See'in'See

[Chase]

Could someone please give me some C&C on my new thread? I may be a bit worse from before I left, but hey...I'm up for the challange.Linksu olo


Oh yeah, not the last post, the whole thread...meaning 2 posts >.> Please.

[Ander]

You have absolutely zero build up. In certain cases, that "bam-in-your-face" stuff works, but it didn't here. We as readers have no grasp of your character yet because there is no development, and you're already throwing plot elements out into the fray.

Also, 'WTF' with you picking up where the old Toma left off? Saying he's a clone? A creation? What the heck are you doing? I have no idea where you're going with this, and I'm kind of confused as to the nature of it, because there aren't very many details surrounding your character's origin. Build up, man!

Write your roleplays in Microsoft Word if you have it.

Your plot is confusing. Your character has no depth. Create some, and spend time thinking about it.

[Chase]

I wanted to use Word, but unfortunately, my office got f'ed. And uhh...I didn't throw any plot elements except that he found out that he is a clone and Toma is now Dr. Raichi. Also I didn't pick up where Toma left off, I actually will have a totally different story for him...once I manage to make a few more posts. I wanted to say, I especially wanted C&C on my grammar, because the development stuff, I'll resolve in the next posts. I was thinking of 10 posts in which I clear up the stuff. M'kay?

[Chase]

C&C on this post please

PS. This time I'd like grammar/and plot stuff and things please.

[Ander]

Originally written by Toma
?This should do it.?, the saiyan grinned as he retracted a fist, pulling it back as much as possible.

Bardock's Revision

?This should do it,? the saiyan grinned as he retracted a fist, pulling it back as much as possible.

There is no period. The comma goes inside the quotation mark.

Originally written by Toma
?Tell me the nearest location of a city. Just look for a lot of ki signals, preferably small ones, I don?t feel like fighting.? Toma said he stopped mid-air.

Bardock's Revision

?Tell me the nearest location of a city. Just look for a lot of ki signals, preferably small ones, I don?t feel like fighting,? Toma said. He stopped mid-air.

Again, no period. It's actually a comma. Also, you needed to separate the single sentence into two after the dialogue closed out.

Originally written by Toma
?Look down, you ungrateful monkey.? The doctor said as the skull disappeared.

Bardock's Revision

?Look down, you ungrateful monkey,? the doctor said as the skull disappeared.

Once more, no period. You do not use a period unless you are starting a new sentence after the end of dialogue, which you were not. Also, 'the' isn't to be capitalized, as you do not capitalize the first word after the closing quotation mark unless it is a new sentence and not a continuation of the dialogue. Word doesn't pick up on that, because in actuality, Grammar Check is very, very stupid.

Originally written by Toma
?How may I help you?? The shop assistant said with a large, almost spooky smile.

Bardock's Revision
?How may I help you?? the shop assistant said with a large, almost spooky smile.

Same mistake as the last few times. Also, use 'asked' or 'inquired' instead of said. You overuse that word.

Since the above examples are your most common mistake, I will not list any more of them.

Do you have Raichi's permission to use his character in your roleplays? If you don't, it would be considered a common courtesy, as you have not met in character and have no otherwise reason to use him.

Also, you don't need to have an 'OOC' comment at the end of every post. It gets kind of annoying, actually.

Your plot is much better in these last two posts. You are able to flesh out Toma as the storyline progresses.

[Chase]

You know, I never actually asked him head-on if I can use him...but...I barely did. I just said that he has a grudge on Raichi...which will fade away through the plot. Also those grammar errors. I swear they were correct before I ran the Spell Check. So I guess you're right. "Word doesn't pick up on that, because in actuality, Grammar Check is very, very stupid."

I'll try to use a better Grammar Check. I know I got a modification for Word that has a better Grammar Check...somewhere...around...I wish I'll find it soon. -.-;

Oh, and the OOC comment had became a habit of mine while I was RPing as King Cold. I'll try to fix it

Thank'ye kindly for the C&C.