhaps you meant to put "being" in place of "me") and lumped between someone else's speech, but awesome imagery.

The NPCs of Taroc and Keal are well fleshed out. You took great care in giving them substance, even if they're just starting out. There's a little more telling than showing than I'd like, at least until towards the end, but it was good that you took the time of day to even do that. If I were you, I wouldn't show all their cards at once. Let a little bit of their background or personality hang back for later use. It's awesome to give definition to a character, but revelations come best with action or twist of plot. There's a time and a place for it. NPCs are no exception, unless they're body fodder.


Fourth Post:

Again, I'd like to emphasize how natural the characters feel, especially the dialog. They act and sound like they could be actual people, and not just some pretentious fabrication. I liked the fact that you keep the running theme of Yamu's appearance and people's perception of it (as well as his own). The guy's a walking hulk of ugly and you continue to own it. I can appreciate someone who's willing to overlook a character fault/flaw/deformity and make it work for them without wearing it out.


Overall:

Your description is excellent, and your vocabulary the right balance between educated and casual. The only exception, perhaps, is Burter using the word "jovial." I can't see him using a word like that, or anyone really, in a spoken sentence. You advance the story well and your strength is most definitely in your character interactions. The only real suggestion I would give you is to elaborate more on show versus tell by way of action. If that doesn't make sense, I can try to explain better.

All in all, thumbs ups.

[Yamu]

Thank you very much, Bardock, that was some really detailed feedback and I appreciate it. I'll definitly work on the 'showing' not 'telling' it reminds me of a line from a play called 'Urinetown': Nothing kills a play quite like too much exposition!

And, I'm pretty sure everything you mentioned about commas are grammatically correct and I was doing it wrong.

[Alura]

Got my idea down, will get it up probably tomorrow, cause tonight is KoA night for me

[Yamu]

Got my idea down, will get it up probably tomorrow, cause tonight is KoA night for me

*cries*

[Alura]

I will have one up soon. I promise. I have it laid out in my head