Friend or Foe 3 C&C

[Kaden]

That you're known as being a very solid writer is no mistake. The fight scene in that post is fairly short and sweet, and made all the more interesting by the sprinkles of Rose's "dual" nature throughout. The whole "monster within" mechanic can be very entertaining if done right and if you continue to use as you did in that post... well, I'd call that "right."

You use short, simple sentences with great efficiency. They give a certain amount of punch, mix up the flavor of the post without disrupting the flow, and create emphasis without having to go to too much trouble. My only word of warning is to be careful about over-using them. A sentence like "But the noise had stopped" effectively creates atmosphere the way you use it, but I know some people just get hung up on starting a sentence with "but." Overuse also dulls the punch.

Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot I can say without being nitpicky, so that's probably what the rest of this is going to sound like.

On the whole, your word choice is excellent. There were a handful of choices that broke the flow for me a bit, though.

"She grit her teeth" was one of them. After reading that, I spent more time wondering whether or not I would have used "grit" or "gritted" in a post written in the past-tense.

"the remaining two creates were undeterred" was another awkward one for me. The meaning is definitely clear, no doubt, but actually saying the sentence was a bit weird, especially considering the fluidity of the rest of your post.

"the columns of ki making no headway" is the last one that sounded off. Maybe it's just because I've been using Excel too much lately, but I definitely associated column with a vertical structure of some sort, but knew the beams were being launch horizontally. It just made for an awkward image in my mind.

Like I said, pretty nit-picky. Flow, word choice, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure are all solid. You seem to have a very good grasp of your character and her mannerisms, even if that's not the actual case -- I haven't read more than a couple of your posts with Rose. I usually have a problem with "paragraphs" that are only a couple lines long, but you managed to make it work for your post. It was engaging and entertaining, but in a light, fun kind of way.

Hopefully that was helpful.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=5

That's for me. Sorry it's such a long post, but what I'm curious about is whether or not the length was detrimental to the quality of the post or not.

EDIT: If there was something you were hoping to get feedback on, that I didn't touch, feel free to PM me or just reply here.