04-06-2011, 08:59 PM
Edward: The humor seemed forced at time, and perfect at others. And since humor and witty comments appear to be Edward’s primary form of communication, how much I enjoyed your posts was directly correlated to whether or not I smiled or chuckled, more or less. Technically, you’re writing is more or less flawless. I’m not a grammar stud myself, so that may not mean much, but to my eyes you write perfectly in a structural and technical sense. I saw a few grammatical errors but nothing to fret about. You varied up sentence length and paragraph length, which was one of my complaints last time. It kept my focused in on your words and I didn’t zone out at all.
On the other side of things, it seemed like you let Orsalis control, move and advance the fight. Not so much in your second post, but I felt like your first post treaded water, rather than push things forward. Orsalis basically chose the fight’s themes. In the first post Orsalis established that the fight would physically revolve around your regeneration. And in the second post, and a bit in the first, he set the tone for the more personal, emotional conflict: Orsalis’ determination and anger and Edward as the antagonist to his determination. At every turn Orsalis was pressing the fight, and Edward (the character’s here, not the writers) was there stifling his advance. As a writer, you sort of carried those themes that he set down, which is fine because it gives the fight continuity, but I didn’t think, at least in the first post, that you really added anything of your own into it, if you know what I mean.
Orsalis: You need to proofread. Grammatical errors were frequent, as well as weak sentences, both of which can be patched up with proofreading. I’m not much of a proofreader myself, so I know why you don’t, but I know that it will help this. What you should try, and this is a tip that I use myself, is rereading a paragraph after you finish it, and adjusting it then. That way you don’t have to go through the whole thing at the end, as you’ve done it as you go along. I know when I finish a post I’m like ‘fuck this, posted’. So when I do it as I go, I don’t have to deal with that. Only downside is sometimes, especially in combat scenes, it can stifle your ‘flow’, but if you have a good grasp on what you’re doing then rereading it might actually get you going even more.
Technically, you were not as good as Edward. I was surprised and impressed by your vocab, but your sentence structured and strength were not as impressive as his. Fortunately, I’m not much of a grammar nazi. Stylistically, I thought you were superior. As I read the post I was thinking that Orsalis was the protagonist, and by that I don’t mean ‘good guy,’ since Orsalis is clearly a blood thirsty sadist. I thought that, in your posts, You managed to focus on Orsalis and his internal feelings and transformation and frustration as the fight moved on, while still keeping Edward relevant. Which is awesome. There was one time where I thought that you could have done more:
“Orsalis could barely feel the heft of his chest, the only sound he was aware of was air passing through his mouth. He was alone in the darkness of defeat.
But then…”
I’m not a fan of the auto-switch. He went from done to back in like… one space. Later on you explain that, but as I read it I was like no, please, come back. A bit of introspection here would be tit, I think.
All in all your second post was superior to your first. It had more emotion, it had me leaning forward in my seat in the middle (despite the minor frustrations at your grammar).
Vote: Orsalis. This was a tough vote. I think Edward is a better writer, but Orsalis carried this fight. His posts had more emotion, they set the pace, and his style and how he handled this fight just impressed me. I laughed at parts of Edward’s posts, which was the purpose, but in parts of Orsalis’ posts I was like leaning forward, speed-reading, trying to take everything in.
But I mean, great fight all around. I hope this C&C is useful.
On the other side of things, it seemed like you let Orsalis control, move and advance the fight. Not so much in your second post, but I felt like your first post treaded water, rather than push things forward. Orsalis basically chose the fight’s themes. In the first post Orsalis established that the fight would physically revolve around your regeneration. And in the second post, and a bit in the first, he set the tone for the more personal, emotional conflict: Orsalis’ determination and anger and Edward as the antagonist to his determination. At every turn Orsalis was pressing the fight, and Edward (the character’s here, not the writers) was there stifling his advance. As a writer, you sort of carried those themes that he set down, which is fine because it gives the fight continuity, but I didn’t think, at least in the first post, that you really added anything of your own into it, if you know what I mean.
Orsalis: You need to proofread. Grammatical errors were frequent, as well as weak sentences, both of which can be patched up with proofreading. I’m not much of a proofreader myself, so I know why you don’t, but I know that it will help this. What you should try, and this is a tip that I use myself, is rereading a paragraph after you finish it, and adjusting it then. That way you don’t have to go through the whole thing at the end, as you’ve done it as you go along. I know when I finish a post I’m like ‘fuck this, posted’. So when I do it as I go, I don’t have to deal with that. Only downside is sometimes, especially in combat scenes, it can stifle your ‘flow’, but if you have a good grasp on what you’re doing then rereading it might actually get you going even more.
Technically, you were not as good as Edward. I was surprised and impressed by your vocab, but your sentence structured and strength were not as impressive as his. Fortunately, I’m not much of a grammar nazi. Stylistically, I thought you were superior. As I read the post I was thinking that Orsalis was the protagonist, and by that I don’t mean ‘good guy,’ since Orsalis is clearly a blood thirsty sadist. I thought that, in your posts, You managed to focus on Orsalis and his internal feelings and transformation and frustration as the fight moved on, while still keeping Edward relevant. Which is awesome. There was one time where I thought that you could have done more:
“Orsalis could barely feel the heft of his chest, the only sound he was aware of was air passing through his mouth. He was alone in the darkness of defeat.
But then…”
I’m not a fan of the auto-switch. He went from done to back in like… one space. Later on you explain that, but as I read it I was like no, please, come back. A bit of introspection here would be tit, I think.
All in all your second post was superior to your first. It had more emotion, it had me leaning forward in my seat in the middle (despite the minor frustrations at your grammar).
Vote: Orsalis. This was a tough vote. I think Edward is a better writer, but Orsalis carried this fight. His posts had more emotion, they set the pace, and his style and how he handled this fight just impressed me. I laughed at parts of Edward’s posts, which was the purpose, but in parts of Orsalis’ posts I was like leaning forward, speed-reading, trying to take everything in.
But I mean, great fight all around. I hope this C&C is useful.
![[Image: alext.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v234/waffuru/alext.jpg)