03-03-2009, 01:43 AM
I'm not really sure why, but I was surprised at how well your post read. Not really sure what I was expecting.
Aaaanyway, good use of punctuation. I know that sounds like kind of a lame thing to say, but you actually used a semi-colon correctly on more than one occasion. That's worth a mention, I think.
Taking a step back and looking at the entire post, you have a good flow and clearly present what you wanted to get done. Given the judge, I'd say that's a good thing. Also, it's easy to see where Juno's priorities are and what kinds of actions he'll probably be taking later on in the event.
Now, while the overall flow of the post is good, there are some sentences that just read a little awkward to me. Your third and seventh paragraphs seemed a little chunky. I guess. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe it's the word choice, maybe it's the sentence structure, but they just didn't read as easily as the rest of the post for me.
One thing I feel obliged to mention is your use of other characters. At this stage, I think it's safe to say that some people still aren't even sure about their own characters yet. Your use of Sage, for example, was... bold. I'd be interested to see what Sage has to say about it himself, if anything.
Having read your description of Juno, I was actually expecting a lot more of his thought processes to be present in your RP. You set it up so that, in his mind, your character is always playing around with the little things that people do, but there wasn't much of that in your post.
Beyond that, I don't have a whole lot else to say. It was definitely a solid post. I guess my only suggestion would be to take a minute every couple paragraphs and read aloud what you just wrote. That would probably take care of any sentence-flow issues you have. Or maybe not. For all I know, everything sounded perfect to you.
I really hate giving numerical ratings on posts -- I don't think they're actually helpful -- but since you requested one, I'll rate you on how willing I would be to pay for your post: 4/10.
EDIT: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=5
That's actually my only RP in FoF thus far. Obviously, I tried to include things that people wouldn't know if they hadn't read any of my other stuff as Kaden.
If you want to include some kind of numerical rating, knock yourself out. I really don't care. I'm mostly just interested in the critique.
Aaaanyway, good use of punctuation. I know that sounds like kind of a lame thing to say, but you actually used a semi-colon correctly on more than one occasion. That's worth a mention, I think.
Taking a step back and looking at the entire post, you have a good flow and clearly present what you wanted to get done. Given the judge, I'd say that's a good thing. Also, it's easy to see where Juno's priorities are and what kinds of actions he'll probably be taking later on in the event.
Now, while the overall flow of the post is good, there are some sentences that just read a little awkward to me. Your third and seventh paragraphs seemed a little chunky. I guess. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe it's the word choice, maybe it's the sentence structure, but they just didn't read as easily as the rest of the post for me.
One thing I feel obliged to mention is your use of other characters. At this stage, I think it's safe to say that some people still aren't even sure about their own characters yet. Your use of Sage, for example, was... bold. I'd be interested to see what Sage has to say about it himself, if anything.
Having read your description of Juno, I was actually expecting a lot more of his thought processes to be present in your RP. You set it up so that, in his mind, your character is always playing around with the little things that people do, but there wasn't much of that in your post.
Beyond that, I don't have a whole lot else to say. It was definitely a solid post. I guess my only suggestion would be to take a minute every couple paragraphs and read aloud what you just wrote. That would probably take care of any sentence-flow issues you have. Or maybe not. For all I know, everything sounded perfect to you.
I really hate giving numerical ratings on posts -- I don't think they're actually helpful -- but since you requested one, I'll rate you on how willing I would be to pay for your post: 4/10.
EDIT: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=5
That's actually my only RP in FoF thus far. Obviously, I tried to include things that people wouldn't know if they hadn't read any of my other stuff as Kaden.
If you want to include some kind of numerical rating, knock yourself out. I really don't care. I'm mostly just interested in the critique.
![[Image: Kaden2.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v403/Nezumi16/Sigs/Kaden2.jpg)
"It's on my brain, driving me insane. It's on my mind, all of
the time, and if it left... I would be fine."