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[Jewtastic]

I like Boobs!
If you wouldn't mind.

[Ander]

Sorry Burt...nobody likes Karl...

There's a good sense of realism to your roleplaying. Greasy, ratty, unwashed hair is a good example.

I find it funny that Mura is a human himself, and yet can't seem to stand the "normal" things that "normal" humans do. It's something of a superiority complex to his fellow race that is highly amusing. We all love to do that.

You stay true to character, though. If there's something he doesn't have, he just takes it from somebody else, i.e. breaking and entering for a shower. In your previous roleplays, Murasaki isn't perfect (you need conflict somewhere), and this is another example of his 'ninja skills' being put to the test. He is caught slightly off guard when the family comes home. I assume he sensed that no one was home before his entry, otherwise it would feel random and convenient.

Some of your writing still feels mechanical, although you're getting better. For example:

Originally written by Murasaki
Slowly he raised his left hand to the back of his head, scratching his skull underneath his pony tail. He reached up with his fingers tugging at the rubber band that held his hair up. It dragged in his ratty hair but finally he got it free. The rubber band lay dormant within his hand but his hair still was held in its pony tailed shaped.

You explain with action, which is good, but it still feels cut and dry.

[Jewtastic]

Hey I got a few more up since the last time I got some C&C, I was wondering if anyone would care to give them a read and tell me what they think.

[Jewtastic]

*bump*


Pretty please?

[Ander]

Haha. "Blond bombshell." Who uses that phrase anymore? I mean, that went out with like, the 80's. That's great.

Vegeta-sei has its own brand of brewsky. Nice.

I'm sorry, but "Kulio" is homonymous with rapper Coolio, and hence I cannot take that name seriously.

Everything in Seattle dies at 6 too, unless you're into hooka lounges or late night rape. Must be like that everywhere else, except Vegas or something.

Other than that, there's not much I got for you. Mura had a stag night on the town. Usual bad-assery with the bottle breaking and being a hit with the ladies. It's your standard character development and plot-building. Bonus points for plot building.

[Jewtastic]

Just finished it. I kind of felt it seemed a bit rushed at the end but I don't know. Let me know what you think. And if anyone else has been reading you can give some C+C

Also, if you do I kind of want to know what you think about this last section and the whole thing in general, how it tied together, how it ended, if you thought it dragged at all, that sort of thing. Thanks hommies.

[Ander]

Oooooh. There was so much more opportunity with the computer situation for humor. The fact that you added that in was good enough. We've all been there. And we've all laughed at the misfortune of man versus computer.

You were right. The ending was rushed. It felt so anti-climatic. Mura went through all the trouble to track him down, and the kill was done in five seconds flat. Bam. Dead. He didn't even fight back. There were a few directions you could have taken to drag it out and make it more gripping. For example, expanding on Kulio's side of the story. Why would an old, fat, balding man spill secrets if he was in a horrible position to defend himself? And for that matter, why did you make him fat, old, and balding?

It tied together moderately well. There was some fluff that had little to do with Murasaki's mission, but one can consider that developing character and contributing to a sense of realism. The let-down was in the ending.