08-03-2009, 08:01 PM
Your passion for your character is apparent throughout the roleplay, which I find kind of inspiring in a way. It's easy to tell that you have a plan for Vad, and although the direction you take him can be transparent at times, you manage to keep your readers entertained at every turn. I'm glad you made an NPC that actually has relevance to your character and didn't just make one and ditch it in the same thread it debuted in. Vad loves Trixie, and she's been there every step of the way.
I...uh...well, I'm glad you didn't overstep some boundaries with Vad's relationship with his wife as you did in other roleplays I've seen you in. I mean...I know Vad has a pretty primal relationship with Trixie, and you got more graphic than you had to when describing the acts of lust between the two characters. You didn't do that much here, and I think you benefited from it in some ways. In the future, keep in mind that subtlety will ultimately win over a larger audience.
Writing-wise, it isn't perfect. I think that you have some grasp over grammar, but you either don't care or you don't proofread. Your grammar gets better as you go along in this thread, but the first few posts are spotted with mistakes (some sentences don't end with any punctuation, and some sentences that should be separated with commas aren't). You would do well to read over your posts thoroughly until you get enough forethought and experience to cut down most of the mistakes while you're typing them.
Although it's not nearly as important, there's an aesthetic aspect to posting on forums, too. This is the one time I'll tell you to deviate from when you would write an essay or even for a novel. You've probably noticed by now that writers here add an extra space after each paragraph; I assume it's because it makes it cleaner and easier to read. In fact, I know that you know that because you do it, too. xD But sometimes you forget to make the extra break, and the result is that a paragraph completely runs into another. Aesthetics don't matter as much as the actual writer, but it can make the difference between having someone glance over your post and someone actually reading it.
You have some talent, and it'll only continue to grow if you work at it, just like anything else. So bottom line is that while it isn't perfect, it's still good enough to garner an authentic Sophia thumbs-up. You'll, uh...just have to imagine it.
I...uh...well, I'm glad you didn't overstep some boundaries with Vad's relationship with his wife as you did in other roleplays I've seen you in. I mean...I know Vad has a pretty primal relationship with Trixie, and you got more graphic than you had to when describing the acts of lust between the two characters. You didn't do that much here, and I think you benefited from it in some ways. In the future, keep in mind that subtlety will ultimately win over a larger audience.
Writing-wise, it isn't perfect. I think that you have some grasp over grammar, but you either don't care or you don't proofread. Your grammar gets better as you go along in this thread, but the first few posts are spotted with mistakes (some sentences don't end with any punctuation, and some sentences that should be separated with commas aren't). You would do well to read over your posts thoroughly until you get enough forethought and experience to cut down most of the mistakes while you're typing them.
Although it's not nearly as important, there's an aesthetic aspect to posting on forums, too. This is the one time I'll tell you to deviate from when you would write an essay or even for a novel. You've probably noticed by now that writers here add an extra space after each paragraph; I assume it's because it makes it cleaner and easier to read. In fact, I know that you know that because you do it, too. xD But sometimes you forget to make the extra break, and the result is that a paragraph completely runs into another. Aesthetics don't matter as much as the actual writer, but it can make the difference between having someone glance over your post and someone actually reading it.
You have some talent, and it'll only continue to grow if you work at it, just like anything else. So bottom line is that while it isn't perfect, it's still good enough to garner an authentic Sophia thumbs-up. You'll, uh...just have to imagine it.