[BT1] Alexander Trafford v Shou Resolved

[Orion]

Alex: It's been a while since I've read your material, but you did seem a little rusty to me. There are definitely things you do well, but I'd like to point out the stuff that bothered me before I get to the good stuff.

Every now and then, check what you've written. There were a few mispellings, word exclusions and some awkward placements of commas. Sometimes it helps to actually read it aloud and see how it flows, otherwise it can get a bit sticky in parts. There are parts where sentences should be shortened or the wording made more concise, eg:

"Clouds dotted the sky, but not the dark, menacing types, just the whimsical, thin wisps that were more likely remnants of former clouds than clouds in themselves."

That's far too many words to describe wispy clouds.

"Some waved flags, others flashed signs, and many simply cheered, ignoring their personal bereavement, if just for a day, in order to stand together in a moment of celebration."

I found the flow jarred a bit with so many commas in this sentence. If you took out "if just for a day," it would've been a lot better.

I also thought "The gong's deep, reverberating twang sounded" is weird. A twang to me is a discordant note like the random strum of a guitar or a coin ricocheting off something metal. I don't thing "twang" fits with a deep, resonating sound.

You also do something that I'm a major felon of as well, which is this:

"Parting the air as they careened through it, the large-caliber shells began to glow brilliantly as they carved their path towards their target"

You describe an event twice in the same sentence (the bullet flying through the air), albeit mentioning another characteristic of it. I do it so much and it really annoys me, because it doesn't read well and makes it look like previous material is being rehashed within the same sentence. I don't know how to fix it, otherwise I would've by now. :S

Now your good stuff. Trafford is an enjoyable character to read, and while he's not what I would call particularly unique (in his cocky, tough guy attitude anyway), I appreciate the way that you describe the quirks that he has, which makes him stand out. The part where you mentioned he felt naked and unprofessional without his Armani suit was rather endearing, and this sentence:

"Trafford recovered quickly and stepped back in. He launched several jabs with his left hand, which his agile opponent expertly dodged while appearing to waste little to no effort. That too frustrated Alex; the man’s movements appeared so lazy and effortless"

points to Alex's ability to read a fight, but also how he perceives it (appearing to waste little effort) and that he was irritated by the lack of effort he saw.

tl:dr; A very stable, consistent writer but the wrinkles need to be ironed out.

Shou:

Admittedly this is the first time I've read you, but I think further practice would do you some good. You have a style that is emerging, but it's hampered by some odd choices of descriptions and flow breaking, hard to decipher paragraphs. For example:

"Fabric stretched as Shou extended his leg to meet Alex's face, where he expected it to be. It whipped through air and something strange happened. Shou caught the all-too-familiar sensation of his knees giving way and his testicles crying bloody murder in the dead of the night. He also bounced across the arena with solid disregards as to his bearing but, never one to admit his fallacies, jumped to his feet and bounced on the balls of his feet (“Balls of steel!” he cried out in spite of the tears that burned his eyes). The brown-haired kid who'd introduced himself a long time ago on a planet far, far away had torn the arena upwards trying to avoid Shou's onslaught and had already prepped his gunheavy assault."

Everything after "Shou caught the all-too-familiar..." is a really hazy and imprecise description of the events that follow. I had to read this paragraph a few times before I loosely understood what happened. To me it seems like you're trying a little too hard to be creative but the choice of words really dampens the understanding. Like Belle, I also don't understand the inclusion of "in the dead of the night."

"in an explosive splash of 'Retry' menu"

Again, I can see where you're trying to achieve here, but it's not executed well. Unless you're versed in video games, that doesn't actually make much sense.

However, there are moments when your creative and logical faculties come together. "His heart skipped a beat to a discord(ant) lullaby of gunfire and shrewd determination" really leapt out at me. I also thought you had a penchant for dialogue; the exchanges between Alex and Shou were pretty entertaining and characterised Shou rather well.

tl:dr; Good writing, but somewhat dragged down by (what I perceive to be) inexperience and a little lack of refinement.

My vote goes to Trafford.