04-26-2011, 02:37 PM
Alex: Post 1:There's not much I can really say aside from a few things I guess. I think you've done the entrance type post each time, and to do that and not make an entrance bland without some type of story arch this many times, at this point, is pretty awesome in my book. You kind of left us( or me as a reader) hanging, on the bird thing., and I would have liked to know more about it in my personal opinion. I do think somewhere in the post you used 'spit up' instead of 'spat' as well... And after a ';' I think the next letter is supposed to be capatilized...
The Ascension was a bit weird and all of a sudden in my opinion. I felt there was something missing, like a reason behind it...
Belle: First sentence had me smiling. And it felt really perfect for your character and something of what I was thinking when I was finished reading Alex's ascension.
Maybe it's me, but it felt as if you were trying something... I assume trying to make it seem like there is a deep confused hatred against Ace(I'm not wording this right) But I don't think you hit the cresendo, or mark, I would have expected out of you. I honestly think you could have done better on this one... As well I think it was weird that he was all gung-ho/berserk but then was backpedaling without much explination in the end.
Alex 2nd: Well aside from the ';' remark I made above, i dont think you should have used 'bellow' twice. To me it came off like it entered your mind and you just wanted to use it.(Same with countenance)
You probably could have went further with the near loss of conscienceness/drowning in his own blood thing in my honest opinion and made it more awesome, but it was easy enough to understand. Not to sure there should have been an apostrophe in "the warrior's barren chests" And if there was I think it was suppose to be warriors'...
(Belle reached out and snatched Trafford’s wrist and clung to it, but nevertheless their bodies were thrown apart.) "attempted to cling to it" not "clung to it"
The small speech at the end could have been done better slightly better, but it did leave me in suspense to read more about Alex... and his troubbled life...
Belle 2nd: First off... (Silhouetted against Namek's shining sun, the half-saiyan stood straight-backed, his head tilted to stare down at the arena below) You cant stand on air... Lol unless you got a technique like the one im about to buy =P
(Trafford whirled around, bringing the gun to bear) Bare, not bear.
(Trafford's gun game up in a blink) came not game..
And lastly.. you made made the history scenario and all come together at the end. But still im not entirely sure it all fit fully together...
My vote goes to Trafford.
And before I get lynched at the criticism... I'm sorry but I had do my best at this and just picked up the things I noted. I chose Ace as the winner because all in all it seems Trafford was more consistent with his posts and didn't over shoot it, like I felt Belle did. I actually came into reading the posts tihnking Belle would have done so, and in my opinion, had he not tried so hard, he would have.
The Ascension was a bit weird and all of a sudden in my opinion. I felt there was something missing, like a reason behind it...
Belle: First sentence had me smiling. And it felt really perfect for your character and something of what I was thinking when I was finished reading Alex's ascension.
Maybe it's me, but it felt as if you were trying something... I assume trying to make it seem like there is a deep confused hatred against Ace(I'm not wording this right) But I don't think you hit the cresendo, or mark, I would have expected out of you. I honestly think you could have done better on this one... As well I think it was weird that he was all gung-ho/berserk but then was backpedaling without much explination in the end.
Alex 2nd: Well aside from the ';' remark I made above, i dont think you should have used 'bellow' twice. To me it came off like it entered your mind and you just wanted to use it.(Same with countenance)
You probably could have went further with the near loss of conscienceness/drowning in his own blood thing in my honest opinion and made it more awesome, but it was easy enough to understand. Not to sure there should have been an apostrophe in "the warrior's barren chests" And if there was I think it was suppose to be warriors'...
(Belle reached out and snatched Trafford’s wrist and clung to it, but nevertheless their bodies were thrown apart.) "attempted to cling to it" not "clung to it"
The small speech at the end could have been done better slightly better, but it did leave me in suspense to read more about Alex... and his troubbled life...
Belle 2nd: First off... (Silhouetted against Namek's shining sun, the half-saiyan stood straight-backed, his head tilted to stare down at the arena below) You cant stand on air... Lol unless you got a technique like the one im about to buy =P
(Trafford whirled around, bringing the gun to bear) Bare, not bear.
(Trafford's gun game up in a blink) came not game..
And lastly.. you made made the history scenario and all come together at the end. But still im not entirely sure it all fit fully together...
My vote goes to Trafford.
And before I get lynched at the criticism... I'm sorry but I had do my best at this and just picked up the things I noted. I chose Ace as the winner because all in all it seems Trafford was more consistent with his posts and didn't over shoot it, like I felt Belle did. I actually came into reading the posts tihnking Belle would have done so, and in my opinion, had he not tried so hard, he would have.
![[Image: ChubbsMal.png]](http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s174/havik_album/ChubbsMal.png)
Reb: ya know
Reb: I think you're a fucking moron OOC
Reb: but I have to hand it to you
Reb: you've become a really great writer