02-17-2009, 05:18 AM
Like I said on AIM, I love me some political backstabbing. I wanted to say that Theodore definitely seems the type, but as your posts continue, it becomes harder to get a feel for him.
I was little thrown off by Kira. While she was described as a maternal figure, an older and more practiced priestess, and someone who everyone looked up to, I think I imagined her significantly older than she actually is. Regardless, her goofiness (I think that's the word I want) is a nice compliment to Sophia's personality.
Definitely looking forward to see what Sophia and Kira's little investigation turns up. This looks like it'll be a very interesting use of mediumship.
As far as the writing goes, a couple things threw me that I wanted to point out. First of all, what's Devan's last name? Is it Baptiste or Bapiste? The first two times you use it, it's spelled "Bapsite" but later on it's "Baptiste."
The other thing was when you shifted to show Theodore opening a hidden compartment in Sophia's father's desk. Up to that point, we had been viewing everything from the perspective of Sophia. The only time that changed was when you wrote a scene from Kira's pov; even then, though, it was set up very purposefully. The shift to Theodore came out of the proverbial left field. Just throwing that out there.
Anyway, good stuff.
I was little thrown off by Kira. While she was described as a maternal figure, an older and more practiced priestess, and someone who everyone looked up to, I think I imagined her significantly older than she actually is. Regardless, her goofiness (I think that's the word I want) is a nice compliment to Sophia's personality.
Definitely looking forward to see what Sophia and Kira's little investigation turns up. This looks like it'll be a very interesting use of mediumship.
As far as the writing goes, a couple things threw me that I wanted to point out. First of all, what's Devan's last name? Is it Baptiste or Bapiste? The first two times you use it, it's spelled "Bapsite" but later on it's "Baptiste."
The other thing was when you shifted to show Theodore opening a hidden compartment in Sophia's father's desk. Up to that point, we had been viewing everything from the perspective of Sophia. The only time that changed was when you wrote a scene from Kira's pov; even then, though, it was set up very purposefully. The shift to Theodore came out of the proverbial left field. Just throwing that out there.
Anyway, good stuff.
![[Image: Kaden2.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v403/Nezumi16/Sigs/Kaden2.jpg)
"It's on my brain, driving me insane. It's on my mind, all of
the time, and if it left... I would be fine."