03-20-2011, 03:56 AM
Yay to the first BT1 fight completed! Vic said things that I was planning on saying, so this'll probably be briefer than intended.
I thought both of you did a really nice job capturing the attitude of an announcer. I know that's kind of a weird comment, but it was consistent between the two of you and it was a nice little way to make the reader feel like they were actually watching the fight. It was also humorous when the announcer would repeat something verbatim that had just been described (and handy, in case of any confusion on the part of the reader).
It also seemed like you were both able to write in the essence of each other's characters adeptly, letting each get a bit of give and take. There were a few times where I had to bounce up to see who was writing the post!
Belle:
I think your first post was your strongest. You did a nice job of setting up the scene and demonstrating the attitudes of the characters quickly. In my opinion, I think the second post lost a lot with the breast scene. I had to reread it a few times because I had no clue what was happening - it felt like you were skipping over lines of action/description. I'm still a little confused by some details. I mean, I get the gist, but I felt it took too much away from the rhythm of the fight and it seemed a little rushed. I think you have the skill to integrate that kind of scene better. Other than that, I really enjoyed your writing.
Aero:
I felt your second post was your strongest. The first one was okay, but you really stepped it up for your second post. You have kind of a casual tone in your writing that really works with the way you portray Aero - it makes your posts feel really consistent. I agree with Vic about your brackets and hyphenates (which you sometimes used as a form of alternate bracket): a lot of them could have just been written into the narrative. The one exception, for me, was "Blueberry-san (that had to be the gayest alias since Goldust) balled up both of his fists." I literally laughed out loud, and it seemed more like a thought of Aero's than the author saying "Hey, picture this, okay?" I know you can integrate the bracketed imagery into the main narrative if you try - you have some really wonderful imagery in your writing already.
Hmmmm... It really is a tough pick, but think I'm going to go with Belle here.
I thought both of you did a really nice job capturing the attitude of an announcer. I know that's kind of a weird comment, but it was consistent between the two of you and it was a nice little way to make the reader feel like they were actually watching the fight. It was also humorous when the announcer would repeat something verbatim that had just been described (and handy, in case of any confusion on the part of the reader).
It also seemed like you were both able to write in the essence of each other's characters adeptly, letting each get a bit of give and take. There were a few times where I had to bounce up to see who was writing the post!
Belle:
I think your first post was your strongest. You did a nice job of setting up the scene and demonstrating the attitudes of the characters quickly. In my opinion, I think the second post lost a lot with the breast scene. I had to reread it a few times because I had no clue what was happening - it felt like you were skipping over lines of action/description. I'm still a little confused by some details. I mean, I get the gist, but I felt it took too much away from the rhythm of the fight and it seemed a little rushed. I think you have the skill to integrate that kind of scene better. Other than that, I really enjoyed your writing.
Aero:
I felt your second post was your strongest. The first one was okay, but you really stepped it up for your second post. You have kind of a casual tone in your writing that really works with the way you portray Aero - it makes your posts feel really consistent. I agree with Vic about your brackets and hyphenates (which you sometimes used as a form of alternate bracket): a lot of them could have just been written into the narrative. The one exception, for me, was "Blueberry-san (that had to be the gayest alias since Goldust) balled up both of his fists." I literally laughed out loud, and it seemed more like a thought of Aero's than the author saying "Hey, picture this, okay?" I know you can integrate the bracketed imagery into the main narrative if you try - you have some really wonderful imagery in your writing already.
Hmmmm... It really is a tough pick, but think I'm going to go with Belle here.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
If life gives you lemons, hand them to me!
I've got a great recipe for lemon meringue pie.
If life gives you lemons, hand them to me!
I've got a great recipe for lemon meringue pie.