09-25-2009, 01:08 PM
A huge bit of praise to both of you before I get into the nitty-gritty.
This is a rarity for me on Chubbs, but I was actually interested in your storyline. Most people can write well, but it's not usually until sagas that people catch my eye with their ability to storytell. Shadow Play has hooked me, despite it's length. Whenever I see huge roleplays, I generally skim them probably thanks to a low attention span, but both of you post mammoth roleplays and I was always interested to see what would happen next. The fighting scene against Rock in the stormy city centre was fabulous.
Kaden:
He's a compelling character. His fledgling abilities and his doubts over himself and this whole new world he's been thrown into are great to read. Kaden had a life once, but the discovery of ki manipulation has changed everything. Most characters in roles like this are already well versed in their powers and know them inside and out. Kaden's just trying to get by.
He strikes me that although he has this altruistic trait about him, it's almost a front for involving himself in a situation he sees himself benefiting from. I don't think he does it consciously, and at the forefront of his mind he's being the chivalrous samaritan, but there's a small spark of selfishness that makes his loyalty unsure. Such as in the post where Kaden finds out what the dragonballs can do. He has a split moment where he realises that any wish could restore his lost life, which has deeply wounded him. Despite helping Belle find these balls, you leave it open that Kaden might not be the best friend in the end. It's great to see an added slice of uncertainty and unpredictability to the storyline.
Your writing style is captivating and varied. It was a great throwback when you mentioned Kaden watching the old DA or Friend or Foe where you vaguely but undeniably reference Raditzu. From a fourth wall perspective, it's entertaining to see your new character responding to the exploits of your previous.
What I envy most about your posts is your flair with combining the 'action' and 'perception' segments, as you referred to in my C&C. Even in the same paragraph, you flow seamlessly between a life threatening battle and the thought processes that run through Kaden's mind as he lines up for his next movement. That gives your writing fantastic continuity and lets the reader become further immersed in the situation.
Bad stuff? Hmm. The thing that annoyed me the most was that along side these great illustrations of Kaden's life, your grammar sometimes jarred the consistency. At first I shrugged it off because it really didn't matter, but then I noticed it a second and third time, and then I found myself focusing on the sentence rather than what was in the sentence. It's nothing that a little extra proofreading wouldn't fix, and with the monstrous lengths of each of your posts, I would imagine it's nearly a full time job to do that. Just spots like
The courier’s foot caught a piece of rebar jutting from one of the larger pieces of ceiling that had almost crushing him earlier.
and repetition of words in the same sentence were distracting. You were guilty of this mistake several times throughout your posts:
Lunging forward, Kaden thrust both his hands forward
Like I said, they're barely worth mentioning, but fixing those small blemishes would make your writing even greater.
Belle:
Another well thought out, engaging character. I haven't read much of your work in the past, and I can see why you're regarded as one of the better writers on this site.
Belle, if nothing else, is selfless. He picks up any poor, abused soul's problem and makes it his own until it's fixed. If I remember correctly, isn't Belle trying to get the dragonballs to revive everyone that died during the reign of The Construct? And he almost flipped out when Blaze eluded that the occupants of the overturned museum truck, now missing, were killed by him. Belle couldn't possibly have any personal connection with those random security officers, and yet their untimely demises was enough to enrage Belle to the point of lashing out. That's compassion right there.
It's also interesting to see that his love for all people even extends to the murderer. After the rollercoaster of emotions he endured while fighting Blaze, and full well knowing how dangerous he was unchecked, Belle didn't kill him. It's truly all encompassing and for a half saiyan martial artist who was physically abused by his father to show mercy like that is surreal. It's almost surreal to the point of unrealistic, but Belle's outward manifestations of these traits cement the believability. In a sense, I see a similarity with Orion.
He's also quirky. His fear of girls (although it hasn't featured in Shadow Play to any noticeable degree yet), his ineptitude with literacy and technology in a computer powered galaxy add plenty of extra chances for a good chuckle.
You have a diverse vocabulary. Words like "suffused" and "corona", although I didn't know their meaning beforehand, present a vibrant description of events and aesthetics. You blend these words masterfully into such descriptive phrases as "wine red eyes" and "silky shiver of rain." Tantilising imagery such as that make it hard to stop reading, if only to find out how you'll reference Belle's next minutes.
Not sure if you collaborated with Kaden about how you defeated Blaze, but I really enjoyed it. I didn't see it coming at all and I love being surprised.
Downsides? Not a lot, really. Your grammar is almost always spot on, but sometimes you overuse words. Several times you inserted "claws" in a short space, and I felt that the very inclusion of that word as an illustration seemed a little off. You used it to describe the presence of wind, and although this may be a personal perception, I don't think it blends well with the notion of moving air.
This point goes to both of you, could you try to shorten the length of your posts? Even if you make two or three posts, it breaks it up and makes it simpler to digest and reduces the chance that I'll walk over to the 360 for a self instituted break.
However, kudos to both of you. I will continue to read this story as it progresses, if only to see how it all ends and the true motives behind the elementalists' organisation. I hope I get to work with both of you in depth one day, if I find my way out of THE AFTERLIFE (hint hint.)
^_^
This is a rarity for me on Chubbs, but I was actually interested in your storyline. Most people can write well, but it's not usually until sagas that people catch my eye with their ability to storytell. Shadow Play has hooked me, despite it's length. Whenever I see huge roleplays, I generally skim them probably thanks to a low attention span, but both of you post mammoth roleplays and I was always interested to see what would happen next. The fighting scene against Rock in the stormy city centre was fabulous.
Kaden:
He's a compelling character. His fledgling abilities and his doubts over himself and this whole new world he's been thrown into are great to read. Kaden had a life once, but the discovery of ki manipulation has changed everything. Most characters in roles like this are already well versed in their powers and know them inside and out. Kaden's just trying to get by.
He strikes me that although he has this altruistic trait about him, it's almost a front for involving himself in a situation he sees himself benefiting from. I don't think he does it consciously, and at the forefront of his mind he's being the chivalrous samaritan, but there's a small spark of selfishness that makes his loyalty unsure. Such as in the post where Kaden finds out what the dragonballs can do. He has a split moment where he realises that any wish could restore his lost life, which has deeply wounded him. Despite helping Belle find these balls, you leave it open that Kaden might not be the best friend in the end. It's great to see an added slice of uncertainty and unpredictability to the storyline.
Your writing style is captivating and varied. It was a great throwback when you mentioned Kaden watching the old DA or Friend or Foe where you vaguely but undeniably reference Raditzu. From a fourth wall perspective, it's entertaining to see your new character responding to the exploits of your previous.
What I envy most about your posts is your flair with combining the 'action' and 'perception' segments, as you referred to in my C&C. Even in the same paragraph, you flow seamlessly between a life threatening battle and the thought processes that run through Kaden's mind as he lines up for his next movement. That gives your writing fantastic continuity and lets the reader become further immersed in the situation.
Bad stuff? Hmm. The thing that annoyed me the most was that along side these great illustrations of Kaden's life, your grammar sometimes jarred the consistency. At first I shrugged it off because it really didn't matter, but then I noticed it a second and third time, and then I found myself focusing on the sentence rather than what was in the sentence. It's nothing that a little extra proofreading wouldn't fix, and with the monstrous lengths of each of your posts, I would imagine it's nearly a full time job to do that. Just spots like
The courier’s foot caught a piece of rebar jutting from one of the larger pieces of ceiling that had almost crushing him earlier.
and repetition of words in the same sentence were distracting. You were guilty of this mistake several times throughout your posts:
Lunging forward, Kaden thrust both his hands forward
Like I said, they're barely worth mentioning, but fixing those small blemishes would make your writing even greater.
Belle:
Another well thought out, engaging character. I haven't read much of your work in the past, and I can see why you're regarded as one of the better writers on this site.
Belle, if nothing else, is selfless. He picks up any poor, abused soul's problem and makes it his own until it's fixed. If I remember correctly, isn't Belle trying to get the dragonballs to revive everyone that died during the reign of The Construct? And he almost flipped out when Blaze eluded that the occupants of the overturned museum truck, now missing, were killed by him. Belle couldn't possibly have any personal connection with those random security officers, and yet their untimely demises was enough to enrage Belle to the point of lashing out. That's compassion right there.
It's also interesting to see that his love for all people even extends to the murderer. After the rollercoaster of emotions he endured while fighting Blaze, and full well knowing how dangerous he was unchecked, Belle didn't kill him. It's truly all encompassing and for a half saiyan martial artist who was physically abused by his father to show mercy like that is surreal. It's almost surreal to the point of unrealistic, but Belle's outward manifestations of these traits cement the believability. In a sense, I see a similarity with Orion.
He's also quirky. His fear of girls (although it hasn't featured in Shadow Play to any noticeable degree yet), his ineptitude with literacy and technology in a computer powered galaxy add plenty of extra chances for a good chuckle.
You have a diverse vocabulary. Words like "suffused" and "corona", although I didn't know their meaning beforehand, present a vibrant description of events and aesthetics. You blend these words masterfully into such descriptive phrases as "wine red eyes" and "silky shiver of rain." Tantilising imagery such as that make it hard to stop reading, if only to find out how you'll reference Belle's next minutes.
Not sure if you collaborated with Kaden about how you defeated Blaze, but I really enjoyed it. I didn't see it coming at all and I love being surprised.
Downsides? Not a lot, really. Your grammar is almost always spot on, but sometimes you overuse words. Several times you inserted "claws" in a short space, and I felt that the very inclusion of that word as an illustration seemed a little off. You used it to describe the presence of wind, and although this may be a personal perception, I don't think it blends well with the notion of moving air.
This point goes to both of you, could you try to shorten the length of your posts? Even if you make two or three posts, it breaks it up and makes it simpler to digest and reduces the chance that I'll walk over to the 360 for a self instituted break.
However, kudos to both of you. I will continue to read this story as it progresses, if only to see how it all ends and the true motives behind the elementalists' organisation. I hope I get to work with both of you in depth one day, if I find my way out of THE AFTERLIFE (hint hint.)
^_^
![[Image: OrionAug11.jpg]](http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b187/captain_civic/OrionAug11.jpg)