The Prison

[Sage]

It wasn’t just the Valium, although being confronted about it did shatter any conceptions she had about having been secretive about it. She briefly wondered if Xenia knew, and hadn’t said anything. But it wasn’t like her to be silent about a problem.

But it was everything. The Valium, and Xenia’s outburst, and being trapped in Kill Town, and before that, Dante’s Abyss, and before that, Friend or Foe, and knowing where Sol was, and not knowing what she would do when she found him, and-

“Shh,” a voice interrupted her thoughts while a rough hand squeezed her shoulder. What the hell was she doing, letting Ander get so close to her? He was a thief, and a hostage taker! He exemplified everything selfish and detestable in a person, and yet...

And yet, what? Did he even have any redeeming qualities?

He didn’t murder Kaden when he had the opportunity. Or Sayana. He seemed polite enough, but Sage sometimes wondered if it was genuine or not. He was a thief, right? Maybe it was all just an act.

Maybe his concern for her was all just an act...

No, that didn’t really make sense. He drove her all the way to West City. Almost all the way, anyway, before that robot butler thing kidnapped them. She couldn’t really remember the specifics of how they crashed, though. She must have been sleeping off the booze.

He kept trying to appeal to her self-confidence. ‘You’re not weak.’ ‘You don’t need that.’ ‘Why do you pretend you’re helpless?’ What the fuck do you think you know about me, you goddamn, nosey bastard?!

None of it mattered, though. No matter how much she tried to hate him - or to justify hating him - she was still crying into his shoulder, and gripping his other shoulder as tightly as she could. He wasn’t innocent, but, neither was she. At least he was honest about it.

“It’s...” she managed between sobs, as she desperately tried to calm herself back down. Finally, she was still, save for her trembling. After a moment, she picked her head up off the fabric covering Ander’s shoulder, which was now quite embarrassingly soaked through, and looked up at the man who had confronted her. Glassy, red-rimmed eyes met clear blue ones. She sniffled. “It’s true.”

Ander simply sat in silence, waiting for Sage to continue, but, she didn’t. After the situation finally got awkward enough, he finally sighed. “What’s true?”

“The- the, um... pills. They’re ruining me,” she admitted, her voice hardly above a murmur. Her forehead fell back against Ander’s shoulder. “But... God... I can’t do this anymore...” Sage pulled away from Ander and wrapped her arms around her knees as she drew them into her chest. “I just- don’t- can’t- ...quit.”

“Of course you can qui-”

“No,” she cut him off, emphatically shaking her head before burying her face back in her knees. “If I cut it out, I c-could go crazy. Just... just look at me now. And I’m... only off of it for a couple of days. I can’t- I can’t think, I can’t focus, I don’t know how to feel-”

“But now you actually can feel,” Ander interrupted. It had been a bit of a gamble, but Sage locked eyes with him, her expression one of terrified disorientation. Her eyes drifted away for a moment as she nodded rhythmically, staring off into the distance.

“Yeah... maybe...” Sage conceded. “But it’s all pain. It’s all... bad, and it feels like it’s flooding over me. All... all at once. I took pills to be... numb. It let me relax, to... to- I don’t know- to... be able to feel like I was okay, so I could focus on other stuff-”

“To distract yourself.”

“...Yeah.”

“So, you took Valium so you couldn’t feel bad,” Ander summarized. Sage didn’t respond, but she didn’t refute the claim either. “But could you ever feel good when you were high?”

The question seemed to physically jolt the girl from wherever in her mind she had slunk off to. Again, her eyes fell upon him, full of hesitation and fear. She ground her teeth for a moment. “I... don’t... know.”

It wasn’t the answer that Ander had hoped for, but it was, at least, a step in the right direction. “So why do it?”

“I told you; I use it to take the edge off. To- to- to accept the world for what it is, to be able to deal with it being a horrible place full of horrible people who do horrible things. To be able to ignore all of the pain and suffering and awful-”

“Why?” Ander interjected, before realizing how inappropriate his question must have sounded. “I mean, why does it get to you so much more than other people? Why do you think you need to feel responsible for all of those things?”

“Because it happened to me,” Sage didn’t so much say as she did growl the words. “It... kept reminding me of what happened to me. Those terrible things on the news or on the street... made me think like it would happen again. I had nightmares every night growing up. I still have nightmares. I thought... I thought it would help. It does help,” she paused for a moment. “It did help. Now,” she sighed. “I’m not so sure. But what I do know... what I do know is that... is that I feel better high than I do chasing.”

“So, that makes it okay?” Ander sternly demanded. Sage shook her head and gave him a defeated look.

“Ander, it’s not okay. You’re right, okay? I just don’t know that there’s any alternative.”

“You can quit.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Why not?”

“It just... isn’t,” Sage managed. “I’ve never even told anyone about this before. It’s... hard... to talk about. Can we please... not?”

“Sure, new subject,” Ander agreed, much to Sage’s surprise. Maybe he figured that since it was out in the open, he could pick it up again later. The girl hoped he wouldn’t. “So, what’s with the secrecy? Why did you lie about coming from Vegeta-Sei?”

“That’s...” Sage looked away, hugging her knees tighter. “That’s not something I can... I can tell... you.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s a very... dangerous question. My future - mine and my sister’s - depend on nobody finding out.”

“Why?”

“Ander,” she pleaded. Sage knew that eventually, he would press her unrelentingly, until she gave up the information, but she hoped it wouldn’t happen yet. But then, if she told him she was a princess from the future, he would probably just write her off as a crazy person and move on.

But Sage didn’t want Ander to think she was crazy.

“If I told you ‘why,’ it would be too late,” she added.

“You seriously expect me to accept that?” Ander scoffed, offering a playful smile in an attempt to lighten the somber discussion.

“No, but... I’m asking you to,” Sage replied, offering a weak smile of her own. It didn’t really shine through the heavy expression etched on her face, but Ander could see the girl was at least trying. The girl hoped he’d let it go; it was such a far-fetched story even she found it difficult to believe. But, knowing Ander...