Yo, yo

[Hellfighter 17]

I'll be continually asking for C&C on my personal roleplay. Mos tof the posts will be short, but at least that'll make it easier to force yourselves to read 'em.

It starts off with The SM Dynasty.

[Jinpo]

its really good! I like your writing style.

one thing though

it's harlequin girls, not hard liquid girls! (I listen to Panic! At The Disco way too much . . .)

[Hellfighter 17]

I know. That was on purpose.

Thanks, though.

[Ander]

If you're going to request multiple C&C, I suggest you only pick the most important intervals or parts you really want it on.

Originally written by Hellfighter 17
Mouths were opening and continuing rapidly between several, but there were no sounds.

That sentence is weird. Like, it seems incomplete to me somehow. "Mouths were opening..." and "continuing rapidly between several" feel like they have parts missing.

"Raging Reijin." That's cool. I like that. "The Ragin' Reijin." Sort of like "Ragin' Cajun," but more repetitive.

Good realism, too. We all know everybody sings karaoke when they're alone, and they do it horribly. That's why they only do it when they're alone. Because they know it. Nice touch incorporating the title of the song with a relevant scene. Also, the bit leading into the drinking of the soda (or whatever it was) was great misdirection. Good job.

[Hellfighter 17]

Yes, sorry about that; slipped my mind, but I will make sure to do it for the future.

It should sound weird 'cause it is incomplete. I guess I forgot to put a word in. Thanks for pointing that out. I didn't notice that before. Alliteration, which I hate, and some other figurative langauge I forget, apparently. If I could change Reijin's title it would be that. Yea, I go karaoke, too, and I try to incorporate things that I do normally but seem weird into roleplays.

It wasn't soda, it was vodka--part of an ongoing thing about HF I've been doing. It would've been made distinct in my next roleplay, but meh. I like that the misdirection was good, it should be a recurring theme if I remember,

Thanks for all the criticism, B.

EDIT:

Originally posted by Hellfighter 17
It would've been made distinct in my next roleplay

Nevermind. =P

[Yamu]

I've always liked your work, and I think the shorter length fits you better. I really have no other critisism then what people have said above, but I'll be reading and I'll check in every couple posts with what I did and did not like.

I find my favorite stuff about your writing is that is feels real. From the raven flask to Sakura singing and dancing in her room (thats who I guess it is) I always get enraptured by the realism and the vivid mental pictures I get out of your writing.

[Hellfighter 17]

The Sakura guess is obviously correct.

As I told Krillin, I have received rejuvination to write again. I would like criticism on my latest post, as I am not trying to break into something new--writing several characters into a storyline. I would liek to know if I am doing well in this, along with two other aspects. Is it gripping? That is; does it make you want to know more? Also, how is my diction? I'm very curious about that.

Any C&C is appreciated, though.

[Hellfighter 17]

I'm planning to RP tonight, but anything?

[Aero]

For the most part that I have read of the newest post (7/21/06) it seems good. On a few occasions it gets maybe a little over descriptive and whatnot, but I like it. Can't wait to read more HF17.

[Ander]

Multiple Characters: You do it well. We get a little sneak peek at where David was before he was a bartender, and ties in with the two customers. They both feed off each other. It also makes me kind of wonder how David went from being a diamond thief in training to a bartender, which can be used as more fodder. You also add to the humor by having Darren spitting. I would have too. Shyit.

Gripping. Seventeen as a hilarious, suspicious drunk: that alone wanted me to keep reading. It had a certain Krillin-esque feel to it, which is a good thing and in no way meant as an insult.

Diction: You nerd. "Gas neon" and "alike in geometry." You're science-y. Like Twenty. Good description. Just be careful that you don't stray too far into terms that are jargon. The only problem I really had with was "stammered," which you used as a term of motion, when its definition is normally associated with speech. It was a nice reach, because it can be used as a synoynm for "stagger" or any such word. You are correct in its use, but I didn't like it. It didn't give me as much grab as, say, "sway" would have, as simple as it is.

Yamu's right. You have a good sense of realism.

By the way, what flavor of Smirnoff is in the flask? I can't remember.

[Hellfighter 17]

I'm two-point-five days late for the post, but oh, well. =P

Thanks, Gokua. Description has always been my thing to do. =\

Thanks, Bardock. I have about a dozen characters in this, so I want to give them each a rich backgorund and their own sub-plots that will hopefully add to the main storyline. I'm stil not sure how that ransition will happen for David, but you are right, there is some possible fodder there. Where did Darren spit? I totally don't remember that, and I spent about five minutes looking for it. =(

Yea, I totally wanted to make Seventeen the most awesome drunk out there. From walking upside-down to thinking he's drinking from a bird, it will have a better explanation than being wasted, but I will hint that aclohol is definitely involved with that situation. Krillin is great at humour, so I would of course take that as a compliment.

I didn't even know that it was scientific, but I'm glad it is, and I am happy to be compared to Twenty. =)

I don't think I've ever said. I want it to be one of those things that just goes unsaid, like which state the Simpson family loves in (even though theys aid it once, nobody remembers).

I also forgot to ask this: How are my flashbacks? Am I handling them alright? I've never really done it, but it will probably be a main source for character development and plot-twisting.

Oh, and I hope Sakura is as twisted as I want her to be. =)

[Old Janemba]

This one interested me because I killed you once. Your roleplays now would've won that fight back then. I'd look forward to our rematch if the power weren't so very uneven because of my unfortunate departure.

Minus a few overuse of words it's excellent.