I beg of you

[Ruhiel]

I believe this may be the first time (possibly second) that I have ever asked for comments or criticism in my stay here on Chubbs, but this time I really need it. For those who haven't read anything I've been writing (probably most people), I've been attempting to put together a rather large writing compilation of both sides of my character, plus an objective third person view of both sides as well. Those are known as "The Diary of a Machine," All of my regular posts up to DA '06, and a soon-to-be-written storyline that details my character watching himself and observing (due to the fact of his past self having traveled to the future thanks to the Pendulum Room).

So, what I'm asking of you all is this:

Please, just give me some feedback. Any kind of feedback. I've tried out so many different styles throughout all these works, and I think I finally found the one I liked best with my most recent post in "PR: The Pendulum Theory."

To be precise, I'd really like any kind of feedback on these two parallel storylines:

Diary of a Machine (Android 20's Perspective)
PR: The Pendulum Theory (Gero's Perspective)

Please, I'd appreciate any kind of comments. I need to know how I'm doing somehow.

[Ruhiel]

Thanks, Recoome. I really appreciate you taking the time to read these. =D

Also, just to go ahead and point this out for future reference, the first-person perspective and short posts were intentional, as they were supposed to be sort of a "recording" of Android 20's thoughts of all the events that had occurred in my character's life. Different style, some people might like it, some might not. Regardless, thanks much, Recoome.

[Jack]

Since when can we RP in first person?

[Ruhiel]

Since I got it cleared ahead of time to do so, as the roleplay was a personal "diary" of sorts for Android 20. And while it's true that Twenty IS an egotistical bastard, he wouldn't refer to himself in the third person all the time, and it really wouldn't make sense to try to 3rd person the inner thoughts of a character.

Yeah, that's kinda it. I myself didn't think it ended up too well (the diary), but it was a good way for me to add a more personal look into who Twenty is and why he is the way he is. Psychology and that stuff.

[Jack]

Originally posted by Recoome

For some strange reason, he had expected it to be more elaborate or ornate than it was. In fact, he had expected there to at least have been some form of lighting in the room.

When you say expected twice in a row, it sounds awkward. I know it has a technichal name, but I don't know it. I just know that I don't like it, and that a different word could have been used instead. Though, as my "School Project" rp shows, I too have that problem.

I disagree. He was stressing the point by reiterating. Maybe italicizing 'some' or 'least', or maybe even 'expected' itself would have made a better effect though.

I will read it and tell you what I think... may take a couple of days though.

[Ruhiel]

Originally posted by Bido

Originally posted by Recoome

For some strange reason, he had expected it to be more elaborate or ornate than it was. In fact, he had expected there to at least have been some form of lighting in the room.

When you say expected twice in a row, it sounds awkward. I know it has a technichal name, but I don't know it. I just know that I don't like it, and that a different word could have been used instead. Though, as my "School Project" rp shows, I too have that problem.

I disagree. He was stressing the point by reiterating. Maybe italicizing 'some' or 'least', or maybe even 'expected' itself would have made a better effect though.

I will read it and tell you what I think... may take a couple of days though.

Thanks, Bido. It's very much appreciated. =)

[Jack]

I'll do what I think of Diary of a Machine, then The Pendulum Theory (later), then the dynamics between the two/the story as a whole (much later). Long read, but thats how I do.

Diary of a Machine

Ok, level with me. This is obviously some obscure Hitchcock short that you just blatantly plageurised, isnt it?

Seriously, this has Hitchcock written all over it. I dont know many writers, living or dead, who can recreate the eerie suspensefulness and developing madness/obsession of Hitchcocks short stories. You like, DID THAT. Your character doesnt know what or where he is, he is formulating thoughts that are primitive and basic. Then he spots these 'creatures' (rats?) and how they interact with each other. The weakest one is ripped to shreds, and through this 20 is given a window to what kind of world he is in. The themes and elements introduced up to that point remain consistent throughout the story, and you built upon that foundation instead of shaping and changing it. The main cornerstone of your whole story has to be:

It's strange, what just happened. How those other creatures swarmed and overpowered the weaker, feebler and more docile one that had entered. Is this what this world I am in is truely like? Where only the strong survive and the weak are crushed by those above them? If so, am I weak? How will I be able to know? Or is this world actually a world where the meek rule? where the strong only attack when they know they are safe? More questions that I have no answers for yet. The coughs are coming with more intensity and frequency now. Signing off.

Theres good, bad, and ugly things about this. The good: its BRILLIANT. You summed up the entire theme of the story in one paragraph: only the strong survive. Every question asked here was pretty much answered in the latter posts, and this became 20's philosophy throughout his adventures. The bad: the perspective is pretty much ruined with a question mark. This is first person, and a fundamental rule for first person writing is to avoid asking the reader questions. It takes them out of the experience... it reminds them that they exist. The reader doesnt want to exist and weigh world views with a first person protagonist, they want to go on a joy ride. If they start to see questions, they begin to think and you lose control. Control is the most important element of first person.

The ugly: the best part wasnt done as good as it could have been done. I thought the best part was the most subtle, which was good... but it would have had a better impact if it was elaborated. When Gero coughed, you foreshadowed, you drew dynamics. But if someone didnt read far enough to get to where that stuff became poignant, then the cough was all for nothing. You left me wondering after that post what was coughing, but you missed out on a why. You could have done that with some more 'universal' details that would have added some meat and significance to that cough. That way the reader would we asking "why should I care about a stupid cough... OMGZ I hav tu REED MORE TO FIND OUT!1!!", instead of "wtf iz that thing coughing back there, hey FAMILY GUYZ ON!!!11! *runs to TV*". You have to capitalize on EVERY opportunity to express whats important. Even if its meant to be subtle, make it subtle in a 'poetic' way, or else you risk losing people early.

The beginnning was Hitchcock, the middle and end were Daniel Keyes, in the fashion of Flowers for Algernon. Your character is realising his relation to circumstances he cannot change, and his growth is becoming spiteful towards injustices and wrongs. His personality becomes less utilitarion as he faces reality. And this is where the great dynamic comes in about how Gero falls into this 'depression', obviously he hasnt learned the way you have that 'only the strong survive'. This makes the philosophy yours, that the reader agrees through as YOU see it through YOUR eyes. Thats the power of control.

There was some instances of simplistic detail, the only one I noted was:

I'm... walking? Out of that strange chamber, and into darkness.

Eh. It seemed like that should have been a big thing, doesnt it? I mean, hes there in this strange place for so long, and suddenly he gets out, but theres still darkness. You could done something with that on a philosophical level, if nothing else. But mainly it was just a little dry.

I shall close Part 1 with lmy favorite lines:

What am I blabbering about!

Well thats just fucking peachy.

King my ass, he looks like a clown.

...they are capable of kicking our combined asses up and down the planet.

And, my personal favorite:

Well this is just one jolly good mind-fuck.

xD. That was so sick.

[Ruhiel]

Bido, I love you. That was an incredibly comprehensive critique of my writing. I actually haven't read anything by Hitchcock, suprisingly enough. Or at least, I don't think I have. But now I think I'll have to, just to see what you're talking about. However, you did get me with Daniel Keyes and Flowers for Algernon. I just tried to put myself in a position where I was thinking "okay, you were just 'born,' and have a conscious mind at birth. Wtf do I think?" And then slowly develop his mind and his reasoning from there on out.

Also, yeah, those 'creatures' were rats. Rats are known to be extremely aggresive to ones that they don't recognize, and if one that doesn't have a familiar scent comes nearby, they will turn on it and rip it to pieces. I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to use that as an example of the world's cruelty.

And yes, "well this is just one jolly good mind-fuck" was one of my favorite lines too. =P

Thanks so much, man. I really appreciate it.