[BT1] Belle v Aero Review

[Orion]

Belle:

I've had the pleasure of reading your past work (I wrote a rather huge C&C of some of your stuff a while ago) and your skills haven't diminished at all. Technically you're very proficient, your structure and control of flow is excellent, and you manage to sneak in some humorous moments in here and there.

Your greatest strength is how effortlessly you portray Belle's character while still keeping it interesting. Eg:

"Belle wasn't sure what he'd expected. Something … more, maybe. The man was older than he was by a number of years, with wild blue hair even more disheveled than Belle's own. There was a lazy look about him, as if he were both bored and amused at the same time.

Belle hated him already."

By simply adding "Belle hated him already," we have an insight into part of his character (his judgemental aspect.) Also, the part where the announcer asks what took him so long, and he awkwardly responds with the toilet excuse is another well displayed instance of Belle's mannerisms conveyed to the audience while actually standing out and being entertaining.

There isn't much I can criticise, except your use of your NPC. Akiha is obviously from your storyline but there was no context for someone like me who hasn't been following your stuff. For starters, I know Belle is terrified of women, but Akiha is one and he seems rather natural around her. Without having to dig around, I don't know why that apparent contradiction exists. Make sure that if you're entering a community wide event and you include something like that, describe or give a quick run down as to why she's there/who she is, etc.

tl:dr; Probably one of the best fleshed out characters on the site.

Aero:

I must say I was impressed with your writing. I haven't read your stuff before but you show a lot more skill than I was expecting. Your flow and structure rivals Belle's, and that's definitely a good thing.

You have a inclination toward great description. A lot of the time your choice of words and phrasing were very effective, such as "a mixture of blood and saliva shot from his mouth, like a old westerner spitting out wad of tobacco." You find a lot of unique ways of describing events or thoughts, and while some people may hamper their writing by doing this, you obviously understand how to do this well.

I also enjoyed the ending of your last post, leaving the decision hanging on an apparent cliffhanger.

There are a few issues, mostly with overly verbose sentences. Eg:

"The Idiot (Belle hated when Akiha called him that; Aero—if in his shoes, if he wore shoes—would have called her a bitch, and mention that her old ass needed to get some dick)"

That's way too wordy for a brief allusion to Akiha.

"The announcer began the count. “1!,” he said, throwing out a single digit from his right hand—an index finger. “2!” He threw out another digit. “3!” A third. “4!” Every finger but his thumb. “5!” Threw the thumb in, and then he put all his digits back down, except for his index. “6!”"

This was also needlessly drawn out and would've served you better if you made an overall reference to the counting of fingers rather than describing them as it happened.

I also thought "(it was like a real DBZ fighting scene—Goku versus Burter)" was a little jarring. I'm not a big fan of breaking the fourth wall, and describing something like this comes off as a little bit lazy and from your previous descriptions, I thought this was also a bit redundant.

tl:dr; Accomplished writer, above average knack for/placement of descriptions, further refinement of style would make you a fantastic writer.

Another difficult choice here, but Belle just manages to edge out. I think both of you are great contenders for the wildcard match as well.