08-14-2010, 01:35 AM
8/10
I think you do a really good job of giving your narration a voice -it's extremely consistent with how you portray Sigfried. Your writing really engages the reader. I think your first post on Jus' Cause in particular was phenomenal. Also, the general quality of your writing is superb.
Since I know you can take it, I'm going to give you some criticisms:
I wish you would wait a bit before you do some of your reveals. Be a tease! The aforementioned first post of JC awesomely left the reader guessing as to whether or not Sig actually could turn into a hawk (yes, we could meta by reading your roster, but that's no fun). I was really looking forward to being hinted at by the shapechange for a while, but it seemed like the very next post you were, like, "Welp, Sig turned into a cat. Meow!"
Same thing happened with the ominous guy in glasses. I feel like you should have let the reader wonder for a little bit longer about whether or not he was a total paranoid delusion or an actual threat. Because you do the reveals so fast, the story can get swept along too quickly. Slow down!
Another suggestion I have is to have fun with more of the shapechages! You've had some really clever ones, but the reader doesn't really get to explore the feeling of Sigfried as an animal. For instance, you used the experience of the hawk in the first post to reflect Sigfried's emotions; that was awesome. I know you're a bit cramped because you're in the saga, but that doesn't mean you can't explore a little character. He is, after all, just a college student - a lot of this stuff has to be terrifying, even if he's always been paranoid about it happening.
Welp *brushes off hands* there's my two cents.
P.S. The roommate's girlfriend sounds like an awesome person. :-P
I think you do a really good job of giving your narration a voice -it's extremely consistent with how you portray Sigfried. Your writing really engages the reader. I think your first post on Jus' Cause in particular was phenomenal. Also, the general quality of your writing is superb.
Since I know you can take it, I'm going to give you some criticisms:
I wish you would wait a bit before you do some of your reveals. Be a tease! The aforementioned first post of JC awesomely left the reader guessing as to whether or not Sig actually could turn into a hawk (yes, we could meta by reading your roster, but that's no fun). I was really looking forward to being hinted at by the shapechange for a while, but it seemed like the very next post you were, like, "Welp, Sig turned into a cat. Meow!"
Same thing happened with the ominous guy in glasses. I feel like you should have let the reader wonder for a little bit longer about whether or not he was a total paranoid delusion or an actual threat. Because you do the reveals so fast, the story can get swept along too quickly. Slow down!
Another suggestion I have is to have fun with more of the shapechages! You've had some really clever ones, but the reader doesn't really get to explore the feeling of Sigfried as an animal. For instance, you used the experience of the hawk in the first post to reflect Sigfried's emotions; that was awesome. I know you're a bit cramped because you're in the saga, but that doesn't mean you can't explore a little character. He is, after all, just a college student - a lot of this stuff has to be terrifying, even if he's always been paranoid about it happening.
Welp *brushes off hands* there's my two cents.
P.S. The roommate's girlfriend sounds like an awesome person. :-P
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
If life gives you lemons, hand them to me!
I've got a great recipe for lemon meringue pie.
If life gives you lemons, hand them to me!
I've got a great recipe for lemon meringue pie.