BT1[SF] - Belle Hibiki v Alex Trafford Review

[Jarka]

Hurngh.

Again, why couldn't one of you not post? Make things easy on everybody?

Okay. Here we go.

Both of you are grand writers and both of you wrote extremely well for this fight. Jerks. Both of you have very very very sound mechanics and overall enjoyable writing style. As a result, my commentary will be totally subjective suggestions for the both of you. lolol

Both of you: The bird? I know it's important; you both mention it; I know it died. I would have liked to know from one of you a teensy bit more about it. Just, like, one sentence more of context.

Trafford:
While I liked the exposition into Traff's history at the end of the 2nd, I think it could have been done a little bit better. It a little bit abrupt and out of left field. However, you ended that post magnificently with that line about knowing what it's like to be Traff and shooting the gun. My biggest suggestion to you, and it's totally just a matter of personal opinion, relates to your dialogue.

I think my favorite line of dialogue from your entire post is this one:

“Ah, Belle, I see that you’re still alive . . . pity.” The well-dressed teenager inhaled one last time on the cigarette and then flicked it towards his opponent. It landed harmlessly on the ground between them.

The reason for this has nothing to do with the speech. See, you have a good enough mastery, for the most part, that the reader can tell who the subject of a paragraph or the speaker of a line of dialogue is. Because you have enough skill with this, you really don't need to use speech qualifiers (said, whispered, shouted, growled, etc.). If you don't use them, you free yourself up for more awesome imagery and action, like that cigarette exchange. The only time you really need to use them is if HOW they spoke is important (it's usually not). Even then, it's often more effective to do something like this:

“Fuck . . . you . . . Belle.” Trafford's groan spattered blood across the saiyan’s face.

It makes the dialogue feel more like part of the action. You did use fewer speech qualifiers in your second post, and I felt it flowed a lot better than the first. To clarify, there's nothing wrong with using qualifiers, I just think you're good enough of a writer to not need them. To see if you like how it sounds, reopen your posts in Word and try to eliminate all speech qualifiers by integrating them into sentences or just flat out deleting them and replacing them with a line that clarifies the speaker, like the cigarette one. Or just keep it in mind as a possibility in the future.

Oh, also, your dialogue tended to start paragraphs, like:
"Words words words." His hand raised. Rest of paragraph blah blah.

Don't forget to switch things up by starting with the descriptor and ending with the dialogue (this works really well with short paragraphs, like the end of your second) or by putting an action between two spurts of dialogue, like:

"Words words." He scratched his head. "Words and words." Rest of paragraph blah blah.

He faced the man. "Words words words." Rest of paragraph blah blah.

Belle:
Definitely liked this round better than your first round. As Orsaligfried said, your paragraphs are sometimes too choppy and short. While a burst of short lines can be very effective (as in the very end of your second post), grouping them together into bigger paragraphs makes for a much more readable post due to the variety of sizes. In regards to your flashback, I definitely enjoyed it as a way to give the reader insight into Belle's history without him being like, "ORLY, Traff? I had tuff lyf 2. Here's how blahblah". I thought you made a really good decision in doing it that way. I will make one nitpick that you may choose to entirely disregard for the future. You had a 1500 word limit for these posts. At the end of the flashback, you had the mantra from Belle's father

“If you're weak, get stronger. If your edge is dull, get sharper. If you're knocked down, get back up. And if you hate, learn to forgive. You are the weapon you wield: if you strike … strike true.”

Then, at the very end of the post, you repeat this mantra verbatim (with action bits in between). I think the size of the post was way too short to do a lengthy word for word repeat like that. It would have been more effective, in my opinion, to have the flashback end with a hint to the fact that the father is about to say something sagelike without giving specifics. Then, when the post is wrapping up, have it be all "The words of Belle's father rang through his mind as it had on that blustery winter night so many years ago. 'If you're weak, get stronger'..." The verbatim works for longer posts/threads or if it's done stylistically, but I didn't think the execution was as good as it could have been because of the short nature of the posts. Just something to keep in mind in the future.

...

So, I honestly think both of you had equally strong posts. As a result, I know my vote is subjective and based off of whose writing style I personally prefer, and that is Trafford. Again, very very very very close. Like, coin flip close. Feel free to disregard my vote if need be.