Asking for Feedback

[Yamu]

Well, I spent a lot more time then usual on this post and I plan to spend more on subsequent ones so I want to see what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong as I dig in deeper and deeper. I would ask you focus on the last (third) post as it took the most effort and is the meat of the story.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...13920&sid=

Any feedback you can give would be appreciated, C&C, Grammar, any thing you liked or disliked I would love to hear.

Thank you for your time in advance. The post I?m asking you to look at is kind of long and I appreciate the effort spent to give me the criticism.

Thank you.