The CDBZ Roast - Raditzu

[Burter]

Next up is one of the most memorable and recognizable figures in--well, okay, no. She's only here to make Bra look like he matters.

Violet!


VIOLET

(Enter a big ass overhead with a picture of Mario, a dictionary term below it, with Bryan Adams singing in the background)

Nerd
n. 1. [mainstream slang] Pejorative applied to anyone
with an above-average IQ and few gifts at small talk and ordinary
social rituals. 2. [jargon] Term of praise applied (in conscious
ironic reference to sense 1) to someone who knows what's really
important and interesting and doesn't care to be distracted by
trivial chatter and silly status games. Compare the two senses of
computer geek.

(steps up to microphone in her Raditz slippers and pants, hung over from last night?s little party at Waff?s.)
(Coughs into microphone while Garlic Jr. walks away snickering for some unknown reason. Rad shifts in his chair, his ridiculously long locks shedding on the whiteness of the chair. Eighteen sneezes, mumbles something about allergies, and scoots away)
Violet (looks up at overhead): ?Now, that definition is just a crock of shit, isn?t it? Until you read the fine print, that is.?

(changes picture on overhead)

3. Also known as Mario Jasso, a hubcap stealing, taco eating, waffle punching fruit loop. This rare breed tend to hang around in nostalgic forums dedicated to late 80?s early 90?s anime, geeking it out with dozens of other nerds across the world. This can also be compared to the Klingon followers at Star Track conventions everywhere.

Vi: ?See?! SEE?!?!?

GJ: ?Shut up, Violet. Why are you even up there, anyway??

Vi: ?Because midgets suck, and someone had to come clean up the spew of dumbass you seemed to have retched all over the podium, now sit back down and listen. No?no! Get off my Dr. Pepper! Bad midget!?

GJ: ? I AM sitting, whore.?

Vi: ?Whore?! What the fuck??

GJ: ?It?ll cost you ten bucks.?

18 (confused): ?Did I miss something???

Vi: ?Yeah, the spew from Mighty Midget?s wanker.?

18 (angered, stands up and clenches her fists): ?Want to come say that to my face??

Fuz: ?Oh, shit, chick fight!? (grabs a nearby bucket of water)

(Mario shifts even more of his seat, more from the promise of an all out bitch fight than his hair this time) ?Oh, sweet jesus? and here I thought this was going to be a total sausage fest.?

Vi (Steps up to 18 ): ?Yeah, bitch. Lets fucking do this!?

1 8 (draws back fist, and then retracts): ?Heh, I think I?ll let this one go.?

Vi: ?That?s because you?re a puss.?

18 (Frowns): ??.?

Vi: (Rolls eyes and steps back to podium. Clears throat, turns to Rad): ?Rad, I?ve been here for just over 10 months, and during that time, all I hear you talk about is waffles, tacos, and freakin XTREME. What the fuck is that anyway? How do you even PRONOUNCE it?! I guess everyone has their moments of total idiocy, and it just seems to catch on like a freakin? virus, spreading itself from person to person. I suppose its true that the Blind lead the Blind. Of course, that?s just one eye.

(Sniggers in the background, Rad is getting a little pissed at this point, but chokes it down like the good little whore he is.)

Vi: ?That one eye is just freakin HOT. Speaking of which?.has anyone heard the true story of how this jackass became staff, and how his eye got fucked up? Anyone?

He CLAIMS is a medical condition, but here?s the real story.

Whilst it may be true that I haven?t roleplayed here before January, that doesn?t mean for a minute that I wasn?t behind the scenes watching, observing?I am, after all, the Stalker.


Way back when, when Chubbs was just the little spermatozoa in the owner?s scrotum (the one Rad didn?t swallow), Mario, Tim, Jeroen, maybe even toss Becca in there with the camera (If I recall correctly, she was recording it for Girls Gone Wild- Drag Queen edition), I was outside the window watching like the good little voyeur I am. Of course, I?m just a ninja like that.

Fuz: ?You?re an idiot.?

Vi: ?And there isn?t a cure for stupid. Sorry Fuz. Anyways?.where was I? Oh yeah?

What I witnessed in that small little room with the Marijuana leaf blanket hanging in the doorway, and the leopard print bedsheets scattered around the king size, my poor little eyes will never recover from.

Tim (Rei), dressed in his pretty pink camisole and blonde wig, was workin? it pretty good to Pee Wee Herman porn whilst our favorite Mexican, in his poncho and sombrero, stood at the foot of the bed, hunched over, bare ass to the world. Why he was doing that was beyond me, until I realized that he was simply roleplaying for the role of Little Tortilla Boy for his high school play. It was cute for a minute, and I was beginning to get into it pretty good. Even the bag of cornmeal he had tucked under his arm was adorable.

Bra: ?That?s not true at all! It wasn?t Pee Wee Herman! It was Bruce Lee!! Rei borrowed it from me!?

Vi: ?It was Pee Wee Herman, you fag, now shut up. Continuing?

All until IT happened.

We all know how freaky the Dutch are. Through the crack in the window, I heard the butchered words of Jeroen splitting through the quiet. ?Who?s my bitch!? he yelled, spanking the bare ass of the Mexican; a small, girlish EEP! Elicited from the throat of the scrawny teen. ?I said, who?s? my? bitch!?

Now, I enjoy a little spanking every once in a while, but the way this bastard said it sent shivers of fear trembling down my spine. Out from nowhere, this guy pulls out a three foot long PVC pipe covered in latex. Situating it behind Mario, he repeated his heated cry. ?I said, WHO?S MY BITCH!?
18 (Chuckling): ?Yeah, that was pretty funny.?

Rad ( has a tear trailing down the good eye as the repressed memory comes rushing back)


Violet: ?All of a sudden, an earsplitting scream tore its way through the room. When all was said and done, Mario turned with tears in his eyes to Jeroen, that sadistic monster of all Dutch, and sniffled, ? I am.?

From that day onward, as proof of his bitch hood, Mario was forever marked with the Eye of Whore, that slightly discolored iris that is Jeroen?s signature of ownership, forever emblazoned on the fair face of a young Mexican teenager.

To this day, Mario wears the mark, and through his minioning, his menial tasks, his doing of the chores no one else wants, (because every one knows Mexicans will do anything), he?s attained a position that only a few people can claim: the coveted Adminage of the monster known as Chubbs DBZ RPG.?

Rad: ?That isn?t how I remembered it??

Vi: ?Oh, I forgot how I ninja?d in to shove that same PVC pipe up Jeroen?s ass, didn?t I??

Fuz: ?That wasn?t you, you twat.?

Vi: ?It sure in the hell wasn?t you!?

Fuz: ?I was busy that day?? (emo tear)

Vi: ?I forgot. It was Boy Scout day for you, wasn?t it??

Fuz: ?Yes.?

Bra: ?Dude, my Trans Am can get to Taco Bell in like, 2 minutes. 180 down the freakin highway, man.?

Violet: ?And that irrelevant point means what to me??

GJ: ?I hope you didn?t drive that here. You know Mario will make sure those ?caps are on his shitty Pinto before this roast is over.?

Bra: ??. Fuck.?

Violet (rolls eyes): :In conclusion, Rad, we love you, you fuzzy little hairball of sexless man meat. I am sure one of these days you?ll find a human girlfriend and someday forget all about us peons, but until that time, you?re all ours, and God knows that we just LURVE waking up to check the boards to see your ugly ass at the bottom of the page.

So, with that, Love, Peace, chicken grease, and if you steal my damn car, I?m calling Jeroen.