[BT1] Alexander Trafford v Shou Resolved

[Belle Hibiki]

Alex:

In my review, you mentioned that you were a bit rusty. If that's true, then I honestly hope you get knocked out of the tournament before I have to go up against you, because if this writing is you rusty ... Well, let's just say you're a top contender.

The best example I can think of is the first sentence. Ironic, funny, cleanly cut; I smiled when I first read it. Alex's 'don't give a shit', sarcastic attitude comes through in the writing, and the attention to the little details, like the way he deliberately readies himself for battle in the loosening of his tie and buttons, suggests his concern with his appearance/image/class; it's not just a knot, it's a windsor knot.

As for things you could improve, there are one or two typos, but fairly minor. You have a tendency to overstate or to leave in unnecessary language. For example:

Alexander chuckled and responded, “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.” He exhaled a bluish grey plume of smoke, and then inhaled again.

You should trim out the "and responded." The previous dialogue has already established that there's a back-and-forth; it doesn't need to be stated that Alex says something, we already know that he is. You could also cut out the last 'and,' as it serves no purpose, or even the part about him inhaling another breath entirely.

Alexander chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.” He exhaled a bluish grey plume of smoke, then inhaled again.

It just flows better, to me. These are small things, though.

Shou:

Let's start with the positive. There are few spelling errors, you use commas, and let me make it clear, there's some good shit in here and some pretty fun, creative descriptions.

Okay, now that that's done with... Your writing is inconsistent. Often confusing. While there are few spelling errors, your style is all over the place. It's hard to get a handle on the character; am I supposed to think he's comedic? Serious? Deadly? Childish? A ninja? A clown? Because they're all here.

A lot of your sentences are unrefined and don't flow. In the future, try reading a sentence out loud to yourself. If something SOUNDS wrong, chances are it's going to READ wrong, too. We read like we listen, and even if a sentence might make literal sense on the page, that doesn't mean it's good.

ex.

Shou managed, clearly and belligerently through his facial garment. It contorted when he spoke as though it were one with him, because it clearly was.

Is it clear? Because it hasn't been made clear to me. And this is from Shou's POV, right? Why the 'as though'? There shouldn't be uncertainty here at all.

Replace 'facial garment' with 'mask' and cut out the final sentence completely; it confuses more than it illuminates, and is needless to the action besides.

There is a lot of this.

“Don't bring that Kool-Aid to a man's party!” he proclaimed with authority.

When someone makes a proclamation, it's more or less assumed that it's done with authority. When was the last time anyone "proclaimed reservedly"?

Cut it.

Shou caught the all-too-familiar sensation of his knees giving way and his testicles crying bloody murder -

GOOD.

- in the dead of the night

HUH?

Why is crying bloody murder in the dead of night any different from just crying bloody murder? This just totally yanked me out of the writing.

Cut it. Ruthlessly go through your work and ask yourself when you see things like that if it really needs to be there and why. If it's part of your 'style' and you cannot bear to part with it, refine it so that it does not confuse.

Verdict: Alexander Trafford. Shou still has a ways to go before he can compete against the kind of quality Trafford was putting out.