[C&C] Please?

[Iykos]

First off, I would like to thank the person(s) involved in the Roleplaying Guidelines up top. I actually took the time to read everything, and a few things more than once due to losing my spot where I was, and found it greatly satisfying. I already knew that I am no where near a great writer, and know that I have many areas that need to be worked on. Namely comma placement, and descriptive words instead of pro/nouns.

So here I ask anyone, who is willing, to please read over my post(s) to help me better strengthen my writing style. A link to it is here. I am currently failing in proper alternative tags for characters, and over use words like "other" when there are only two; I also have problems when being overly descriptive of small areas. Anything else that you find that needs working on, please bring it to my attention, and I will try my damnedest to work on them.