[C&C] Vad

[Jarka]

Retribution III

Per your request, time for me to nitpick! *rolls up sleeves*

I've mentioned before how much of a noticeably stronger writer you are now than in your earlier posts as Vad, and that sentiment holds true in this thread. The storyline definitely has promise, and I can see how it will be a challenge for you to write, seeing as how you are so used to the Vad and Trixie dynamic at this point.

Grammatically, you have a strong hold of things. The biggest error I came across was your comma usage.

"Snapping his left hand into the air in front of him Vad formed a shield and charged forth"
should be
"Snapping his left hand into the air in front of him, Vad formed a shield and charged forth"

You have parallel errors to this throughout the thread. Basically, if a sentence does not start with the subject, it will likely need a comma before the subject is introduced. If you begin a sentence with "Verbing", "Verbing a noun", "Verbing adverbly", "Verbing a noun with a preposition", "Preposition with a noun", or some variant, it will need a comma before the actual start of the sentence. A lot of people go off of the "If you would pause when speaking, put a comma." but that rule can lead you astray (although it can be a handy guideline).

In a similar vein, watch for parallel sentence structure. Your writing really shines when you vary up how your sentences are written. Not every sentence needs to be super long and descriptive; a short sentence can have a lot of impact, too. Sometimes you fall into the habit of having too many "Verbing a noun, Vad verbs another noun." style sentences, and it can get too much of a repetitive rhythm. A good example of varying sentences you used (with edited in commas in bold):

Isabella looked at her mother then to Vad. With a flustered sigh, she stripped from her clothing and untied her hair. Letting the purple locks fall down her back, she placed her hands together and formed a pyramid with her fingers. Purple energy shot forth from the girl's hands and merged with the dying spirit of Vad Zulenka. Instantly and with a bright flash of light, the older woman was thrown from the bedside as the energy from her daughters merger collided with that of Vad's saiyan bloodline.

Also, when a person is speaking or thinking, if their dialogue gets broken up, you do not need to start a new paragraph.

"What!? You can't be serious!" The younger woman shrieked, withdrawing her hands from the man's wounds in disgust.

"I barely know him!"

is a bit confusing. Is Isabella still speaking? Is it her mother? You don't want the reader to have to WORK to figure things out.

"What!? You can't be serious!" The younger woman shrieked, withdrawing her hands from the man's wounds in disgust. "I barely know him!"
is grammatically correct and not confusing. Generally, only do a line break if it's a new speaker, or make it explicit that it is the same speaker.

There are some times in your writing when you'll have an exposition followed by flat description of the exposition.

"M-mother! He was married to an Imperial Blood Valkyrie!" A look of terror formed on both of the women standing before the degraded saiyan warrior.

It was true. Trixie Zulenka was of imperial descent and she possessed the rare form of Imperial Blood. Capable of mimicking the other bloodlines, she possessed untamed raw power that until recently had laid dormant. With it unleashed her father saw it fitting to return her to his side. Now Julia, Isabella's mother, and her daughter were left with the tattered shell of a once great warrior.

I feel like there's a better way to say it without essentially repeating verbatim. Something like (not perfect, I know, but just throwing an example here)...

"M-mother! He was married to an Imperial Blood Valkyrie!" A look of terror formed on both of the women standing before the degraded saiyan warrior.

Vad winced. Capable of mimicking the other bloodlines, his wife possessed untamed raw power that until recently had laid dormant. With it unleashed her father saw it fitting to return her to his side. Now Julia, Isabella's mother, and her daughter were left with the tattered shell of a once great warrior.

You still get that narrative aid (what the hell does it mean to be an Imperial Blood Valkyrie?) without really telling the reader; it gets attributed to Vad in that reading. Any time you think to yourself "I need to explain this," figure out a way to tie it into the narrative instead of just doing an information dump. It will really make the demon realm (and your writing) come alive.

Off of the super nitpicks, you really do have a great handle on Vad and this storyline is shaping up to be really interesting. I appreciate that you're maintaining Trixie's perspective as well (I was somewhat worried from the first post that it was just going to be like, "LOL WUT A BITCH" and then be done with her). That kind of tension and personal confusion in her motives make her feel like a really fleshed out character instead of somebody who just got put on a bus because you didn't feel like writing them anymore. On that note, I know you're comfortable writing as Vad and Trixie, but don't forget to flesh out Isabella (and her mother?). We haven't heard much from or about her yet. You are good at making complex, three-dimensional characters, so I look forward to seeing what you're going to do with her.