For me

[Chase]

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...20573&sid=

Okay, so I request C&C please on the above link.

I'm trying to change styles, so tell me what you think of:

Character Development, Plot, New Style, Grammar, Comic Character, Dramatic Character, Quick changes between the two, and anything else you think I did well/could improve on.

Pleasee and Thank You.


EDIT by Bardock: Cleared

[Chase]

[Chase]

*bump*-er cars

[Super Buu]

First thing I noticed, in your second paragraph, was the very short sentences.

He looked at the gem. Grabbing it into his fist, he prepared a launch. Throwing it into the sky, he focused his energy. Tendrils of ki surrounded him. Red energy waved around him. He shot his hand towards the diamond. The fiery red energy shot from his hand, nearing the gem.

You could join up some of those sentences, making them longer. For example;

He looked at the gem, and, grabbing it into his fist, he prepared a launch. Throwing it into the sky, he focused his energy. Tendrils of ki surrounded him and red energy waved around him. He shot his hand towards the diamond. The fiery red energy shot from his hand, nearing the gem.

Just an example. Some of the word uses were also awkward, like "grabbing it into his fist, he prepared a launch", and, "he shot his hand towards the diamond." Instead of that, you might want to say "grabbing it in his hand, he prepared to throw it / launch it into the sky," and, "he thrust/threw his hand out towards the diamond." Also, try to avoid using the same word twice close together. I noticed the word 'shot' near the end twice. Very picky, but people notice things like that.

It's nice to see some more casual development, as in the fish-catching thing in your first post. But as for the main plot, I was pretty confused. Most likely it's because I haven't read any of your other stuff as Toma. I didn't really get a good grasp of his personality, but again, that might be because this is my first venture into the world of Toma.

Hope I helped you out a bit.

[Chase]

Thanks, but for now, I'm giving up on requesting C&C because no-one really answers.