C&C 'Retribution'

[Yamu]

For starters your imagery is astounding. You communicate your ideas with a visual flair that?s leads me to believe I am seeing exactly what you saw in your own head when you write, and that?s harder to do then you think. I loved the dream sequences where he ?sees? Hellfighter 17 and Selipa together, as well as the splitting of the woman?s head. On those notes I also believe this would fall under a ?Mature? RP, because while I think it is superb it IS on the adult side?right up my alley.

It is also obvious you have a firm handle on your character. A lot of people with strut around having their characters pretty much be the badest ass around, but you can see how others would see Minosha on first glance, a little child. Many have trouble looking at their character through other?s eyes.

The only thing that seemed to bother me was that your sentences seemed choppy, vary your sentence structure and punctuation to give your work a better flow, and draw the reader into a stream of thought that washes over them, not a rapid fire of short thoughts that it like a jackhammer.

Such as:

Originally posted by Minoshia

Minoshia exploded into consciousness. He knew everything he had seen was real. Anger blinding his vision, Silver streaks blazening his eyesight. His aura blazing around him, roasting the wooden artifacts of the small hut. The Prince let his mind cool. His aura diminishing around him.

I would possibly write:

Minosha exploded into consciousness knowing everything he had seen was real. Anger blinded him as silver streaks blazed across his eyes matched onlt in their fury by the fierce aura that surrounded his body, roasting the wooden artifacts of the small hut. Slowly, the Prince let his mind cool, his aura diminishing around him.

I hope this helped.